It was a panicked moment, my baby brother, and I were being dragged into a NASA car by our mother with nothing but confusion and agreement in her eyes. I didn’t see anything, its like I had a bag over my head. I don't think I was even supposed to be awake when they took us, but if their plan was to take us while we were sleeping, why did they choose to continue the plan if its wasn’t going accordingly? Well, I guess they’re taking two kids with their mother's consent, so I guess they didn’t have much to worry about.

I don’t really know why our mom was consenting to this, I don't how a mother could look at their children, and say “This is okay.” when they're being taken away by people they don't know. Maybe insanity. That's the only reason I would ever know to make an excuse for this.

When we got to the place I saw nothing but blackness, and I only heard my brother crying. He wasn’t in my hands, he wasn’t right next to me either, but I kept hearing him scream, wanting someone. He doesn’t breathe when he cries, but I couldn’t move either. I think I may have been bound, or maybe I was in shock, maybe I just didn’t want to move. He suddenly stopped after I had even considered the thought of not helping him. White lights suddenly lit up the room, and there was no crying baby in sight, in fact, there was nothing there, it too was a white room. I didn’t know what to think. I couldn't turn my head, I didn’t dare try to move my eyes, when I tried moving my head; I felt like a hundred knives were cutting into my throat, and I knew they weren’t there, I told myself I would see them even without moving, and I knew I was right.

I wasn’t prepared for when a man entered with my brother, Coltin is his name. Coltin was wrapped in a NASA space suit, draped with aluminum looking material with a smile on his face. He wasn’t worried, how can he be? He’s been passed around his whole life. Honestly, he probably thinks the man is a new daddy. The NASA logo was all over his little spaceman suit, the same logo on top of the man holding him. I was going, to begin with, threats until he pulled out a switch. “YOU MO-” when he pressed the button I was forced onto the ground with pain coursing around my head and arms all the way down to my knees making me kneel. “You were so afraid of me you put a dog col-” Again he pressed the button.

I felt nothing in total though, it didn’t hurt, I knew then it had to be a dream. I never had a brother named Coltin, I had one named Noah. Noah was my brother, Coltin is my cousin. Coltin doesn’t live in a weird suburban house with repeated flowers of the same color, rose. Coltin he has to be with my aunt, and his dad. He’s never had blue pajama pants with flowers on it. His dad doesn’t like queer things. His mother doesn’t even know how to function, and I certainly don’t know the lady. I know she doesn’t have blonde hair, and I know she doesn’t have a porcelain face, I know it. I know Coltin doesn’t have red hair, no one in our family has it, and I know Coltin has hazel eyes, like mine. He has my eyes. He doesn’t own any SpongeBob shirts, so why was he wearing one. I know it’s a dream. It has to be, why would he be let out of site with his mom. Why was his mom pretty and living in such a high-class house, if she's the below average beauty, and on drugs, with no rent money. I know it’s a dream.

So if it’s my dream, why am I not controlling it… was I in someone else's dream? Was I stuck in some paradox?

All I knew is that I had to wake up because in the next 3 minutes, when that man, who somehow works for NASA, comes back, and I knew it won't be nice, and I know it won't be clean. I just had to. I never had a terrible dream where I would do anything to wake up. I like sleep whether it made me happy, mad, scared, or like most times I sleep, no feelings at all. I don't know how to wake up. I never even thought it was possible to make yourself wake up.

“I have to, so please someone wake me,” I didn’t say that though. Maybe I should’ve. I wouldn’t have been in the known if I did though. At least I presume. Maybe then I wouldn’t still be thinking of her. Maybe if I had said something I wouldn’t be imaging that blonde beautiful lady holding my Coltin, with blood dripping down her face, and a crooked smile that shows her intent. Maybe if I had said something, the beautiful lady wouldn’t have Coltin in large, identifiable pieces, maybe she wouldn't have a large beetle mouth sticking out from her face, with her left eye dripping out from her socket.

When I get mad or when I get nervous I can't breathe, just like Coltin when he cries. I can barely hear whatever the other person is saying also. Maybe I don't want to hear what they're saying, or maybe I don't want to be wrong. It may be because I'm constantly surrounded by people who never listen to me, or when I’m winning an argument they make me feel like I never should be talking in the first place or as my brother does, make fun of the way I stutter between sentences, or  when I can't find words I want to use. Maybe if I could actually say something back, maybe I wouldn't have to see the woman’s face, with Coltin in arms.

If I could go back and say that one sentence, I wouldn’t. I know certainty is something people strive for, and so do I, but I somehow think it would be worse if I went back into that dream. I think the ending would be better for my conscious, but It’s weird, I know but I somehow think if I said something, it would change my physical world.

Is it bad that I would choose to leave Coltin in that dream with that woman? Rather than go back and default to something else, I would choose to leave him there? If it was a life altering decision maybe I would’ve chosen to save Coltin, but why wouldn’t I choose to save him in the dream too?

I think that nightmares are always going to be dreams, and dreams are always going to be dreams. Nonexistent. Maybe I made a right choice, or maybe I didn’t, but at least it’s just a dream.