I was hungry. I was tired. I trudged in the forest with blood spots caked on the trees. I hated this, I thought to myself, why do I have to kill my own kind? A meandering path of dirt, stone, and blood tagged along behind me as I could feel the weight push down my shoulders making me hunch a little. The weight of loneliness, emptiness, and yes, in fact, emptiness could be that heavy. I didn’t want to be here in the first place, but I knew why. Even though I recoil at the memory of what happened and no matter how much I pray and beg to go home, I can’t because then I would end up killing everyone. And, I can’t go hurting people anymore. Not after what had happened.

“Who are you?” I remember asking. Yes, I remembered it well. I was just 10 years old and it was 5 years ago and a lady with crimson, red, beady eyes and pallid-looking hair grabbed my hand saying she would show me magic. “What type of magic?” I asked her. She said she would take me to a place where all my dreams would come true. “Come with me,” she said. “You can wish for anything you want!” My eager, naive, 10-year-old went along with her. She handed me a sage green-colored candy which I popped into my mouth and from there, I couldn’t remember what happened. All I saw was blood and screaming, but it was my mothers screaming. I knew I had killed someone. I could taste blood dripping out of my mouth and I saw a young girl lying on the floor, with scarlet red blood surrounding her. I killed my sister. 

“It’s ok,” I whispered to myself. “It wasn’t your fault.” But I knew the cold truth that lay at the bottom of the stack of lies. It was my fault for running away, thinking I could have a perfect life. It was my fault for dreaming. I came across my reflection but all I could see was a monster, with blood dripping out of her mouth, messed up hair that was clammy and moist, and messed up pieces jumbled together.

I heard crying. Human crying and my thirst for food were already towering, but it was young crying like when a 5-year-old falls off her bike and gets hurt. How could I kill something that innocent and pure? But, I was ravenous and tired. I wanted to jump out at anything alive and eat it. No, I told myself, don’t do it this time. Don’t do it. But, it wasn’t that easy all the time. My body jolted at the smell of fresh human blood pumping through the warm, plumpy skin and the fresh meat juicy and tender. I dashed towards the scent as it was getting closer by the mile until I saw something that looks like a black sphere rocking back and forth. A little girl peeked over screeching when she saw my face. She bit her lips until little drops of blood came out and she clenched her dress while trying to hold back tears. 

“Don’t eat me!” she yelled. “I heard about you guys! You guys will just kill me!”

My body stopped and while my hunger was still rising, I couldn’t do it. What happened to me?

“I won’t eat you.” I cooed to her, “Where are your parents?”

“They got murdered by bad people a few hours ago,” she started sobbing. 

“What’s your name?”

“I never got one…”

“Oh…may I call you Maddie?” It was the name my mother was about to give me. 

“NO YOU’RE GOING TO EAT ME!”

“I won’t, ok? Do you trust me?”

“NO!”

“Fair enough. I’ll go get you some food. Stay here, ok?”

I plucked out berries from a nearby bush to give to her, but tears poured out of her drenching her dress and lightly wetting the berries. “Where do I go now?” she cried. “What do I do?”

“You can stay with me for the night. It’s already dark outside. If you’re scared I’ll eat you, I can put down my harness.”

“Ok…”

We walked in silence, but I could feel her uncontrollable hands in mine, and her teeth digging into her lips. When we reached, I put on my harness, restraining myself from moving or getting out of bed. “If you kill me,” the little girl said, “I will haunt you for the rest of your life.” 

I wish I could tell her that nothing she could do would make my life any more miserable than it already was. “Kid,” I told her. “I hate it…I hate having to kill people!”

“Then, why do you do it?”

“I didn’t have a choice. I did something foolish and now I’m stuck like this.”

“I’m sorry…”

“It’s ok, kid. Just, don’t get so fooled easily, alright?”

“Ok!”

The next day we were hopeless. We couldn’t find anyone so I told her she had to stay the night again, and I was appalled at how much she trusted me one night. It reminded me of myself too, but soon trusting turned into a curse and if she went down that path I would never forgive myself. We ended up going out to get something for lunch and I put my harness on to prevent myself from unleashing a monster. 

We ate deer meat and raspberries for dinner while the fire around us was crackling and burning off our faces. 

“I’m going to surprise you tomorrow!” the little girl said. 

“Oh really? How so?” I asked. 

“It’s a surprise!”

The next day came expeditiously and again we looked around and found nothing. 

“Where will I go to?” the little girl whimpered. 

“It’s ok! We’ll find a place soon.” I replied. The thing was, I didn’t want her to find a place soon. She was the only one I had, who never ran away from me. She treated me like I was a human again and the demon inside me had vanished. The feeling of warmth had taken over me. I would look up at the sky with her and just talk. It was the best feeling I’ve ever had, and I can’t let it go now, not yet. But, I knew, I couldn’t keep her forever. I know where to take her, I thought to myself, I’ll take her to my castle where I was born. My parents loved kids so they would take her in.

“I think I know a place,” I told her. “I’ll take you there tomorrow since it’s late.”

“YAY!!!” she squealed. The smile on her face made my face go soft and less tense, and the tender feeling of happiness crept over me, but still, the feeling of loneliness would not disappear and still lurk around me. Please, don’t leave me, I wanted to yell to her. Don’t leave me all alone. The feeling of letting go felt like a knife penetrating my body still staying there with the blood oozing out and the pain eventually going away. But, only because it’s numb. It was like I had to take out the knife while still feeling the pain come back and that’s when I really fall down and see the amount of pain and blood on the knife. 

It was night. The moon shined on the forest casting highlights and glows on trees. The walk was quiet with a feeling of melancholy looming over us. I could see the highlights of a gold castle approaching, glimmering in the night. 

“We’re here,” I exclaimed softly. I knocked on the gate and started screaming to get their attention. Soon, the guards started running up to the gate. 

“Now, listen, ok? Tell them your parents died and you need a place to stay. Ask them if they can keep you.”

“What if they say no?” the girl started crying. 

“They won’t. Trust me, I know them well.”

“Wait!”

“Yes?” The little girl started to take off my harness. Oh no, I thought to myself, what’s she doing. 

“HEY! DON’T DO THAT OK! IT’S NOT-” It was too late. The hunger took over me and her plumpy skin looked ravishing. Stop this, I wanted to scream to myself, you’re not a monster, you can’t be.

“If you really love me,” the girl started, “you wouldn’t attack me!”

I wanted to hug her so tightly forever, for 100 years. I hadn’t felt the warmth of a hug in over 5 years, the tight squeeze but the warmth that flows through you. The love overtakes your body as if you’ve just seen the whole universe and the comets start flying around you but never hit you, naturally swirling around. 

I could feel my hunger skyrocket, my breathing was quick and shallow, and I felt my adrenaline shooting through my body. 

“Why are you walking up to me like that?” I heard her say. 

“GUARDS! A DEMON! GET HER!” I heard someone shout. But, no, I jumped. I jumped on top of her, and everything that happened next was a blur. I could see blood splattering everywhere and peach-colored objects on the ground, but I remember these words, “I thought you loved me!” from the little girl. When I awoke, all I found were body parts scattered everywhere, and blood covering the ground. 

I was gasping, trying to control my breath while shivering the whole time looking at the profoundly appalling site. I broke down with tears covering my face as I looked down at my hands covered with bloodstains. “NOOOOOOO!” I screamed. I saw a hand at the edge and picked it up, it was the girl's hand with a bracelet.

“Look! I made a bracelet!” I remember her saying. “Look! Look!”

I remember smiling after looking at her elated expression. 

I lay down and held her hand, which was soaked with blood at the bottom. I was truly a monster, but not the ones that sought revenge, the ones that were controlled all the time. The ones that were trapped in me, banging on my insides, doing anything to get out. I didn’t feel anger or sadness, I just felt the harsh truth bang up on me. I knew it was always lingering around, and I knew what it was but I always told myself beautiful lies to get myself away from the harsh truth. I was a monster. 

“Who are you?” I heard a familiar voice call out. As I turned around, I saw a face behind the castle gate that I never thought I would see in so many years.

“Mama?” I squealed. 

“Is it..is it really you?” she cried. “What happened?”

“Mama!” I started to sob hard, “MAMA I HATE MY LIFE!” I had my hands on the bars of the castle gate, too weak to look up. My mom squeezed her hand through the gate and place her hand on my head. The fervor spread through me rapidly and made me cry softly and my breathing stable. It was the first time I felt loved and calm in so many years. 

“Why do I have to suffer like this, Mama?” 

“You don’t understand how much I want to hug you right now and take you in.”

“Why is my life like this?”

“I WANT YOU BACK SO MUCH!” My mom started crying with some of the tears rolling down the gates and landing on my face. I wanted her too. I wanted her so badly I would have dont anything, I would have sailed all the oceans and walked miles just so I could have my life again. I was a puppet in a puppet show getting controlled by tyrants ordering me to hurt my loved ones for my own life again. I want it back, the warmth of my bed, the soft kiss from my mom, the enticing smell of the food, but I can’t get any of it back. 

It felt like a void had taken over my soul, drowning all my emotions and feelings of happiness. The emptiness felt so heavy, and sometimes I ask myself, how long should I feel empty until it’s ok to give up? I was like a weak twig at the point, holding on for dear life. God, I wanted to yell at the sky, why would you punish me? It was such a cruel world that at this point, I didn’t think I would be able to hold on anymore. No, I can’t let go, I said to myself, I can’t right now. I can’t leave my family, and I have to stay even though I hate it. Even though I want a better life. One day, I’ll give up, but not now. I have to be there for them. For the ones who loved the monster in me. For the ones that have loved me forever, even if it means everlasting pain for me.

She loved me, so much, even if I wasn't who she wanted me to be. How could I do something so cruel and leave her?

Take me out of my misery, I wanted to scream. Take me out, right now.