Hesitation | Teen Ink

Hesitation

December 20, 2021
By WestonS15 BRONZE, Plainfield, Illinois
WestonS15 BRONZE, Plainfield, Illinois
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

Tamero and his opponent, Ayaki, stand proud within the arena. The wind lightly blows over them, sakura leaves glide about, and viewers watch with anticipation. Both their blades are drawn, confidence flowing within their blood. Their eyes are locked onto each other, minds sharp, yearning for engagement. It feels like an eternity for Tamero as he stares at the face of his foe, awaiting the resonant beat of the gong. There is a pause in the air, the wind stops, all is quiet.

The gong is struck

Its heavy sound echoes deep within Tamero, sparking his will to fight. He and his opponent creep towards each other, their swords held outwards, eager to clash. Tamero makes the first move and swipes his blade to the left, it collides with the other. Ayaki rolls his blade off of Tamero’s and counters with a downward strike, Tamero immediately brings his sword close to his chest and blocks the hit with his sword, Ayaki holds his blade upon Tamero’s, trying to use the advantage of heavy downward force to break his guard. Tamero holds in place, before using all his strength to throw Ayaki off. Both competitors are now spaced apart, and they hold their swords outwards once more, ready to fight again.

This time they rush eachother, their blades collide, they retract their blades and strike again, and they collide once more. They trade a series of blows, attempting to land a hit upon the other. Tamero keeps his focus as they speed up their attacks. Just seconds later, after almost a hundred strikes were dealt against each other, Ayaki’s posture breaks. He loses his guard and his arm drops, now is the time for Tamero to deal the finishing blow.

Instead of immediately following up with a quick lateral strike, Tamero pauses, and instead tries to pull off a strong thrust attack. His delay allowed Ayaki to regain his warrior stance, and as Tamero drives the tip of his blade forward, Ayaki deflects it to the side, and instantly follows with a counter attack. Tamero is struck and knocked down, Ayaki has dealt the finishing blow.

Tamero lays upon the arena ground as Ayaki looms triumphantly. The finishing gong is then struck as the viewing crowd bursts into cheer. Moments later, Ayaki and the viewers leave the arena with pride, while Tamero lays on the ground broken. He groans and slowly sits up. He hears someone approach him from behind who speaks in an old raspy voice.

“Your swordsmanship started off well, but when the final moment approached, you hesitated. Pitiful.”

The voice was all but unfamiliar, the hoarse tone gave it away.

“Father Otaka. You should be at home.” Tamero said softly, he felt ashamed knowing what his father witnessed.

“Do not worry about my illness. Face me Tamero.” Otaka replied.

Tamero stands up and turns around, his face full of defeat, he doesn’t want to make eye contact with his father.

“You are beaten, but this is not the end. We are going home.” Otaka says as he turns and walks away as Tamero limps behind him. They walk through the town roads, passing merchants who are packing up shop as night is nearing. The merchants stare at Tamero as he walks by, some of them laughing or ridiculing him. He pays no attention to them. He does not compete to make them proud, he competes to make his father proud.

They arrive at their bukeyashiki, a samurai home that Otaka grew up in. Otaka stops at the doorway. 

“Tamero, the door.” Otaka calmly asks Tamero.

Tamero steps up to the wooden doors and slides them apart, He lets Otaka walk past him into the house, before he slides the doors shut. Otaka hobbles over to his crib against the wall and falls onto its surface. He lets out a painful grunt and forms an anguished look on his face. 

Tamero knows his father is sick, and that his time is running out. He takes off his scarred armor and bundles it up into a corner of the room. He goes to get a cup of tea that was pre brewed earlier that day, as well as a bottle of sake. 

“Here father, I brought some drinks.” Tamero says as he places them on a small table next to Otaka.

Otaka lets out a belching cough before reaching for the lukewarm tea.

“Just the tea, one more sip of sake will kill me.”

Tamero says nothing, he turns and looks at a stand of red and gold samurai armor against the other side of the room. It is Otaka’s old armor from his prime days. He turns back to his father, takes a knee, and lowers his head.

“I don’t wish to disappoint you father. I want to show you that I'm a worthy successor to your heritage. But I don’t know what to do, this is the third competition I've lost, and I’ve hit a wall.

Otaka looks up from his tea, with a slightly saddened expression.

“Son, I don’t have much time left, I can only hold on a little longer. I will rest now, and tomorrow will be a new day. We will continue then.”

“Yes, father.” Tamero responds.

Otaka takes one big swig of tea before setting down the empty cup and turning around to rest.

Tamero goes to his quarters to sleep, preparing for the next day. The night passes and the morning arrives, Tamero is awoken by the aching cough of his father. Tamero heads over to his father, who is still in bed, and looking even worse than yesterday. His skin has paled, the permanent cuts on his arms and face from battles years ago are now more noticeable than ever. His breathing is labored, he struggles to even speak.

“It..is time to continue. I will meet you in the garden. Do not bring your armor or your sword. You will not need them.” Otaka says as he slowly tries to get out of bed. 

Tamero walks out into the garden, which has been well kept by his father for years. The sakura trees are bright pink and blooming, the grass is incredibly green, and the small homemade pond is gleaming with life. Tamero sits on a large stone, waiting for his father. Otaka soon shows up. His walk is slow, with each step he lets out a quiet groan, he sits on another stone next to Tamero. They both admire the garden.

“I never thought one such as myself would be able to take up gardening after a life of war.” Otaka says as he lets out a small smile while his voice perks up with cheeriness,

“But I did it anyway. Many of my warrior mates would tease me about it, they thought I was puny. A samurai leaving the clan to pursue gardening? It was never heard of.” Otaka says as he laughs.

“I never hesitated in my decisions. I wanted to leave the clan? I did! I wanted to start gardening? I did that too! All my battles? I won without hesitation. I took every opening I saw, and I went through with it. That is why I still stand here today, amongst the many who have fallen. You need not hesitate, Tamero. That is why you have lost your battles. It is the only thing holding you back from becoming a great warrior.” Otaka takes a deep breath after speaking, his cheery tone quickly dissipating. 

Tamero takes a look at Otaka.

“I…think I understand. I value your words greatly, father. Tomorrow I will rematch warrior Ayaki, and I will take your words with me. Thank you.”

Otaka looks at Tamero and boldly states,

“Go now. Practice in the dojo, and prepare for the coming battle. Make your father proud.” 

Tamero stands up to go inside, Otaka tries to stand as well, but he struggles. Tamero lifts from under his arm and walks him inside. His father goes to rest, and Tamero spends his day training. 

Tamero wakes up the next day, but to his surprise he does not hear his fathers cough. He looks in the kitchen, then his fathers bed, until he feels a slight breeze brush against him. He follows the wind and sees the garden door open, with his father sitting out there, his back facing him. He peers out, but says nothing. As he turns away, his father speaks.

“Remember Tamero, Hesitation is defeat.”

Tamero travels to the arena, wearing his newly polished and repainted set of armor, which he made to look like his fathers. The chest piece, shoulder and shin guards, along with the helmet have been painted a bright red, with gold accents lining the edges. Once again, Tamero is booed and mocked by the merchants on the main road. He still pays no attention to them. He arrives at the gate of the arena, it towers over him. Moments later the door opens, welcoming Tamero onto the arena grounds. As he steps inside, he notices hundreds of spectators,  as well as Ayaki, standing brazenly across the arena, dressed with a set of blue lapis and gold samurai armor likely paid for with his earnings. Ayaki lifts up his arms, embracing the cheer of the crowd. Both contestants step up to their spots. Just like last time, they stand across one another with confidence, and the hunger to win.

Tamero’s body is ready. His mind is focused, He’s here with one goal, not fame or fortune, but to prove himself. He has no quarrel with Ayaki, but he knows he must do this.

This is his last chance.

He stands like a statue, unmoving in the sun's heat. So still that not even his sweat is rolling down his face.

Seconds go by, but they feel like hours. Eventually the gong is struck, it’s bellowing beat coursing through Tamero, as he draws his sword and steps forward. Instead of pacing with Tamero, Ayaki rushes him, brimming with overconfidence. Ayaki’s blade meets Tamero’s, they hold their swords against each other with incredible strength. Tamero draws back his blade and swipes at Ayaki, hitting Ayaki’s shoulder. Ayaki swings, and Tamero deflects it with his own blade, following with another swipe of his sword against Ayaki. 

Ayaki is large and brutal, he can take a hit, and he repeats this cycle numerous times. Tamero deflects every one of Ayaki’s massive swings, and Ayaki is met with a counter strike from Tamero everytime, and although all his counter strikes cut deep into Ayaki, he still fights unhindered.

Tamero feels himself weakened, each strike he deflects tears away at his stamina, he knows he cannot win this way. He needs to wait for an opportunity, and he must not hesitate. Instead of attacking back at Ayaki, Tamero takes a step back to regain his breath. Ayaki now knows that Tamero is tired, and in this split moment he prepares a thrust attack, similar to what Tamero tried to pull off in their first match.

Although he is exhausted, Tamero’s mind is still focused on the fight. Ayaki plunges the tip of his blade forward, but Tamero notices that Ayaki’s thrust is too low to the ground, and without any delay Tamero shifts to the side, while lifting his leg and stepping on Ayaki’s blade, pinning down his weapon and following with a quick slash against his body, causing him to collapse. Warrior Ayaki lies defeated.

Tamero stands above Ayaki, listening to him panting as he lays in defeat. The finishing gong is struck. An announcer speaks into a horn, declaring Tamero, warrior of house Otaka, the victor. As the crowd cheers, Tamero keeps his eyes on Ayaki. He proceeds to sheath his sword and under his weary breath he says thank you, before reaching out a hand and helping up Ayaki. Instead of staying for celebration, Tamero departs the arena and travels back home to share his victory with his father.

After arriving back home, Tamero notices father is not inside, just like this morning. He once again feels a slight breeze against himself, and he makes his way to the garden. He sees his father still out there, this time laying in the grass. Tamero rushes over to him, kneeling in front of him. his father looks to be in the worst condition he’s ever been, except for the faint smile on his face. He coughs and looks at Tamero,

“My son, you have succeeded. I heard the announcement of your name echo all the way out here. I am proud of you.”

With a distraught look on Tamero’s face, 

“Thank you father. I have kept your words close to me and they led me to victory. But I must get you insi-”

Otaka cuts off Tamero,

“Listen, my son. I have always been proud of you, I just wanted to see you reach your potential. You have proven yourself worthy, and shown yourself to be what I always knew you could be. I wish to see you grow further, but I can’t let myself suffer like this any longer.”

Tamero almost tears up from the words, but right now he wants to get his father back inside.

“We should go inside, father, you will feel better, then we can talk more, please.”

Otaka shakes his head,

“Tamero, I have suffered for far too long. The pain I’ve hidden and endured daily should’ve been enough to kill me a long time ago, but I’ve held out all this time just to see you succeed, and that I have. I no longer wish to suffer from this dreadful sickness. And with that, I ask a favor from you.”

Tamero eagerly answers,

“Of course father, what can I do for you?”

Otaka pauses for a while, before finally asking Tamero,

“I want you to kill me.”

Tamero’s mind blanks, 

“Father, I cannot do as you ask.”

Otaka rests his hand of Tamero’s knee,

“Son, I have endured this pain for far too long, I wish to finally be freed from it.”

Tamero stares in disbelief, still pondering the request.

“You knew my death was coming for a long time now, although not this way. I need you to understand.”

Tamero stutters as he tries to respond,

“I..I understand..father.”

Tamero unsheathes his sword,

“Father, I..don’t know if I can do this.”

Otaka looks away and closes his eyes,

“You can, I need you to. Make it quick, and merciful.”

Tamero proceeds to aim the tip of his sword at the heart of his father. He fully understands his request. He knows he’s been suffering, but as he tries to hold still his hands begin to shake, they shake so much that he almost loses his hold on the blade. He struggles to move it any closer as it lingers just a hair away from his father.

“You are hesitating, Tamero.” His father chimes in.

Tamero’s grip ceases to shake, he realizes that this is what his father wants, and that the suffering must end. He slowly slides the sharp blade forward, hearing only a quiet sigh of relief from his father. Tears begin to flow down his face, but he closes his eyes for a moment, and they stop there. He pulls the blade out, and quietly speaks to himself,

“Thank you, father. Rest well.”

Later that day, Tamero stands in his fathers garden, staring down at a grave he buried his father in. He adorns it with his father’s samurai helmet, and he lets out a bittersweet smile, happy to have made his father proud.


The author's comments:

I was inspired to make it based on samurai and feudal japan games I have played. A father-son relationship is something I've always wanted to explore and write about.


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