Characters:

ROOMMATE 1

ROOMMATE 2

ROOMMATE 3

ROOMMATE 4

Setting:

2020s, middle of Fall

[Midday. Woodcliff Lake, New Jersey. Hotel room with two beds, a chair, and a TV, unoccupied.]

[Day 1]

[ROOMMATE 1 is offstage, in the hallway (left wing), with two suitcases, a backpack, and a souvenir bag. He struggles to open the door, and he walks into the vacant room. He sets his luggage in the far corner of the room by the TV, turns on the TV, and sits down. Then he gets up and leaves. A few moments later, ROOMMATE 2 enters the room with the same type of luggage and sets his stuff down by the bed closest to the door in the opposite corner and begins to unpack. ROOMMATE 1 returns with a small box.]

ROOMMATE 1

Howdy.

ROOMMATE 2

Hey. [Flops down on the bed by his stuff.]

ROOMMATE 1

[While unpacking] When did you get here?

ROOMMATE 2

[Deliriously.] Bro, I got here at like three pm yesterday, but I had to switch rooms because I didn’t like my roommates.

ROOMMATE 1

[Sits down on the far bed] Why, what happened?

ROOMMATE 2

They would not stop talking, and I couldn’t get any sleep.

ROOMMATE 1

Fair.

ROOMMATE 2

Are you watching this? [He gestures towards the TV.]

ROOMMATE 1

No, not really.

[He checks his phone as ROOMMATE 2 sits up, grabs the remote, and starts flipping through channels.]  Where ya from?

ROOMMATE 2

Texas. You?

ROOMMATE 1

I flew in from St. Louis. I got here at like 9:30.

[ROOMMATE 2 finds a channel he likes, and gets into bed.]

ROOMMATE 1

[Standing up] I heard they’re playing icebreakers in the Oak Room, I think I’m gonna head down there.

ROOMMATE 2

The meeting starts at 6, right?

ROOMMATE 1

Yea, we got time to kill.

[ROOMMATE 1 leaves, while ROOMMATE 2 takes a nap. ROOMMATE 1 walks back in, grabs his water bottle out of his backpack, and leaves again. ROOMMATE 2 wakes up and leaves. ROOMMATE 3 walks into the room with his two suitcases, backpack, and bag. He sets his stuff down by the side of the TV closest to the door. ROOMMATE 4 walks in with similar luggage to the other three, and sets his stuff down by a chair next to the far bed.]

ROOMMATE 3

Hey.

ROOMMATE 4

Hey.

ROOMMATE 3

Dang, you’re tall.

ROOMMATE 4

Thanks, I get that a lot.

[They both leave.]

[Evening.]

[ROOMMATE 4 returns to the room, followed by ROOMMATE 3, then ROOMMATE 2. ROOMMATES 3 AND 4 start to unpack.]

ROOMMATE 2

Dang, that’s a big suitcase! [He stands by the bed that he claimed earlier]

ROOMMATE 3

[Laughs.] Thanks

ROOMMATE 4

Are there only 3 people in this room? [He takes out his phone and starts to use it for something]

ROOMMATE 2

Nah, there’s another. He’s probably DoorDashing something since we can’t leave the hotel.

ROOMMATE 3

That’s a wise decision.

ROOMMATE 4

Yea I’m making my order right now.

[ROOMMATES 2 AND 3 both take their phones out and start making DoorDash orders as well. ROOMMATE 1 returns with his food.]

ROOMMATE 1

Oh, new people! What’s up?

ROOMMATE 2

[Starts flipping channels again.] Not much, bro.

ROOMMATE 1

[While gesturing toward ROOMMATES 3 AND 4] Where are you two from?

ROOMMATE 3

North Carolina.

ROOMMATE 4

[Stands up] California.

ROOMMATE 1

[Looking up at ROOMMATE 4]

Dang, you’re tall.

ROOMMATE 4

Yea, I’m six five.

[ROOMMATE 1 lets out a low whistle of surprise.]

ROOMMATE 2

Six five is insane, bro.

ROOMMATE 1

First time in like four years that I’ve felt genuinely short.

ROOMMATE 3

Oh, my driver’s almost here.

ROOMMATE 4

Same.

ROOMMATE 3

[Stops channel surfing.] Did you guys get Eduard? [pronunciation: ehd-WAHRD]

[ROOMMATES 2 AND 4 respond simultaneously]

ROOMMATE 2

Nope.

ROOMMATE 4

Yup.

ROOMMATE 2

[Stops channel surfing.] Who wants to shower first?

ROOMMATE 1

I was gonna take one in the morning.

ROOMMATE 4

I don’t mind going last

ROOMMATE 3

All yours, man.

[ALL ROOMMATES leave. ROOMMATES 1, 3, AND 4 go into the hall (right wing), while ROOMMATE 2 enters the bathroom (right wing) ‘showers’ (water running noises). He re-enters the stage in pajamas, then exits into the hallway (left wing).]

[ROOMMATES 2, 3, AND 4 all return with their food. ROOMMATE 2 lies on his bed, ROOMMATE 3 grabs the remote, and sits on the foot of the far bed, and ROOMMATE 4 sits on the chair.]

ROOMMATE 3

Anyone watching this?

[ROOMMATE 4 shakes his head.]

ROOMMATE 2

Nope.

[ROOMMATE 3 goes through the channels while the other two ROOMMATES start eating. He stops channel surfing and sets the remote down on the bed next to him. The three ROOMMATES are watching the TV. They let out a laugh, and ROOMMATE 1 returns and sits on the side of the far bed. ROOMMATE 4 finishes eating.]

ROOMMATE 4 [to ROOMMATE 3]

Did you wanna shower now?

ROOMMATE 3

You can go ahead, I’m not finished yet.

ROOMMATE 4

Preciate it.

[He goes into the bathroom and ‘showers’. ROOMMATES 2 AND 3 finish eating. ROOMMATE 4 heads out of the bathroom with a towel, gets some pajamas out of his suitcase, and goes back into the bathroom. ROOMMATE 4 brushes his teeth with an electric toothbrush, then he finishes water running and spitting noises are heard from the sink. He then exits the bathroom in his pajamas.]

ROOMMATE 3

How was it?

ROOMMATE 4

Exhilarating. There’s only one more body towel in there.

ROOMMATE 1

Why would they only have three towels in a hotel bathroom for four people?

ROOMMATE 4

[Picks up the phone and presses the button for room service]

I dunno, but It’ll probably be like that for the rest of the week. [Into the phone] Hi, can we get an extra towel in room four seventy five? Thanks. [Hangs up.]

ROOMMATE 2

Isn’t there like some chaperone meeting we gotta attend now?

ROOMMATE 3

[Checks phone] Yea, it says we need to be in the hallway outside our room at 9:30. [puts phone away]

ROOMMATE 1

[Glances at clock between beds] So we should prolly get out there.

ROOMMATE 4

Yup.

[ALL ROOMMATES leave.]

[ALL ROOMMATES return. ROOMMATE 2 lays down on his bed, and ROOMMATE 1 sits down on the other bed]

ROOMMATE 3

Sooo, gentlemen, what’s the bed situation?

ROOMMATE 4

I’m way to big to fit in one of these by myself, let alone with someone. I’ll just sleep on the floor. [He starts to clear a space on the floor in between the far bed and the chair.]

ROOMMATE 1

I already got dibs on this one [points down at the bed he’s sitting on], but I don’t mind sharing a bed.

[ROOMMATE 4 sits down on the floor, leaning back with his left palm on the floor behind him, and he is scrolling through his phone with his right hand]

[There is a knock at the door. ROOMMATE 3 goes over and stands outside the door.]

ROOMMATE 2

I’m sleeping here [weakly gestures to the bed he’s laying on].

ROOMMATE 3 (offstage)

Thank you ma’am.

[Walks back onstage with a towel in his hand, goes across to the bathroom and leaves it in the bathroom. Returns to the room.]

ROOMMATE 3

Ya know, [stands up] I think I’ll sleep on the floor too.

[Walks over to his suitcase, kneels down and unzips one of the suitcase pockets.]

ROOMMATE 1

You sure? There’s plenty of room here.

ROOMMATE 3

[He takes out a travel sized tube of toothpaste and an electric toothbrush.]

[While walking to the bathroom (right wing) with the items in his hand] Yea, I’m a bit of a snuggler, and I don’t wanna wake up snuggling someone. At least, not on the first night.

[Exits into the bathroom, leaves the toothpaste in the bathroom, turns on toothbrush and enters the stage with toothbrush in mouth]

ROOMMATE 2

[Gets up and walks to the ice bucket by the TV]

I think I’m gonna go get some ice.

[He grabs the bucket and is about to leave.]

ROOMMATE 3

[While brushing his teeth] Oh can I use those pillows? [pointing at two of the four pillows on ROOMMATE 2’s bed.]

ROOMMATE 2

All yours bro.

[He leaves.]

ROOMMATE 3

[As ROOMMATE 2 is leaving] Thanks. [He grabs the pillows with his free hand and puts them on the floor by his suitcase.]

ROOMMATE 1

Oh, you can take these. [Handing two of his pillows to ROOMMATE 4.]

ROOMMATE 4

Ah, thank you. [He takes the pillows and puts them on the floor in between the chair and ROOMMATE 1’s bed.] Can I have a blanket too?

[ROOMMATE 1 hands him a blanket.]

Awesome, thanks.

[ROOMMATE 3’s toothbrush pulses, letting him know that it is done. He goes back to the ‘bathroom’ and turns off the toothbrush. Sounds of water running and ROOMMATE 3 spitting are heard from the bathroom.]

[ROOMMATE 2 returns and puts some ice in his water bottle, it splashes. He puts the lid on and takes a big sip.]

ROOMMATE 1

Is that a gallon?

ROOMMATE 2

[Holds the bottle up above his head and he examines it, and shrugs as he brings it town] A hundred twenty eight ounces.

[He takes another sip, this one a little smaller.]

ROOMMATE 3

[While entering the ‘room’] Yea, that would be a gallon.

ROOMMATE 2

[Finishes drinking. While making the “ahh” sound that one makes once they finish drinking a lot.]

Then yea.

ROOMMATE 1

I got one of those back at home, but I thought I seemed a little excessive for this trip.

ROOMMATE 2

[While chuckling] It is.

ROOMMATE 3

[To ROOMMATE 2.] Hey, can I get a blanket?

[ROOMMATE 2 hands him the blanket.]

[ROOMMATE 3 grabs the blanket.]

ROOMMATE 3

[While laying down with his head on the pillows, and fluffing the blanket over him] Thank you sir.

[ROOMMATE 2 goes into the bathroom and starts manually brushing his teeth.]

[ROOMMATE 1 picks up a manual toothbrush and toothpaste from his suitcase, heads to the bathroom and brushes teeth. ROOMMATE 2 returns to the room, still brushing his teeth. He grabs the remote from the bed, turns the TV off, and sets it on the dresser between the beds. As ROOMMATE 1 finishes rinsing and enters the room with clean teeth, ROOMMATE 2 heads back to the bathroom and rinses as well. ROOMMATES 1 AND 2 lay down on their respective beds.]

ROOMMATE 3

So how does it feel to be a part of this program?

ROOMMATE 1

[While pushing buttons on the alarm clock] Oh, it’s amazing.

ROOMMATE 2

[Entering the room] Oh, I still can’t believe it.

ROOMMATE 4

Yea, it’s pretty crazy.

ROOMMATE 3

Yea, wild.

ROOMMATE 4

Well goodnight y’all.

[ALL ROOMMATES lay down and ‘sleep’]

[Day 2]

[Morning]

[The alarm clock goes off, ROOMMATES wake up. ROOMMATE 2 turns off the alarm.]

[ROOMMATE 3 grabs some clothes from on top of his suitcase, goes into the bathroom and ‘showers.’ ROOMMATES 2 AND 4 get dressed and leaves.]

[ROOMMATE 3 turns off the shower, and walks out of the bathroom wearing the same clothes he took into the bathroom. ROOMMATE 1 grabs his own clothes as ROOMMATE 3 walks straight out the door. ROOMMATE 1 goes into the bathroom and ‘showers.’ Then he goes straight out the door.]

[ALL ROOMMATES return, brush their teeth, and they each grab their respective backpacks, and they each pull an official windbreaker from their respective souvenir bags. They all walk swiftly out the door while putting on their windbreakers.]

[Evening]

[ROOMMATES return to room. The sheets and pillows used by ROOMMATES 3 and 4 are back on their respective beds. ROOMMATE 1 has a rubber chicken in his hand. Each ROOMMATE sets their stuff down and grabs their respective suitcase. (each ROOMMATE brought two suitcases, one is currently opened, and one is currently unopened. The suitcases they each grab now are their respective unopened ones) ROOMMATE 1 exits into the hallway. ROOMMATES 2-4 each grab a folder from their respective opened suitcase. The three ROOMMATES exit into the hallway.]

[ALL ROOMMATES return to the room with the items they brought down, ROOMMATE 1 now has three pieces of paper in his hand. (two of the papers are only half sheets, cleanly ripped) ROOMMATES 2-4 make their way to their respective suitcases, and put their folders back

ROOMMATE 3

What’cha got there?

ROOMMATE 1

[Making his way over to his suitcase]

The guy noticed that I didn’t have any copies with me, so he let me have some of his. [Taking folder out of suitcase] I told him at the end that I had my own copies, but [shrugging] he insisted that I keep them. [He puts the extra copies in the folder.] So now I guess I got two copies of everything.

[Drops the folder on the desk by his stuff]

ROOMMATE 4

[Picks up the phone and dials room service.]

[Into phone] Hey, this is room four seventy five, could we get an extra towel again?

Thanks. [Hangs up.]

[ROOMMATE 1 leaves the room with phone in hand. ROOMMATES 3 AND 4 sit on the far bed. ROOMMATE 2 goes into the bathroom and ‘showers.’]

[ROOMMATE 2 leaves the bathroom in pajamas, lays down on bed. He picks up the remote and turns the TV on.]

[ROOMMATE 1 returns with a plastic bag. He sets it down on the fridge. (the fridge is right by the corner where his luggage is). takes out a 20 oz root beer, opens it, and starts drinking it. He puts the cap back on, and removes a 20 oz cream soda, and lays it on its side on the top shelf of the fridge, right beneath the freezer. He then takes out a half gallon of milk, and pours himself a cup.]

ROOMMATE 1

Anyone want some milk? [ROOMMATES 2-4 shake their heads as ROOMMATE 1 downs the milk cup in one gulp] You sure? It’s two percent.

ROOMMATES 3

I’m good.

ROOMMATE 4

No, but thanks for the offer.

ROOMMATE 2

[Flabbergastedly] Why do you have milk?

ROOMMATE 1

I dunno, man. [He lays it down in the fridge right next to the cream soda.] I was just craving a cold root beer, so I decided to DoorDash it, because we can’t leave the hotel. So as I was making my seven-eleven root beer DoorDash order, it comes up with this list of suggested items, right? And one of these items was a half-gallon of milk. [ROOMMATES laugh] So I thought to myself, ‘heck yeah!’ because I know I’m probably going to drink at least half of this before the trip is over, and I figured y’all might want some too. 

ROOMMATE 3

[Gets up and walks to the bathroom.] I can respect that. [Starts the shower.]

ROOMMATE 1

And I also got a cream soda because I’m a little impulsive and I didn’t wanna have to pay another delivery fee if I changed my mind.

[ROOMMATE 1 grabs his toothbrush and toothpaste from the table and starts brushing his teeth.]

ROOMMATE 1

[With toothbrush in mouth, speaking incoherently] Oh hooo. [ROOMMATES 2 AND 4 look at him] I phorgaw ee wa in a howah.

ROOMMATE 2

[Very confused] Huh?

ROOMMATE 1

[Slightly more coherently, with the assistance of nonverbal communication] I forgot he [Points at bathroom] was in [points again] the shower [points again.]

[ROOMMATES 2 AND 4 laugh, as ROOMMATE 1 flops down on the bed.]

ROOMMATE 1

Now I’m just stuck brushing my teeth until he gets out of the shower.

ROOMMATE 4

Or you could spit it in the trash…

ROOMMATE 2

Or you could spit it in a cup, and we could all spit in the cup and put it in the little hallway that connects the rooms. Who knows how long before housekeeping finds it?

ROOMMATE 4

Nah I don't think we should do that. There’s real people over there.

ROOMMATE 2

Real people?

ROOMMATE 4

Yea. I use that term with my friends if we’re like at a public place or something, like maybe a restaurant, I’m like ‘Guys, calm down. There’s real people here.’

ROOMMATE 2

That’s great.

ROOMMATE 1

I’m gonna start using that one.

[ROOMMATE 3 exits the bathroom]

ROOMMATE 1

[Walking into bathroom, toothbrush still in mouth] PHINALLY!

ROOMMATE 3

What’s his deal?

ROOMMATE 1

[Calmly, from the bathroom] I’VE BEEN BRUSHING MY TEETH [slightly less calmly, exiting the bathroom] FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES!

[ROOMMATES 2-4 cackle with laughter]

ROOMMATE 3

[Through laughter] Why?

ROOMMATE 1

Because I forgot you were in there taking your sweet, sweet time.

ROOMMATE 3

How is your mouth not burning?

ROOMMATE 1

Don’t worry, it is.

[ROOMMATES 2 showers. Once ROOMMATE 2 is finished, ROOMMATE 4 showers. ROOMMATES 2-4 brush their teeth.]

ROOMMATE 3

What time are we setting our alarms for boys?

[ROOMMATE 4 takes some sheets and pillows from the far bed. ROOMMATES 1 AND 2 lay in their pre-designated sleeping locations.]

ROOMMATE 3

I think I’ll sleep in a bed tonight.

ROOMMATE 1

[Scoots to the right side of the bed] Help yourself.

ROOMMATE 3

[Gets into bed] Thanks. [Pointing at ROOMMATE 2’s extra pillows] Can I get some of those?

ROOMMATE 2

[Handing him the pillows and a blanket] Sure.

ROOMMATE 3

Thanks. [To ROOMMATE 1] I’ll be above this bottom sheet if you wanna be below it, because I am a snuggler.

ROOMMATE 1

[With a hint of sarcasm] Oh boy.

ROOMMATE 4

Goodnight gentlemen.

ROOMMATE 1

Bro, how are you not like super jet-lagged.

ROOMMATE 4

Because I had to catch a flight at three a.m. pacific time, so by the time it was ten here I was ready to go to bed.

ROOMMATE 1

[Sincerely] That’s smart.

[ROOMMATES sleep]

[Slightly past midnight]

[ROOMMATE 1 wakes up. ROOMMATE 3’s arm is across his neck. He stretches a little bit until he feels ROOMMATE 3’s leg. He moves the arm off of him, gets up and goes to the bathroom. He re-enters the room and gets into the little space left on the bed.]

[Day 3]

[Morning]

[A plethora of alarms go off, as the ROOMMATES set their phone alarms for the same time. They wake up and scramble to turn them off. The alarm clock goes off, as it is a bit slow. ROOMMATE 2 slams his hand down to turn it off.]

ROOMMATE 2

[Slightly delirious] That was a great idea.

ROOMMATE 3

Yea, right?

ROOMMATE 2

Like, not only did it work, but we’re all like actually awake. Like, more than we would be from a single alarm.

ROOMMATE 1

[Gets up, heads toward bathroom.] Anyone wanna use the bathroom now or can I shower?

ROOMMATE 4

Go ahead.

ROOMMATE 1

[To ROOMMATE 3] By the way, you were right.

ROOMMATE 3

[Stretching] Oh, shoot. How right?

ROOMMATE 1

Well I woke up at two a.m. to go to the bathroom and you were spooning me and your arm was around my neck.

[Other ROOMMATES laugh, ROOMMATE 1 showers.]

[ROOMMATES get ready. ROOMMATE 1 opens the fridge and takes out the milk.]

ROOMMATE 1

Anyone want some milk?

ROOMMATE 2

Sure.

ROOMMATE 1

[Sets the jug on the counter. Milk jug goes CLUNK upon impact.]

Oh shoot, don’t tell me.

[Unscrews cap, it pops as it starts to come off. He taps the block of milk. It’s frozen solid, all the way up to where the cap was.]

I guess I put it too close to the freezer.

[He takes out the cream soda, which is also frozen.]

This is scaring me. Like I can’t even open this, or else it’s gonna burst.

[He puts the former liquids back in the fridge, this time on the bottom shelf. He also turned the dial in the fridge to try and raise the temperature to work. All ROOMMATES leave, come back, brush teeth, and leave again.]

[Evening]

[ROOMMATES 1 AND 2 return, then leave.]

[ROOMMATES 3 AND 4 return, they each have a giant sloth plush. They set the plushes on their respective bags and both leave.]

[ALL ROOMMATES return, take off windbreakers]

ROOMMATE 2

Where in the world did y’all get those?

ROOMMATE 4

Dude! You know that one Ohio chick?

ROOMMATE 1

The annoying one with the glasses?

ROOMMATE 4

The annoying one without the glasses.

ROOMMATE 1

Uh… [Trails off] Oh yea.

ROOMMATE 4

Well, she says that her grandma is the near-CEO of Sherwin-Williams, and she has like a stupid amount of money.

ROOMMATE 1

That’s crazy.

ROOMMATE 4

So she like buys these things [gesturing toward the sloths], which were worth like three thousand tickets.

ROOMMATE 2

How much are tickets worth?

ROOMMATE 3

You can get like a hundred for a dollar.

ROOMMATE 1

So thats like sixty bucks for the two of those?

ROOMMATE 4

[Noticeably thinking] Yea, that checks out.

ROOMMATE 2

So, how did y’all like the seminar?

ROOMMATE 1

I mean, it was very interesting. I was expecting to sleep through it.

ROOMMATE 3

Did any of you actually send that I appreciate you text that he was talking about?

ROOMMATES 2&4

Nope.

ROOMMATE 1

I did actually.

[ROOMMATE 2 walks over to phone.]

ROOMMATE 3

Yea, like you can’t just send that to someone with no context, they’ll worry about you.

ROOMMATE 1

Yea, I tried to make mine sound as not-suicide-note-y as possible.

ROOMMATE 4

[Sits on bed, picks up phone, dials room service.]

This is room four seventy five, could we get another towel again?

Thanks. Buh-bye.

ROOMMATE 3

Buh-bye?

[ROOMMATE 4 laughs]

ROOMMATE 3

[Grabs his windbreaker and takes a small spray bottle out of his bag] These windbreakers are getting kinda smelly. [He spritzes the windbreaker.]

ROOMMATE 1

Is that cologne?

ROOMMATE 3

Yessir.

ROOMMATE 4

That’s really smart. Can I use some?

[ROOMMATE 1 takes the mostly frozen cream soda out of the fridge.]

ROOMMATE 3

Absolutely!

ROOMMATE 4

Awesome. [He uses it.]

ROOMMATE 3

You two are welcome to use it too, if you want.

[ROOMMATES 1&2 both spray their windbreakers.]

ROOMMATE 1

Thanks man.

[ROOMMATES 2-4 shower (one by one), then brush their teeth and get in their sleeping arrangements]

[ROOMMATE 3 uses his sloth as a divider between him and ROOMMATE 1, and ROOMMATE 1 would do his best to drink the slightly melted cream soda, which was mostly just sugar water at that point. There was no more snuggling. By night three the ROOMMATES felt like a family, and had all forgotten that they had to go back to their hometowns. The milk would take four days before completely thawing, but it was no good by that point. ROOMMATE 3 left on night the sixth night, and ROOMMATES 1 AND 4 switched places with each other, with ROOMMATE 1 sleeping on the floor. ROOMMATE 1 had to catch a 4:00 am shuttle the next morning, and was unable to say goodbye, as ROOMMATES 2 AND 4 were still sleeping ROOMMATES 2 AND 4 went their separate ways that afternoon. THE ROOMMATES never saw each other again.]