Sitting in the cold lobby, the TV blasts a show I don’t know. I wonder if Ann will take long, I’ve already been waiting for 10 minutes. My foot is continuously tapping the floor, a habit I picked up. I think about how I got here. What I am about to do has never been done in my family.

I knew what I was going to do. I was not scared. She walks out and calls my name; she is happy to see me. She stares at me, pity, I hate pity. The room feels stuffy, I feel like I’m suffocating in the stare. She holds onto her clipboard, always writing things, her grip tightening.

“I see...Thank you for telling me, I know this is hard.” Ann, my therapist, my one escape from my reality, she has a soft voice.

“Can we do it anytime soon?” I asked, I did it, I asked, I’m proud.

“I’ll have to check to see if they have any space available.” She pulled out her phone and started dialing someone. 1, No room, 2, No room, 3, No room.

She was thinking, she pulled out a paper and wrote down some stuff. “You can go to the ER; they can’t refuse you as you have those tendencies. I understand you won’t do anything but just for your sake I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.”

She gives me another smile as I walk out of the room my parents frowning. I could see it in my mom’s eyes, she was sad. I don’t like my mom being sad.

It was silent on the way home, no music was playing on the radio, just silence. My father had a face I have never seen before, he looked confused, angry, sad, and miserable. I’ve always been close to my father, always talked, laughed together.

Entering the house through the garage, my sister was waiting. She noticed my mother and Fathers mood and asked what was going on. I didn’t listen to their conversation, I just walked in and started packing my bag. My brother walked in, he seemed confused.
“You’re going to the hospital?” I nodded; I didn’t want him to hear my pain of leaving them. I love my family more than myself. They were my last reason to live.

I needed this, I didn’t want to suffer anymore.

My brother walked out, in came my sister. “What did I tell you, why did you tell them?!”  I frowned; she thinks I didn’t want to go. I do, I need to go. My sister had a face I have never seen before, she rarely shows emotions, especially to me. “But what if its longer...” She sighed, walked out of the room and I didn’t see her after that.

My mother was sad, I hope she didn’t cry, the last time I saw her cry was when my sister wasn’t eating. I eat mom, I eat a lot, it’s a nice coping mechanism.

My bags were packed, I walked out the garage, got in the car and waited, my mother and father walked out with more bags. The weight of the car shifted as they got on. This time they played music, it was soft though, not loud like usual. I didn’t like it.

Pulling up to the hospital felt like it took hours, my dad got lost and we had to ask someone for directions. I saw a person walking in with pizza boxes, another walked in with a toddler. I realized we were in the child’s section. You could tell by the amount of Dr. Suess drawings on the wall. I remember seeing those when I came here to remove my tonsils. I still remember waking up and seeing my parents, sitting in front of me, holding hands.

We drove for hours that day.
We are at the entrance.

It was a strange day today; the front lady’s thermometer didn’t work but, she let us in anyways. It was like the world was trying to stop me from going in.
We waited for hours until finally they called my name, it was a male nurse, he was wearing one of those hair hats the lunch lady’s use. He looked silly.

They sat me down in a chair the 1st nurse asked me about how I got to the ER, 2nd nurse, asked how I’m feeling, 3rd nurse, “how did you come here today?” With that fake smile and those masks. None of them ever seemed sincere asked how I got to the ER. They all just repeated it. “How did you get to this point?”, do they even care, I wondered?

A nurse told me I must talk to a doctor to see If I can get in a hospital, or if I’m eligible for it. So, I had to explain everything, from the videos to the thoughts.

Things you should know about me,
1) I give up way to easily.
2) I get mad a lot.
3) I am protective over my friends.
4) I see things sometimes.
5) I saw things I shouldn’t have.

The doctor was on a computer screen, he had a big mask that didn’t fit him right but he still wore it, protection I guess. He asked me questions like, “How did you get here?” “When did this begin?” “What did you imagine?” It was a bit overwhelming.

I saw him smile through his mask, a concerned look on his face as well as a surprised one, I guess not many people ask to go to a mental hospital. I must look insane.

I wondered how Charlie was doing. If she was even still alive, or if she was thinking about me.

Charlie, my first friend online, we talked for hours and played video games for hours. She was my sunshine. But then she did something.

She tried to kill herself.

It didn’t work, but she ended up in a coma, it still traumatized me a lot. Once she came back, she was a new person. I didn’t like it. I hated it. I wanted my Charlie back. Not this toxic child who is angry at the world for not letting her off herself.

I tried to be friends with her again, but it just didn’t work out. She was a new person and had no interest in talking to me again. I still sometimes wish we could be friends again and talk like we used to,

I miss her a lot.

Ann once said that “Bravery isn’t being fearless; It is being afraid and doing it anyways.” I think about it a lot.

My favorite song is Cinnamon.

The awkward drums, the lines, being afraid of being alone at home. It reminds me of me.
I tried to hum it on the hard bed but being in a room with another person made it awkward. I don’t know her name, her age, or anything. She is just here to watch over me and make sure I don’t hang myself somewhere with a cable for oxygen or something. Not like I would.

I’m afraid to die, who isn’t?

I think about death a lot.

Eventually a few days pass, they didn’t let me shower so I just washed my hair in the sink. During this time, I met a very nice lady. I wish I could remember her name; she had red hair and was in her 60’s. She always talked to me, I love to talk, and she sat down with me by the window, and we played games as well. One time when we were looking out the window, we saw a man walking into the ER with an open head, there was a lot of blood, but he walked around like it was all fine. It made me think about how some people can have such big problems, yet they always just act like they’re fine.

Eventually a man in a uniform came and told me they have a room open; I was beyond nervous, everything seemed fuzzy. I left the ER and entered the ambulance.

Inside of the ambulance a man greeted me, he asked my name, date of birth, and a few more questions here and there. Then he asked me what his name was, I didn’t remember. I don’t remember at all; he smiled and told me not to worry about it. I felt bad for not remembering at all but I for some reason couldn’t remember anything the entire ride.

Eventually we arrived and they helped me get out of the cramped ambulance. I was nervous. My parents were already in there waiting for me, they had this grim expression on their face and looked like at any moment they would cry. I felt horrible for not telling them about my troubles before and just bottling it up.

I just didn’t want to tell anyone about how horrible it felt to have seen things and not be able to unsee them, I didn’t want to be seen as weak. My family is known to never have problems, they are wrong. I think no family in the world is perfect, there will always be problems in life and that includes family as well.

I sat in the lobby while my parents talked about who knows what, I waited there for a good time before my parents finally walked up to me and said goodbye, I could tell my mother was on the verge of crying and my father was as well. I wonder if they’ll be okay without me for a while.

A lady came and asked me to follow her, I waved bye to my parents and exited the lobby, taking one last glance at my father and mother before the doors closed.

I hope I survive this hellish place, was all I could think.