Dear Cheyann,

I won't ever forget the day I gave you that hickey. We had music playing in the back, my bedsheets were flying off the bed and your heart was completely and utterly beating out of your chest. That was a moment for me, a moment that just made me want to kiss you. How could I ruin my friendship with you like that, though? The only reason you wanted the hickey was to show off to the guy you liked. It had nothing to do with me, but it broke my heart once more.

I've never been the best at love and you know this. I always hurt people. I finally figured out why I do this. My first love was you, Cheyann. I was completely and utterly falling in love with you. You broke my heart and maybe it was for the best, but after that day I couldn't seem to let my guard down to potential partners. I always broke their hearts first just so that they couldn't harm mine.

    You know that person, you just want to know every little detail about because their soul and their heart is the most beautiful thing in the word to you? That's always been you.  I'm in love with you. And, maybe it's not even an actual romantic kind of love. But, I'm in love with your thoughts.  You're the person I think of at 3 am when no ones awake and I'm all alone. You're also the person I think of when it's 3 pm and I'm busy and the only escape I have is thinking of you.

I don't know what I want from you so please don't ask me. I don't like dating but I don't like friends with benefits because it could never sustain the fact that I would want more, always. I guess if I wanted one thing it would be for you to love my soul too. But, that's way too much to ask of you, I know.

I'm not sure what kind of love it is. I don't know if it's the kind where we're together forever or the kind that slowly fades into lust. I know one thing for sure. It's the kind where I want nothing more than you. Constantly, just you.

I tell you I love you every time we hang up the phone, but maybe one day you'll actually understand what that means.

All my love,

Your best friend,,

Elliot

Dear Jo,


You're one of the first people, not blood related to me, that I opened up to. You're the first person I drank with. The first person I did teen antics with. My partner in crime. We're hushed secrets in the chilly dark night. Alcohol spewing from our mouths as chuckles erupt from us. We're the teens those kids were warned about- And I couldn't love it more.

Which memory do I even start with? We've shared so many great ones. My favorite perhaps was this one night we decided to go outside at 4 am.We had smoked a lot of weed and drank a lot of vodka shots that night and felt like chilling below the moonlit sky. It was one of the first times you had opened up to me and I to you. I told you about mental hospitals and my history with my mental health and you returned the favor by telling me about your dark history. It was a night that started with laughing, then quiet secrets and ended with us being siblings.

I hope to have much more chaos with you in the future.

All the love,

Elliot

Dear T,

The time we did have was fun. You were charming and cute and made me blush like crazy. You pulled jokes out of your pocket like they were loose change- And that smile. Oh my f*ing god that smile drove me crazy.

The first time we met up, I had pulled my best friend Cheyann along so that I wouldn't be anxious by myself searching for your cute face. Regardless, Cheyann was just as anxious as me. We both wandered around the mall looking for you and occasionally hiding from your texts to meet up. I was scared. Scared that you were gonna hate me. But then I saw you. You had your back turned and were looking at your phone. You looked so damn adorable. My heart skipped a beat and my cheeks flushed like crazy. I was falling so damn hard.

That day, you told Cheyann that you were crushing on me. She's my best friend so of course she told me. You were clever so i'm sure you knew she would. You made me fall for you and told me you had fallen too. Then T, what did you do next? You got a girlfriend the next day. I stayed completely dedicated to you anyways. Immediately texting you back and there on your call.

You texted me recently actually and told me you still have huge feelings for me, but too bad you're stuck in a relationship. You ignored me for a month and then snuck your way back into my life to tell me this shit? Really T?

Thanks for not letting me move on and instead become your playtoy.

All my love,

Elliot

Dear ma,

Where do I begin? It's a rainy morning in early December when I came out to you as transgender. We were in the car going to your workplace because I had decided to play hooky that day. I was surprised you hadn't swerved right off the busy intersection. You didn't say anything. I don't think you even understood at that time what being transgender meant. You were snappy the rest of the day.

We've come far from then in many ways. You've started calling me Elliot and get mad when someone calls me something else. You even said that i could change my name legally soon.

We still have our issues though. Like any parent and child relationship, it feels like you don't understand me sometimes. You don't take interest in me because your too busy taking care of me and I understand that. But it hurts me sometimes to know you don't even know my favorite color.

All my love,,

Elliot

-December 5th, 2017

Dear Brandon or any future lover my best friend has,

I know you'll never see this but my best friend is quite in love with you. Her whole schedule is dedicated to thinking about you. I'll never understand why this is. You're an asshole. Nonetheless, here's a guide to dating the love of my life.


She's the most beautiful person I know. But she's so insecure about herself. It breaks my heart to hear the way she talks about herself and see the way she looks at herself. So when she asks you why you love her and starts a big fight. Just know that she genuinely doesn't understand the love you hold for her. Constantly remind her why and she'll eventually understand.

If you can't treat her like she deserves the world than you don't deserve to be near her. When she loves something, she loves it with her whole heart so don't you dare love her any less than she needs.

Her dog and cats always, ALWAYS come first. Remember the way she takes her coffee too, this is very important in her daily life. Don't ever pressure her into anything. If she wants something then she wants it. If she doesn't then you better back off and give her a breather or so help me god.

If she's having a panic attack, Rub her hair and give her loads of cuddles. Remind her that she has medication if she needs it but makes sure she doesn't because this girl deserves someone who can calm her down.



She's goofy and will beg you to go get her juicy juice. Just go get her the damn juice or you'll never hear the end of it. Play along with her antics and laugh loud because she deserves nothing less. Lastly, she has a heart of gold so when she loves you. Love her back. With your whole heart and whole mind. Never let that gold go out.

All my love,

An ex-boyfriend,

Elliot