Wake up.
My face is buried into the wooden floor. As reality hits me I realize.
Annie.
I get up from the ground. I just feel like crap. It feels like a gun was shot next to my ear, and my head is still buzzing. At this point I am mad. I want to start screaming, but then I just fall down on the bed. I become conscious of the fact that this is not my house, my room, or my bed. I can feel someone near me, hoping that it is my wife.
Please be her.
This can’t get any worse can it? I am laying face down in somebody’s bed, without knowing what happened to me. Not knowing who the person next to me is driving me crazy.
“Hope you had fun last night.”
Well s***.
Call me Daddy of the year.
His daughter is gone and he wakes up the next day with some chick.
I get up from the bed as careful and quiet as I can. Looking for my clothes is like finding a piece to a jigsaw puzzle. As I get dressed and ready to leave, I look back at the woman in bed, and ask myself:
“What the hell are you doing John?”
I go outside and check the streets. I am get a call from my wife. These call are usually a pain, but I need to know what is going on.
“What the hell is wrong with you John?”
The phone blows up as always.
“You think you can visit your child once when he is born, and that’s it.”
“What are you saying?”
“Your child, John, or do you just not care what happens to Annie.”
“Annie is four years old, Carol. She was with me yesterday, and then she was gone.”
“John, you know what?! I don’t need this bullshit that you are giving me right now. If you don’t care about Annie anymore, then why are you still talking? It seems like all you want to do is get drunk and go out with your whore friends like you always do!”
I am the world’s fallen soldier who doesn’t believe anything people say.
I am running across streets to get to the hospital as fast as I can.
“Baby I will be there as fast as I…”
The car hits me like at a high speed as if it’s a freaking NASCAR. Flying through streets is so peaceful that you wish you will never stop flying.

Wake up.
That smell.
That hospital smell.
That buzzing sound in my ear.
My daughter that is in the hospital.
I need to find her; I can’t stand one second without her. The real question is if I can even stand up properly from that accident.
I feel fine. I don’t know how, but I am fine.
I run out of my room into this long corridor of rooms that has a secretary at the end. I see a big old looking lady putting nail polish. I start walking to her desk. She speaks without even looking at me.
“Third time this week Mr. Hoffman.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, sorry I meant to say the fourth.”
I get closer.
I reach her desk and she is staring down each and every hair on my skin.
“Where is my daughter, Annie? Where is she?”
“You have a daughter?”
“Yes. She was born here not too long ago.”
She opens up her binder and checks for Annie’s name. As she was listing through pages, she is having a conversation with me.
“Can’t believe that you have a daughter Mr. Hoffman. I thought people like you don’t care about anyone but themselves.”
“How can you think that, you don’t even know me!”
“You kids are just are a pain in the head. You probably still feel funny from all of that morphine. You don’t understand a single word I’m saying.”
“The only incapability I have is understanding what you are telling me right now. The only other time that I was here is when my daughter was...”
She cuts me off.
“Sir, your daughter was discharged on December 21, 2004.”
“That is impossible. You are lying. This…This can’t be true!”
Why would she lie to me? I am just lying to myself?
“Listen, I don’t know how I got here but…”
“Oh, sorry this is my fault, how about the next time you pass out from whatever you are doing, why won’t you sign in and write a short summary of how you got here?”
This is the most painful conversation I have ever had with a woman. Why can’t she tell me what happened? That would be too easy. I realize that this conversation will go nowhere, so I just leave and take my stuff.
I am going home. I hope that my family is there, waiting for me to walk through that door. It’s a lovely bright day, the streets are alive with movement of cars, pissed off taxi drivers, and overly emotional women talking to their husbands. By the time I reach my house, the sun is starting to hide behind the tall apartment buildings.
I walk in.
I see Annie drawing pictures on the floor. She looks the same as the last time I saw her. Maybe that was a dream. We share smiles and I pick her up and give her a hug. I put her down, and she goes for the drawings.
“Dad look, it’s our family. See that is me and mom on the left and you on the right.”
“Honey why am I so angry?”
“Because you always do that thing with the…”
She stops and looks behind me. I see my wife staring at me.
“Honey, go to your room!”
Carol snaps at her.
Annie goes to her room leaving the drawings on the floor, and an unfinished statement.
“I thought we talked about this John. You have no right to bring your ass to my house and talk to my daughter!”
This is painful. I feel like student who fell asleep during a lecture and doesn’t know what the hell is going on.
“Baby, please tell me what is going on! I want to help! I want everything to go back to…”
“Normal? Were you seriously going to say normal, John? Is having your family evicted, normal? All these years you have only brought pain to this family and nothing more! I thought we were going to have a family since the day that I married you.”
What have I done to deserve this, what did I do?
I try to grab her, and calm her down, she hesitates and I try to grab her hands. She is screaming now “HELP” and I am telling her to calm down.
Bang.
Everything stops.
Carol stops.
The screaming stops.
I look down my chest.
Blood colors my shirt red.
I look at Carol she is just looking at me without any concern of what is happening to me. I collapse to the ground, choking on my own blood. I hear footsteps. They were loud. I see his feet, his black dress shoes. I grab his feet and say help in the best way I can but comes out is “Heighleeep.”
I try to grab his leg, but he manages to get away.
I see them. Annie and Carol standing next to the man.
Annie walks toward me.
“Leave, daddy!”
What have I done to deserve this?
“Get out and never come back!”
The most relaxing tear runs down my face.
Now I’m crying.
And now I am dead.

Wake up.
I see the light.
Quiet.
Just peace.
Did I die?
Is this it?
Just a white light.
Heaven?
I get up. I look around. Nothing. Everything is just plain white and nothing more. Where do I go? Is this what I get? A never ending nightmare. I start walking and screaming for help, But, I get nothing.
Time goes by, and I am still in the middle of nowhere.
I feel like I’m being punished for something and I don’t even know what did to deserve this. And I can’t apologize in any way to make it better. I sit there and think. I try to remember what Annie’s face looks like; trying to remember the fun times that we had, but I can’t. Everything is turning blank. What did I do really? Nobody really told me in the long run.
I wonder why I am not hungry. Am I losing my mind from other things, that I don’t have time to think about food. I remember when I was a kid my mom would take me to this ice-cream place and I would stuff my face with an ice-cream-cake. My dad used to be in the army, he used to call me weak, because I would give anything away for that cake.
My imagination of what heaven would be like is corrupt. I thought maybe somebody at least would show me a tour of the place, but I feel so alone.
Reality might be hitting me here. I see something in the distance, a black doorway, but I am just standing there not knowing what to do. I start walking towards it. Is this my way out of here? Am I going back to my old life?
I can just make guesses at this point.
I reach the door.
I open it.
A dark hole leading to who knows where. I look back and I see nothing. In front of me I see hope that I might get out.
I jump.
I can’t see where I am falling. I am screaming my lungs out. When I calm down I decide to just wait for it.
I close my eyes.
It’s quiet now.
I open my eyes.
I see the light.
I am lying down in a bed.
I am breathing heavily. Adrenaline pumping through my veins. I get up quickly and I see a door. I am wearing a white hospital gown. I quickly approach the door and see other people. I start calling them, hitting the door to get their attention. They just look at me and leave.
Let me go.
I want out.
I need air.
“Help! Help… help!”
Somebody opens my door.
I smile and think that it is all over.
They slam the door open, pushing me away. Two guys tackle me to the floor.
“What are you doing? Stop! Let me go! I need to go back to Annie!”
No matter what I say they won’t listen. Two other nurses walk in with a needle.
“Push 2 Ativan, 2 Haldol, 25 Benadryl. Now!”
I start kicking and punching until they put me out of action. The nurse counts down for me.
“3…2…1.”
The needle is inserted.
Calm down John, just calm down and go to sleep.
My mind drifts away.

Wake up.
I get up.
I am in a jail cell.
Out of all the places! This is what I call rock bottom.
I hear someone walking towards my cell.
“Mr. Hoffman.”
I look at that man in a police officer uniform.
“Today is the day.”
It’s like I am about to get executed.
“What day?”
“Real funny, but I don’t think someone forgets the day of their trial. Walk towards the wall, keep your hands behind your back.”
Why should I hesitate?
If I back away from this, maybe I will never find out what really happened.
He takes me to an office.
I walk in, and there is a man sitting there.
“John, are you ready?”
“Who are you, and what is your name?”
“It’s me, Dave… Dave Jackson… Your lawyer.”
I have been denying everything people say to me.
“Yeah sure, why not.”
“Ok, you just need to follow my lead ok and you will be fine. Ok?
“Ok.”
The officer walks back in.
“It’s time.”
I walk into court room.
Everyone is just staring at me as if I am some kind of a monster.
I sit down on the left side of the court.
I see Carol, and I am just looking at her, shocked.
The judge walks in.
The judge’s puppet starts talking.
“All rise! You may be seated.”
“Defendant, please stand!”
Just shoot me already.
I get up.
“Mr. John Hoffman, you are accused of abusive behavior under the influence of drugs or alcohol and aggravated assault of your wife Carol Hoffman.”
After hearing all that… Am I a human being that deserves to live?
Carol takes the stand, and her lawyer asks her questions.
“Carol, tell me when did this all start?”
She is looking down, with tears coming down her cheeks.
“John… went to a party and got really drunk, when he came back at three in the morning.… I was still awake waiting for him, when he walked in… I asked him where he was. We have a long argument, but then he just… hits me in the face multiple times, and just goes to bed.”
I can’t handle this.
“Carol, I am sorry I will stop drinking.”
“Stop with the bullshit, John.”
“I can change, Carol, we don’t have to…”
The judge snaps at me.
“Mr. Hoffman you need to be quiet, this is your first warning!”
We move on.
“Mrs. Hoffman how many incidents like this did you have?”
She is shaking as she answers.
“Too many to remember.”
I can’t, I just can’t.
And I have a feeling that there will be more pain that will tear me apart.
“I would like to call up Annie to the stand.”
The door opens and she comes out, as she walks by I am starting to tear up. Why did I do this? I am a piece of crap that should be buried in the ground.
“Hi, Annie. How are you doing today?”
“I’m ok.”
No you are not; your father is a monster.
“Annie, we have some pictures that you drew not too long ago. Can you explain who is in the drawing?”
That picture is real. It is not a dream, it is all real!
“It is our family; see dad is on the right, and me and mom on the left.”
“Why is your dad on the right? And why is he angry?
“Because daddy drinks this thing that makes him angry, and then after he is done drinking, he leaves.”
“And, why is mommy sad?”
Why John? Why?
“Because daddy hits her.”
“No more questions your honor.”
“Ok I would like to call up…”
This stuff is like the TV show that never ends.
“Detective Keyes.”
“Detective, why did you shoot John?”
“Carol called me, and said that John came to their house, so I had to come to make sure everything was ok.”
“When you walked in what did you see?”
“I saw John harassing Carol, so I had to take the shot.”
Can’t listen to this.
“That’s bullshit; I tried to calm her…”
The judge cuts me off.
“Mr. Hoffman that is your second warning.”
Give me a break.
“No more questions your honor.”
“Ok now the jury will decide guilty or not. But, before that Mr. Hoffman stand up and make your last statement.”
This is my only chance to tell them I am sorry.
“Carol… Annie… I’m sorry. If I haven’t touched the bottle this would have never happened. Annie I just want you to know that I love you. Carol I’m sorry I was not the man that you expected when we first met, but I love you, and I know that I messed up. I was lost in my own mind, and treated you like crap, but I have this one final request… can I say goodbye to Annie.”
She looks at me, and finds somewhere in her heart to tell me…
“Yes.”
I look at the judge.
“Your honor?”
“Go ahead.”
I walk to Annie, kneel down.
“Hey honey.”
“Hey daddy.”
“I’m sorry for what I did to our family, I don’t know if you will ever forgive me.”
“I don’t know.”
“Well can I give you a promise?”
“What is it?”
I come closer to her ear and whisper.
She smiles.
“I will wait for you daddy.”
“I love you honey.”
As painful as it is to stand up and walk away the jury is done deciding my faith.
“The Jury may stand up. The defendant John Hoffman was accused for abusive behavior towards his wife and child while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. The jury finds John Hoffman, guilty and he will be sentenced to 10 years of jail time.”
I knew I was done for, but now I had a reason to live. Life is the most brutal thing that you can fight with, but it has its moments; just protect yourself and your loved ones.
I smiled at the jury and said.
“I can wait.”