There once was a man named Leonardo Vespucci casually strolling down the hallway. He thinks he’s a boss but in actuality he’s not a boss, his boss is Mr. Figglesworth, he’s just a lowly employee working at some cheesy greeting card factory. It was a cold December morning; the fifth to be exact, the one day per year Mr Figglesworth decides (like a boss) to turn on the heat. For a moment of pure bliss the workers at the cheesy greeting card factory were bathed in heat. They were as happy as Kenyans during a light sprinkling. Again, this was a cold December morning, and by cold…we mean………. Cold. Cold like any other private school in Tonawanda, New York. No specifics, just a city, state, and school that is cold on December 5th. Leo, at the time, was working on his most sappy greeting card ever. Leonardo was in the moment, the heat was giving him ideas, better ideas than he had never had. He was afraid that if the heat were to be extinguished , his ideas would literally freeze in place. But of course, the heat was turned off.

Immediately Leonardo Vespucci’s ideas froze. He was lost. He stood up angrily, screamed “RAGE!” and threw his wooden chair at the wall. BUT! he was in a cubicle, just a lowly cubicle, so when he threw the chair it hit the ceiling fan and was broken into over 9000 pieces. By some physics fail all the shrapnel flew directly downward into Leonardo Vespucci’s lowly cubicle. Leonardo Vespucci puts on his stunner shades. He nods welcome to the shrapnel and goes to Narnia… LOL JK it’s his bosses office. Being the boss that he is Leonardo kicks in the door making the “come at me bro” hand gesture.

His boss looks up from his paper, finishes a sip of his coffee, and says “O HAI DERE! :D.” Leonardo goes blank faced and says “come at me bro!” The boss gets it, “U mad.”
“No u!”

Now the boss means business “Oh you fancy huh?” Leonardo gets fired and says to his boss “Cool story bro.” Leonardo Vespucci goes outside and calls “Woot!” and his Pinto spawns in front of him 6 feet off the ground and falls and lands. Being the Pinto that it is, when Leonardo Vespucci grabs the door handle the Pinto falls apart. Leonardo Vespucci sees the rubble that used to be his trustyish Pinto, nods at the pile of rubble and says “cool story bro” putting on his shades.

Later on that day (and by “later on” we mean 1 hour later) Leonardo Vespucci gets off the bus. He gets off at 57th street because we’re too lazy to make up a street name. Leonardo Vespucci has no home, he lived in his Pinto, which died. Strolling around like a boss through the city streets he enters the park and sits down on the fluorescent purple bench. He decides this bench is to be his new home. He stares lazily, but like a boss, at the sky and spots a DOUBLE RAINBOW, today might be a good day after all, then it goes black.

He wakes up and it’s still dark, his waterproof calculator watch says 12:00 noon, so it should be light. “Why no is light? Who be trollin?” He looks to the left and sees a groundhog, who raps him on the forehead with a spoon.
“You be trollin? You Boxxy, bro?”
“Derp.” was the response.
Leonardo Vespucci laughs “trololololol.”

Then the utensil-wielding rodent speaks “You are prisoner, and all your base are belong to us. Just kidding, you’re just our prisoner. Derp.”
“You’se trollin’, groundhogs no can talk.”
“Derp. Get up, make me a sammich.” says the groundhog and hits Leonardo Vespucci with the spoon again. Leonardo Vespucci has no choice, there’s some heavy firepower up in here. He stands up, puts shades on, and goes into the kitchen. Leonardo Vespucci cannot make sandwiches, but he can make greeting cards. He makes his captor a greeting card that speaks to the heart of the rodent captor.

The groundhogs decide that Leonardo Vespucci is the completion of the prophecy left behind by the squirrel Gods. They worshipped him as he put on his shades. Leonardo Vespucci lived happily as a blind God figure with no pinto. The End?