When you look at me what do you see? A girl with no worry in the world, who is happy and content with life, and a girl who will never let anything defeat her. When I look at myself I see imperfection. I see a girl who needs to try extremely hard to be able to succeed at anything in life. I see myself trying to heal the wounds that were once so deep I would need stitches to heal them. I have come a long way from who I used to be though. My life may not be everything I want it to be, but I'm working on it the best I can. I also realized that I can't spend my life trying to be someone I'm not. Anyways, I wouldn't wanna be anyone else but myself.

         I used to be depressed, hard to believe right? I did not care about anything, I just wanted to stay in my room and hide. I did not want to be a part of this cruel world we call home any longer. I believed I was better off dead. In Car Radio by twenty-one pilots it says “I have these thoughts I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought, because someone stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence.” This shows my thoughts, thoughts of suicide consumed me. I tried so hard to drown them with music or a escape, but it only helped for a short while. It led to me failing everything in school, doing things I should not be doing, and trying to be the person others wanted me to become. I was bullied everyday . The horrible things people called me, which were not true stuck in my head like a magnet. The girl they saw, was the girl I had become. Eventually, things got so bad I was sent to Belmont Pines, a mental hospital. You may think that had to have been the worst time of my life, right? No, the four weeks I spent there was actually the best time of my life. I learned a lot of useful things, that have helped me so much since I have been out. While there I was medicated, the doctor and my parents believed it was the best thing to help get my mood swings and anxiety under control. It helped for a while but then I refused to take it because I wanted to become mentally stable by myself, I did not want to be dependent on a medication my whole life. Mr. Jeff, my teacher was and still is a very big influence in my life. He taught me, no matter what other people think or say about you, it only matters what you think and say about yourself. At first I didn't believe him, but the longer I stayed at Belmont and had time to think about this, I realized how true this statement actually was. The key to making yourself better is to forget what others say or think and focus on what you think.

         I was the girl who would never make it in the world because of the decisions I had made. However, your decisions do not define who you are as a person! I used to do things to try to escape the reality of life, and in the end it only made things way worse then they were. When you do something you think will give you a escape , you're only giving yourself another reason to be depressed. You're going to end up regretting the decision you made, to find an escape. One of the worst things a person can do is live with regrets. You need to try to live regret free, it may be hard, but if I can, I know you can. At the end of the day you have to realize everything happens for a reason, and it's just your destiny. Yes, you may wish things played out differently and that's okay, just don't live with regrets, it's really bad on your mental health.

         As I've gotten older I realized what I have to do to succeed, I'm making it. I get good grades and stay positive, my life has a meaning, I may not know what that meaning is, but nobody does. I realized I deserve to be here just as much as anyone else. You may be wondering if I still have bad days, and yes, I do. I struggle with things a lot of people don't, but when I have a bad day, I know that it's just one bad day, and not a bad life.

         Life is a beautiful struggle! I know some of you may be feeling the same way I did, but things will get better I promise. I've been through ups and downs, through hell and back, but I made it through the worst of times. You have to live day by day, and take baby steps to get better. Start off with one positive thought a day, then work your way up to two and so on. Before you know it what others say won't matter anymore because you're going to feel the best you ever have, you're learning to have confidence and love yourself. Also, do things that make you feel good, like getting your hair or nails done, hanging out with friends, anything. Find a good support system, this is one of the most important things to trying to better yourself. I've been through times where I had nobody, I had to learn to become my own best friend, at the end of the day nobody is going to be there for you like yourself. Make sure you vent when you're feeling down and out because if not, you're gonna lead yourself deeper and deeper into the hole you're already in, this is also when you start making the decisions to do things you'll regret. Reward yourself if you notice you're getting better, even if it's just a little bit. Do something that you enjoy, that you don't get to do often because you're making the choice and effort to better yourself. Surround yourself with people that are positive and have a good head on their shoulders, if you do their good traits will rub off on you. If you're going to surround yourself around negative people who don't do the right things you're never going to get better, because you're still surrounded around people that make bad decisions. You need to be able to love and take care of yourself so you can help the people like us, if not the future generations are going to be way worse than we ever thought of being.

         You have to hit rock bottom, before you can work your way back up. It's going to be difficult at times, I know, trust me. Think about it though you can't live your whole life being miserable. If you aren't happy and don't do things you enjoy now, you may never get the chance. In Stressed out by twenty-one pilots, the song says “ wish we could turn back time to the good old days when our mommas sang us to sleep, but now we're stressed out.” The meaning of this is your childhood, when everyone supports you and does things for you, is the best time of your life. Once you hit adulthood, it's all on you at that point, you become stressed out and miserable because life as an adult is hard. So if you don't enjoy life now, it's a possibility you may never live a happy life. There is nothing compared to the stress you have as an adult to the stress you're having now, it's way worse. Try to put hurtful things behind you and be happy.

         Getting better is not going to happen over night. I am still not completely healed, I may never be, but I'm pretty close. I work on getting better a little more each and everyday. Yes, some days I am still depressed, and others I am the happiest girl in the world. Some days I hate myself, others I love myself. I've learned to have more good days than bad days. It's normal to have ups and downs. You just have to strive for having more good days than bad, like I did. Nothing will ever be perfect. Don't let your mind stop you from doing something you really want to do. No matter how bad you may want something if you don't make the effort to make it reality you will never be able to accomplish it. Just remember your actions speak way louder than your words.

         I really hope I was able to help someone with sharing some of my story. I don't really like thinking about the past, so it was kind of hard writing about the things I used to go through on a daily basis. Stop dwelling on the past, this is the present, worry about your future, things the happened to you in the past are in the past for a reason. I am positive there are people all around us that feel worthless, or want to give up. In Merry Go Round by MGK he says, “Merry merry merry go round, I don't want to see you down, I don't want to see you frown, merry go round.” I hate seeing people feeling the way I did, because I know all too well what it feels like to want to commit suicide, it sucks. Our lives are like a merry go round, at one point our heads are spinning, then at another it all stops. Don't let someone talk crap about you. You are perfect, no matter what anyone says. Live your life to the fullest. You only get life, there is no second chances.

      By; McKinzee