A paper child,
A golden knife,
A bottle of whiskey,
And built up strife.
A lost child.
An evil friend.
A wife of pot,
Playing pretend.
A hurt child.
An abusive sister.
An uncaring mother.
Without a real father.
Sleep won’t come,
And neither will death.
Your friend,
She comes up and she says
  This will cure your pain.
  Come with me.
  I’ll show you the way.
  What would you say?
  A discovered teen,
  A bottle of medicine,
  A physiatrist,
  And a doctor;
  Are your near best friends.
  A paper teen,
  Floating in the wind.
  Judged by deeds,
  She did only to pretend.
  Pretend she was happy,
  Pretend someone cared,
  No one hears her out,
  They all leave her in the end.
  They see a druggie, a whore, a smoker, a loner,
  But I, I see potential,
  Potential to see and dance and dream and fly.
  I see a star waiting to shine.
 

I’m sorry. I’m just, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I dated Joseph. I’m sorry I let your puny insults make me flip out. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I don’t talk to you anymore. I’m sorry I was so oblivious. I’m sorry I was scared and nervous. I’m sorry I avoided you, and I’m sorry I ran and hid. I’m sorry; you have no idea how sorry I am, my sorriest could fill the seven world oceans seven fold. Just don’t give up on me and I know you won’t be disappointed. God please tell Matthew like him and not to give up on me.  Please please let him hold on till Monday. Patricia told me you liked me and you promised her you would ask me out as soon as possible. This scares me I don’t want to mess this up. “So here you are again so let’s skip the how you been and get down to the more than friends at last.” – Train. I need to stop this, stop crying , stop texting , stop writing, stop listing to love songs just ugh.I need to stop this. It’s really making me upset. More upset than it should be making me. “I’m so obsessed my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.” That’s how I feel. I feel nauseas and have since I left orientation and relieved I hadn’t spoke to him. I’m pathetic. I always promised myself I’d never lie to him. Never held back a thought, never hide my dreams, if he’d only hold me in his arms I’d give anything. We would talk and I would lay my head on his shoulder. Why am I crying over something that is my fault??????? I hate it cause I was avoiding him, it must seem like I hate him but I don’t hate him cause I love him, “I’ll love you long after your gone”- Phillip Phillips
………….
Black, Matthew’s eyes are black. In every picture I see of him he looks happy. Actually he always looks happy. Weird. All my entrees so far come back to one thought, Matthew no matter where they start. God please don’t let Matthew ever read this.
……………
Screw you Maertha! I was actually doing okay and I came to the library and leave extremely mad. I literally just washed my arm clean of blood and permanent marker. I hate how I’m in high school and she’s in middle school and she treats me like a little kid. I hadn’t cut in five days and now thanks to her I have. She wrote Matthew on my arm in permanmt marker and I just couldn’t take it. I scratched it off and I swear if she scarred his name in my arm I will kill her. She’s like are you okay and I’m like yeah sure whatever. I’m so sick of being like I’m okay , I’m fine . To be truth ally honest I’m not okay, I’m depressed, suicidal, and insane, I’m falling to pieces. Hearts really don’t break even. On the brighter side she said everyone though I knew Matthew liked me already, but I HAD NO IDEA! Ugh she recrossed my wires. I’m hungry... but what’s new I have a headache. Everything is upside down. Everything you thought you would be is the opposite of what you are, the boy you loved for 10 years bullied you and the boy you thought hated you is in love with you, and you can’t tell anyone because if you do they might kill you. I’m so hungry but if I eat know I might not be able t eat for 14 hours and sure DC I went an entire week but I mean... ugh stupid voices in my head. “You’re my back bone, you’re my quarter stone, you’re the pulse that I’ve always needed, like a drum baby don’t stop beating. “” Baby I’m not moving on I’ll love you long after you’re gone.” I will never move on this will never go away. If he’s given up on me I’ve lost my breath and I’ve lost my soul. Without him I am sick, I can’t begin to describe how he changes me. He brings out the best of me, he brings out the fact that me is still there. When he looks at me we have this instinct connection and I know no one can hurt me with him by my side. I’ll have a heart attack without him, and I almost have. I spend hours doodling our names on the paper that which has no lines and dreaming about his lips on mine. All  those years I was too scared to make a move but I would wait a thousand suns for him , there is nothing he could say or do that would make my heart be able to move past him . He is my true love even if I am not his and therefore I will love him when I am old and grey, when he is married and has seven perfect kids, with the same perfectly placed hair. I will love him when I no longer have eyes to see him because my vision is filled with tears because he did not love me , fore I do not love him only physically but I love him because he contradicts me in the perfect ways and he’s what I need to help me continue breathing every single day. The thought of him gets me through each and every day. I never want to be without him. Maybe this is wrong, but I don’t want a second with my hand out of his. That’s why I’m so scared that he might have given up on me. I won’t live without him. I know that’s insane but that’s what it is. He’s the only one who’s ever been able to knock down my wall, see through my mask and he’s the only person who will ever be able to even if at times it was through deceit. That’s what it takes with me. He knows how to work me and bend me to his will and no one else seems to care enough to bend me. He’s the only person I can ever imagine dating, and the only person I will ever truly love for a long story short. He knows a world of my secrets and he knows how special I feel when I listen to him for just hearing him talk is like owning the wind.  Yesterday he looked handsome with his sleek backed hair and his shirt of many guitars. He’s had that shirt since the 6th grade.
………..
I can’t be in a relationship; just I’m not good at them. I put up a wall with whoever I’m with and I make sure they don’t know me and can’t hurt me. I avoid them. I tell them as little as possible. Matthew... we weren’t close friends but he was always there especially in 7th grade but whatever. So I have to act surprised because I’m not surprised to know. I hope Patricia isn’t pulling some cruel, horrid prank that will cause me to lose Matthew in the process, I pray he really is asking me out that day … that day so soon…..If this is all a lie  than I’ll die in the words she said .. I’ll die buried in a broken hearts blood gushing in El Nino pattern streams.
…
I realized my worst fear this morning I gained 2 pounds. I will not stop eating again though I just... I remind myself only I define me. Could fourteen year old boy be enough to bring me a world of happiness? Just his smile seems to be. Just the thought of it. He’s never afraid to be himself and that’s one of my favorite things about him.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
  Well Israel was no help, no one was. I still feel sick to my stomach. I thought seeing him would make everything fall into place but it just wasn’t him. What put doubts in my mind? Was it everyone who was there because their variances didn’t go through? They were all treating me like a different person. All Celesite wants to talk about is Jack and all I want to talk about is how depressed I am. So why was I so scared to talk to Matthew??? Why should things be any different than they were few short months ago?? “I never want to be without you, oh no here you go now you know, how I feel about you, there’s no running. Must have been wrong about you!” I need you to tell me, maybe this is wrong, but if it is I need you to tell me. I really can’t believe I am saying any of this but I truly with the dawns of time in my hands believe I could see a future with him. I know that’s insane but he’s the only one who’s ever been able to knock down my walls and see through my mask and actually get me to talk to him. He’s the only guy I have ever imagined myself kissing , I used to have to hold back every day on the bus in 7th grade when I was dating his best friend and that’s awful; but I loved him , and I hate that. We clashed like the stars and the sun always arguing about the shone brighter but beneath that was a fire burning brighter that he was always unable to see. Please don’t give up on me Matthew, please. He’s cute and smart and funny and just he’s everything I wish I could be. When he looks at me and our eyes meet it feels like were the only two people in the world, not the universe. Yesterday he looked nice; extremely pale with a red face and gelled back hair but no overalls. He had on the guitar t shirt he’s had since like 6th grade and the black converse I have never seen him without with the white circle on the left side.  I guess it would be helpful to explain what happened yesterday. “At the end I want to be standing at the begging with you.” So yesterday. I’m so tired so forgive me if I make no sense. So I am in the parking lot of the high school and so is Matthew he sees me but stays in his car. He gets out but I stay in mine and Rosaline shows up. We walk into the gym and receive name tags and sit down. She sits us right behind Matthew and all his friends from OURMIDDLE SCHOOL! We get separated; some girl tells me I look like Taylor swift.  Matthew sees me and smiles I smile back and turn away relying my mistake. After lunch we went exploring and I got lost and I ran up the stairs with Matthew and his friend behind me hoping to god he didn’t say hello because I wasn’t ready to say what I needed to say. Than it was over I went home with Rosaline and got my sparkles stolen and he was out of my hands, and I will never forgive myself for it. “It will be fine if you talk to him”. “Just take a deep breath say I’m a bad and go talk to him.” “Yeah it’s insane how some things turn out but seriously do you love him?” And that was the end of our conversation me and Jerelesa. I didn’t sleep I will die before I forgive myself for avoiding him. Just, can he blame me??? I thought he hated me and just out of the blew in the middle of swimming oh by the way bin Tallahassee Matthew told me he likes you , how could I not be overwhelmed??? I have to get used to the idea so here it goes ; Matthew likes me , I like him , I will talk to him, Matthew likes me , I like him, I will talk to him . I don’t want him to think I have too much baggage to be a reliable girlfriend. Just okay in 7th grade you treated me like crap. THAT’S WHY I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME GENUIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m honestly worried this is just a joke that she’s just messing with my head and made everything up. I think that would kill me. “You could crush me but please don’t crush me.” Mayday parade I swear this time I mean it.
I relieved my worst fear this morning I gained 2 pounds in five days and I think I know why. Since summer started instead of eating 300 calories a day I have been eating over a thousand and only working out eight hours a day. When it comes to my weight I don’t want to be triple digits but I will not stop eating again because I don’t want to die. Your weight doesn’t define you, who you are defines you. I walk out of my room and my grandmother says there’s ice-cream in the fridge if you want any I go to look 140 calories I have already had 860 calories today. If I eat that I would be societies little good girl. The voices in my head screams out is doing exactly what they wanted so I walk back into my room and lock the door. This voice I hate it. This voice is a part of me no one ever needs to see, NOONE. This part of me is the part that considers suicide and cutting and occasionally it becomes me. This is why I am so scared to date anyone how can I protect them from me? I care more about how my death will affect Matthew than I do about living. I will live for him. I can’t get Matthew off my mind, I hope he can’t get me off of his either. I wonder what he’s doing this summer. Celestice always asks me why he wore overalls and I may never know. But I love how he’s never afraid to be himself; I wish I could be more like that.” I am not in reality right now I am on this sheet of paper daydreaming about Matthew and looking at old yearbooks from middle school.
Maybe I let others control what I do too much. I mean my worries, my anxieties, my fears never start with me the always start with my mother s social pressure. How do I change that? I really want some food but I have already had 450 calories today and I know I am a total pig and really should make myself throw up but I can’t. How can I fix this on my own? My stomach hurts, my palms are blue the veins in my wrists are pumping blood like a water pump pumps water, and my body aches but I can’t stand up. I love gum it stops hunger for zero calories if you chew it long enough.
……………………………………………………………………………..
So yesterday she texts me at 7:30 in the morning and tells me to come over. I go to wake up my mother and she’s ticked at me for no reason. I get to her house around 8 and then the day just keeps getting worse. I tick her off and Rosaline and her hand than Samantha texts me saying she told her I wasn’t eating, but oh well life goes on right?
Our church has a missionary that is witnesses about his ministry in prostitution rings... I honor missionaries just like I honor the soldiers. I want to be a missionary but not in the same way. I want to be a singer who preaches before every concert and saves people back stage. I didn’t talk to Matthew in 6th period because my inner demons decided to scream at me to lose sixty pounds in the next sixty days and maybe than he would love you. They were everywhere on every wall and just I hate that class. I really wish he’d go ahead and ask me out like he promised he would do.

Prologue to chapter 2
What is a song unsung?
Can it be sweet like honey?
Can it tip the scales that soak up the sun?
Can it call in agony cautions unsung?
Demons unlocked and rung?
What is a song unsung?

I really want to step on the scale tomorrow but I’m terrified of what it’ll say. I won’t get on. I must keep my mind off this by copying down texts or this before school I was sitting alone and Rosaline shows up and says why are you smiling? I say I am in a good mood and she says lovely. I go to read a book and she snatches it and says of course you would read that. I’m still in a good mood though Matthew had me shake his hand today. Jerlesa texted me saying did Matthew ask you out yet?!?!? I wish I didn’t have to reply with a no.
August 23rd (or around there)
My life’s so screwed up. I’m crying on the floor because I saw my reflection. Is it possible to live like this forever? Can I? Yesterday I could see m shoulder blade today I can’t, but it’s too late to throw up. My emotions change so rapidly.

5 lives by VE
Is breathing possible underwater?
The weight of the world drowning me?
I act shy,
I refuse to speak,
But that’s not me.
Everyone’s trying to change me
At church I’m sinless free;
They want me to be a missionary,
But that’s not me.
That isn’t what I want to be.
I’m living five different lives,
Battling inside of me.
I’m me when I’m not me.
I write music and recite poetry.
I cry tears,
And do celigrophay.
I live five different lives,
But when I lose me I become me.
  My biggest by VE
My ex,
He was cemented,
Stuck in one place for an eternity.
I never cared about him,
And he never cared about me.
My biggest crush,
He hated me.
Ten years and he never noticed me.
My first and only love.
He’s afraid of love,
Just like me.
My biggest regret,
I’ve let the world mold me.
My biggest fear,
I swear the world is watching me.

Never be me by VE
I would say I’m sorry,
But I already have.
I would try,
But I’ve done all that I can.
   Escape from furnace – a poem based on the escape from furnace series by VE
A prison,
A home.
They take you away,
And change what you know.
They lock you in holes.
They bend your own rules.
Yet I wish I was there,
Not surrounded by exploding mines.
I’d rather be left in a hole, in the dirt,
Alone. ……-
A prison.
A forever home.
Must be nice to be unknown.
My life’s a prison,
“Don’t make the mistake,
Of brining your heart in here with you,
They’ll see it,
And it will get you both killed.”
Isn’t that the truth?
People only seek to kill you.
I wouldn’t bother to escape.
It’s better than here,
Lost in the pages,
A prison of internal despair.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
As I’ve said you don’t need to know my name, you don’t need to know what I look like, to know who I am. I’ll be honest I’ve never done drugs, I’ve never had sex but I promise you I’m not innocent. I’ve starved, I’ve cut, and I know how to clean dry blood off my nails. I’ve wrote in my own blood. Don’t think I’m this nice girl hurt by societies body image philosophies I was always insane. I have anorexia, S.A.D, depression, O.C.D., bipolar disorder, etc. I’m out of my mind and don’t you forget it.
It’s 2:19 am but I’m not tired, if you go to school with me…. Cheers you know an obese elephant.
9-28 7:18
Matthew’s probably laughing with Joseph like ha that actually fell for it; she thinks I care her when in fact I hope she drops dead, that fat freak.
  October 5th 11:27
I’m at Macy’s. She’s asleep. I told her the truth. I’m so fat 121.1 pounds. Numbers are a stupid way to idea, but even still kill me I’m a loser.
  10-7
Maretha told me a story. She had Chinese with Matthew, walked by his desk and saw my name on his paper. If that’s true why hasn’t he asked me out!!!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prologue to chapter 4 
What is a song unsung?
Can one such song full seven genres?
As one soul fills seven tears?
As each tier conflicts the other?
Can a drum of a feeling red, flesh
Play equal to the keys of wires not yet crossed?
Only played by synthetic hope dots.
Can a guitar play the beat of a banjo?
And not be hung for fraud?>
Our selves’ fragility to god? 

So 1st period everyone eats doughnuts. I ended up sitting in front of Alex who is extremely funny and managed a few words out of me. I walk into lab and Sally says whoa look at her. I turn and say what she said I looked nice. Rosaline had me stand up and I saw Matthew looking at me. I wanted so badly to scream stop gawking and come ask me out. Ms Rolly told me she didn’t know who the lucky guy was but he sure was lucky, I wish he would relieve it.
   A blood red and navy blue floor
A blood red and nave blue floor.
A deadly harvest.
A silent door.
An empty inbox.
An untouched guitar.
A broken radio,
And a broken heard.
A faded blanket.
A lifeless pen.
A still wall.
A murderous wind.
An antique dresser,
Covered in dust,
And filled with sin.
An old pair of expensive boots,
Left for all eternities to come.
A once white ceiling,
A once vibrant painting.
A blood red and navy blue floor,
Await the silence of the closing door.
October 13th
It didn’t work. I’m still here. They didn’t see me, I can sit alone. Cause I don’t want to be here. The pills were supposed to kill me, but they didn’t. Ugh stupid life I have nothing to lose. They say I’ll be okay but I won’t I pray there’s still a chance they could kill me. I’m NOT okay.
The next day
Well pills are out. I can’t starve to death. There’s always hanging but it’s just too easy to save me. Poison but I’d have t o figure out where to buy posing. I could drink a bottle of bleach. That might work. God please help me to die. When I stand up let me have a seizure and die. Please lord I’m sorry I d stupid this forgive me by stripling me dead like owl!! Please this pain is unbearable or I’ll pull out a gun and shoot myself. All I want is to die. Death is so much simpler than life. “There’s nothing to lose my notebook will explain.” Billy Talent.
10/23
I saw Matthew in the hallway and just the look he gave me made me feel like an alien. I stick out like a sore thumb, did he finally see through all my lies and decided I wasn’t worth his time? So I just made a plan to punish myself for losing him. I tied a rubber band really tight around my wrist and half way through sixth period my hand was like all purple and numb. The pain was perfect.
   Untitled
Nose deep in plush cloth,
Breathe in the fumes of who you long to see.
Cigarette smoke and cheap cologne,
Remnants of the unknown.
A touch of peppermint and vanilla cream.
Look hard enough into the eyes
You’ll see the soul of those you need to be near,
You’ll see every forgotten year.
And you’ll shed one bloody tear.

   Untitled
I am an alien,
Alone in this place.
This place you call “High school”,
I just fade away.
He’ll never again utter my name.
Make up can’t hide the green forever, 

Chapter 6 prologue
No song shall go unsung,
Every unsung song kills a defenseless dove.
Even hard melodies,
Can save what’s mistaken for dead.
But not yet gone.

Chapter 6 October part 2
I’m freezing yet I feel like I am about to pass out. I had to take an extra flight of stairs to avoid Matthew. Why can’t we be friends?
D Why the heck are you still here you fat ugly freak?
M- You again
D – Heck yeah me again your days without me are nothing look at you
M – But
D shut up
M please
D your weak I feel it your walls are collapsing soon all you will be is me
M I can fix them
D with what what do you have left to hold unto?
Mrs. B put these on my writing today
“Dear Victoria, I am not sure if this is curiosity or nonsense. Do you write as a journal or are you writing a story or a novel? You are usually pretty quiet; does your writing indicate you have a lot to say but don’t want to say what you’re thinking face to face? “
“Interesting. I think the not liking people thing is true of some very good writers. But, hey, were not all bad!  ”

Prologue to chapter seven
What wilt thou think of me?
When I, being a ripe yearning cease to be?
Wilt thou love last for an eternity?
Even though they will open me and find my key.

Chapter 7
11/4/13
I’m not afraid of the dark,
And neither are you.
What you do in the dark,
Is up to you.
The light displays you,
It accents your every flaw.
I wish I could turn off the sun
, and slowly drift away.
Into blackness...
Into nothingness….
Sing to me while I decay.
I’m not afraid of the dark,
My devils live there.
They love me, and offer their hands to my despair.
Grinning faces and joyous seventh eyes
They call me to the other side.

What would everyone think if they saw that? Would I still be considered innocent and sweet? What’s that look I get; I see it from the side. Did you finally figure out I was crazy? A cat swimming in a sea of pirahanas? The odd ball out. A needle in a haystack. One in a million, more like worthless trash with tigers biting at my heals. Sharks snapping at my twigs considered bones. The bubbles I left will eventually pop and the oxygen will be released, but I breathe co2. Who will remember poor little old me? The tears I wept, the trash I swept, they’ll soon forget. Little miss ugly, what was her name? Little miss shy nobody?
11/5/13
“No one cares about you, they all want you dead.”
“Really my mom and dad and grandma and Rosaline and celestice and even Matthew to some extent love me there not cannibals like you. “
“This won’t work your mother thinks your worthless your grandma thinks you’re a whore your dad abandoned you Rosaline thinks you’re a pity friend and celestice would ditch you at the drop of a hat if she knew the truth. They like the FAKE you “.
“Crap that’s all true, crap none of that’s a lie”.
“Told you I’m always right.”
“Not always.”
“Always”
“Never”
“Always.”
“You’re evil to the bone. Sinister and conniving.”
“But I control you.”
“No you don’t”
“Yes I do”
“No I control myself.”
“And you just happen to like my ideas?!?”
“No your ideas will kill me”
“You want to hear a new one?”
“No”
“Go jump off a bridge.”
“Go back to hell.”
“I’m still in it.”
“All of you”
“My souls stuck”
“Lies”
“Just curse”
“Go back to where you came from and maybe I will”
“You need me”
“No I don’t”
“You have no spine, I control you.”
“I’m nice”
“You’re a jerk”
“Evil demon”
“Hey my names Phil”
“What the heck”
“Human mother “
“Who’s your father?”
“Satan himself”
“Satan spawn”
“I’m the devils Jesus”.
“You will die”
“Already dead honey”
“Don’t call me honey”
“Than do what I say”
“Never, leave me alone”
“I rule the world respect me “
“Lies”
“Fine I’ll kill you.”
“Go ahead”
“See you want to die”
“Do not”
“Do too”
“You are so immature”
“So are you”
“No “
“Life is child’s play.”

11/6/13
I think I just had the best day of my life, ever! So I talked in first period and listened to music and I was the only one in class who understood arithmetic sequences. Than 2nd well l same. 3rd I played ten songs back to back completely sight singing. 4th I figured out why I wasn’t getting a’s. Lunch just wait till you hear this. So first I know two new people Sharron and Bill. I think they should date. So I talked to them about beef jerky and then I saw Matthew in the corner. So I went up and tapped him on the shoulder. He looked mad but he saw me and he smile. So I smiled than I said do you remember Larry from 7t grade and he said yeah. I said well him, celesteice , jerlesa on Sunday are going to see a movie and Celeste wanted me to ask you if you would like to join us. At that point I was horrendously shaking , he said yeah what movie I said catching fire and he said oh I already saw it sorry I said oh and he said yeah I went last night which is where I got this t-shirt I said doesn’t it premiere tonight and he said yeah I went to the early showing . I said isn’t that really expensive he says no it was only eight dollars, I said h that’s normal he said it followed the books really well and since you didn’t read the books I’ll spare you the details than he asked if I’d got the other furnace books I said no I won’t have time to read them till thanksgiving break. He said oh you’d really like it though I said the 2nds my favorite so far he asked if I’d read mind trap or some book series about abortions. Then I said okay I’ll leave you alone to your music now and he said oh ok like really sadly which mad e me smile. So I went to sit down and Kenneth came over and we were all trying you make swan origami and Matthew said hey I’m joining you guys and pulled over a chair. And he sat down and we were all laughing and trying to make paper swans and he said screw it and made a paper airplane which he threw across the library and the librarian yelled at him. So I asked bill and Sharron about the AP test and Matthew said can I see your report card? I said do you mean my progress report and he said yeah. I said I’m not showing it to my mom she’d kill me and he said why this is good. I said I hadn’t even shown her my report card because I had a b in aphg and he says I have a c in that class. He said so we had Mr. Likwas class with Larry and I said yeah I hated that class. He said why and I said it was always loud and I wasn’t in the mood he said but we always learned a lot and it was easy and I said I’ll admit that was true. Then he said I have to go with my cousin to the office bye and he left. So apparently Kenneth is his cousin this might be beneficial to me. Do you think he likes me? I think he might. I don’t know what to do. I think I am just going to live in the moment and if the perfect opportunity comes ask him out. I guess that’s all for now try.

11/24/13
I’ve given up on my mother ever accepting who I am. I see the disappointment in her eyes. I’m supposed to be the perfect angel and no matter how hard I try nothings perfect. I’m never nice enough, I never do enough, and I’m never talented enough. MY grades are never high enough; I’m always subpar in her eyes. I’ll never be skinny enough but now that I am she tells me I’m worthless and when I was fat she told me I was worthless is that all I am to her , worthless?
11/25/13
I’m not fighting with you Rosaline I’m done with that. I won’t listen to you judge people so easily I’m not fighting you. I’ll be gone if it comes to that. I’m not going to stand here with my against the wall and watch you punch me and I will not fight you forever. I don’t judge people and I don’t believe in their choices but that doesn’t mean they are bad people. IT makes them people!!! I need to evangelize which means I want to see and talk to people I’m not afraid of gays I’ll listen to anyone but the minute you judge the person and not the opinions instead of sharing your views is when I walk away. I not only bear the weight of my sins but since you are my ministry I bear yours as well. So I cannot openly and happily watch you degrade people. You of all people should know better the nature of my heart. My hand is no longer my hand but god’s hand and my feet no longer my feet but god’s feet. Whoever god tells me to tell I shall, I’ll go where he tells me to go. I’ll travel the world and reach those whose hearts are scared. Those who weep shall smile when my stories heard as I speak for the one who I adore. My father, my only father, my holy father. We were created by tears and my tears are made of the atoms but who created the atoms? Scientists do not believe in magic well this isn’t magic what this is this: science is an explanation of creation; the proof is in the pudding so to say. You can deny faith but you can NO longer deny the existence of a god. Look k around you we have food and cars and computers and electricity. We are not mute and we can walk on two feet. We have the ability of free will and we can decide where we want to go within our own intrinsic abilities. We have a world of doors and everything we need to access them and I am not talking about money. Even hobos have food occasionally and a bench on which to rest their heads. A bench is as good as any bed when it’s all you need and you look at children in Africa without a home that are lying on the streets with flies in their eyes because they are deceased but not dead. I say these things for I am like you I am unworthy but have found grace despite it. I am loved eternally by only one and I’m not afraid to die, I welcome death with open arm slut while I’m here I will not watch you die eternally unloved, rotting in the devil. The demons run this world and this is not a schizophrenic statement but a godly one as these cannot be my words or their words but his. Am not his wise and never will be. These words hey no dirt from me I do not fight with athersistrs I share and listen and heal but id o not argues. I breathe and remain calm, I weep for those with closed minds but our hearts are open till we die, When were dead it’s too late to openly defy your father is to cause his ears and man. Jesus weeps for you and I pray. I pray seeds row and gardens thrive for me. Beautiful fields. Amen
 

If you can so easily ditch me we weren’t meant to be.
If you can’t talk to me,
Than our friendship shan’t be.
If you can’t see my potential,
Then you my friend aren’t a credential.
How I see it,
I have few eternal friends,
And few I wish to keep.
And those who stand by means as I leave,
These are the ones I keep.
The ones I refuse to let go.

Chapter nine
  I want to write something with depth. The depth of the loch nesses underwater caverns. So deep only those who experienced firsthand will ever know what hides beyond its locks. Seeming cal on the surface yet holding a blemish so huge that it is implausible to think no one has seen it for centuries. Like a preppy teenage girl. You know it is very possible under a coat of glued makeup there are pimples yet when her mother confiscates her makeup you stand there shocked and gasping. Her friend turns away even though they know them gold the same covert things. It’s kind of how reality works; at least in America, Everyone pretending to be what they aren’t and knowing everyone else is as well but calling those hypocrites when their true souls burst free shrieking from being caged so long. Expecting every girl to look………. To have tall thin legs and arms, no stomach, and long thick hair. To have perfect kin but pretend not to have on any makeup when in reality 50 % of Americans are obese and this number is increasing due to GM in the food and technological innovations. As we turn into a STAGE 4 COUNTRY ON THE DEMOGRPAHIC TRASITION MODEL. America is a country that itself is hypocritical founded on Christian customary rudiment yet publically allowing acts of adultery and sexuality to a point they have become customary to adolescents eyes. America is a paradox founded don both God and everyone right to practice their own religion. Doctors telling those who are corrupted by magazines that being fat is better than dying but either way you die. 20 percent of college students in America are bulimic, 10 percent are anorexic and 20 percent of each dies. This is a country where eating is glorified yet being obese is frowned upon and model and dancers are prostituted out and forced to starve and yet are later told how stupid and naïve trying to lose weight is. America is an impasse there is no way in or out. Sure there’s migration but physical movement can’t stop the mental turmoil hypocritical expectations caused you may say my thoughts are eccentric or that I’m “ over thinking” the situation but as I said unless you have been faced head on by demons and become one with rigors you will not comprehend the words I have been moved to say. We are a country that cannot understand school shooters. I hear people in my own household discuss how stupid and physcotic these people are. I first hand know 99 percent of these people weren’t born with a desire to kill the majority of them were bullied into… the only way to cope was to simply lose grip on reality. If nothing is real than you can finally stand up for what you believe, stand up and get… After being ostracized for years and trying with agonizing intensity to get someone to notice you the only way is to make your jester big. When no one will listen sometimes you just stop talking. When they won’t believe you or laugh in your face. We live in a society where people refuse to see what’s on the inside and this can cause dire consequences when even if they watch you being thrown to the ground they will still believe the richer one , the prettier one , the smarter bone and the other is left to cry out time and time again. A never ending spiraling enigma…….
   We live in a country in which money denies everything. When your friends ask to chill people respond I can’t I’m broke. What does money have to do with it?  We live in a society where it cost money to breathe and those with myriads have the potential to end up first broke because banks refuse to aspire with their dreams. We are supposed to live in a country of dreamers yet it feels like we live in a sack of potatoes the universe or simply our atmosphere being the truck driver. Yet as we use up plentiful finite resources we chip apart our tuck and when the truck is chipped apart we will be tied in a sack until one potato pulls out a knife stands and says enough is enough. We live in world were we are trying to make ever LDC an MDS yet we barley have enough money and resources to get around currently, At this rate our petroleum will last only 43 years if Sub Saharan Africa starts using cars than where does that leave us? Ten maybe 15 years? Can’t we just let them remain a stage 2 country? Just supply food and water and distribute it evenly across the country? I promise you at this rate our natural gas and petroleum reserves will be used up in at most 20 years and then well be left high and dry. Forced it turn into breathing machines seemingly.
  It seems as countries develop the less and less people seem to care about one another. It is said 95 percent of people don’t notice something’s wrong with someone until it’s too late. Every 18 seconds someone 18 years of age or younger kills them. Pause right there. Every 18 seconds. Why do we even live? Every MDC has therapists, physiologists, doctors, etc available to treat everything from itching to parasitic worms. Yet every 18 seconds an adolescent kills themselves? Suicide has gone up dramatically since America became independent from Britain in 1776. Child abuse has become more common as well. Originally everyone loved everyone and even those you looked at with disdain you watched their backs. Our ancestors look upon us weeping. As we grew and the population expanded love and amiability did not instead it was dispirited unevenly across the nation and few seem to remember how to care. Flipping the coin America completely overlooks the form of child abuse that is mental, In the Florida area child abuse regulations state mental abuse can only be looked into if the adolescent attempts suicide or it is filmed or recorded. We live in a society where parents feel in order to parent you must be heartless and cruel.
  The majority of our generation youth are one of two religions atheist or Christian. Many that claim to be Christians are no better than those who claim to be atheists. We live in a society where dating is looked down upon by parents without condoms. Were without a hug or a kiss it isn’t enough. A society where words where words aren’t enough, where words mean nothing and aren’t taken seriously. Walking through American eagle I saw the cutest pink top but as I approached it said heroine in big blue letters and underneath was a pair of ripped daisy dukes and spiked high tops. I think this perfectly defines Americas youth even those most innocent from far away may be posing up close. Like In the hunger games a seemingly innocent fog turns out to be a poisonous gas which causes agonizing welts simply by touching it.
  I live in an area where often it is humid and raining. The sky is often a dark, gray, and clouds infested one. Yet rain never seems to bore us it never becomes blatant. We always stare out our windows and watch the rain drops run down stained glass. I, unlike others, enjoy sitting in the rain. To me it represents god crying begging us to change our ways and I wish t weep with him. They tell me I’m too young to really contemplate how society works but in my 14 years I have seen and heard a lifetimes worth of things. WE all seem to be god’s dartboard and those who have the least faith seemingly rarely get hit but when they do the points are all lost and more so. The dart falls off the board all together.
  An interesting interjection Beethoven. Believed to be one of the greatest composers of all times but I bet you have no idea he was a horrible man. Both he and his father and his mother and his piano teachers were alcoholics. After his concertos he would often laugh at the people who were crying from his playing and call them fools. He was extremely stubborn and overconfident yet extremely under confident causing him to lash out in bough’s of anger. He may have been bipolar. No composer or musician wanted to work with him his own nephew ran away from him and then attempted suicide et go back to his mother’s home. No one wished to marry him and as he began going death he rarely bathed or brushed his hair. He preferred to be alone with nature and sheet music than be in front of large crowds.
America is a country all about me, my, and mine.  We have lower taxes than any MDC yet we complain about paying them and ask why our health care is so much more expensive than Canada and Europe’s. Not only on an economic scale but on a local scale those who try the hardest reap the least. The only countries in which minorities are so self centered colleges are forced t turn away smarter white individuals to allow not as smart minorities in. Blacks have had equal rights since the 1960’; s America even has a black president yet clacks when ousted for a job sometimes still contact the local news channels. The only MDC in which women’s representation in the government is so minimal its barley exists.
Were prejudices rage as we see it in our very youth with statements such as “Your to white”, or “I can’t hit you you’re a girl” or “Once you go black you never go back”. We are the kitchen sink and everything else yet we are the only MDC I which prejudice reigns and the prejudices are thought to be beneficial. Such as all Asians are smart o they all have small squinting eyes. Other countries bow their heads in shame when they look at America.
America is where the majority of immigrants migrate to searching for the “American Dream” only to realize this American dream concept has been immolated since the industrial revolution. As our country was urbanized each citizen either grew or shrank leaving many Americans to wither under corporate greed. We ship essential jobs off shore because it is cheaper and do so claiming good intentions and this was fine until we relieved we have an increasing population meaning we need more jobs to sustain us. All our nation’s food and money is not given to that in need but to those who can buy it with Walt h, fame and charisma. In other countries he king , president , lord or whatever thou whilst call it gets the highest power look at it this way- Justin Biber makes more money than the president. Many kinds love famous pop stars but can’t tell you when the president was immigrated (2012 just in case you were wondering).
America’s government is covert and this forms many conspiracy theories among our nation and America itself. How have we survived? We intrude in foreign affairs and have been involved in more ways than any other country. This is especially affecting us on a local level. Educational centers are turning into trash dumps and teachers are complaining TO THEI STUDENTS about money deficits when they make more than the majority of their student shiearchial lines.
So real statistics and this is so screwed up in America we have 161 million Christians and 30 million atheists the two highest ranking religions.
We live in society where if you have any emotions you’re an attention whore and if you hide them your cold and flippant, We live in a society where what you do in your room should stay in your room and what you say in your head should stay in your heard. We live in a society completely ignorant thinking these things.
  So I want to bring up a concept. I believe in god. God’s word says he knows our end and our begging’s so therefore we have no choices. So therefore we have made them and signed on the dotted line. If you read this and don’t believe in god you will when it’s finished. I try to avoid personal stories but in this case I must. Multiple reasons the first you may conjecture to but the second theory you cannot, so the big bang theory okay yeah but where did the atom that blew up come from? And there you have it. The second  reason is more personal when I was 14 years old I tried to kill myself and hoped  to die . I took 50 pills and I was just praying I wouldn’t make it through the day. That was the day I asked god onto my heart and despite barley taking medicine my entire life and suddenly taking myriads I am still here before you to tell you my story. If that isn’t a miracle than what is? No matter where you come from where you’ve been remember you’re still here maybe even though you ought to be . Doesn’t that mean something?

“ If it felt so bad to you than why’d you want to put them through what hurt you? “ – Are you happy now Megan and Liz clean edit
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11-21-13
I can’t tell anyone this stuff , they’ll use it against me and exile me. They’ll judge me , they all will.

MY QUOTES
“ Proving to the world it was wrong.”
“ You have this thing called a life it is only you that gets to live it and you only get to live it once.”
“ Trying hard to fight these tears I’m crazy worried.”
“ A book can’t decide who it wants to be with.”
“ I know you’re trying to hide but there are something’s you can’t hide forever.”
“ You’ll be okay , you’ll be strong , you’ll be free , and you’ll be beautiful.”
“ Today you are you this is truer than true no one has ever been more you.”
“ I may not be where I intended to go but I think I ended up where I needed to be .”
“ Finish each day and be done with it.”
“ Exercise doesn’t determine health neither does weight or food consumption, or dress size. Health is enjoying life to the fullest with  just a pinch of stress.”
“ I don’t know where to go whets this life mean I want my own dreams so bad I’m going to scream.”
“ There is no guarantee that this life is easy.”
“ Don’t you worry your pretty little mind people throw rocks at things that shine.”
“ Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies sometimes its compromise.”
“ Everybody loses it.”
“ Keep your head up.”
“ Change the voices in your head.”
“ RIP to the girl I used to see.”
“ No one even knew it was really only you.”
“ So afraid to love I hate instead.”
“ So what do we do ? Anything. Something. So long as we just don’t sit there. If we screw up , start over. If we wait till were satisfied with uncertainties it will be too late.”
“ She was scared about leaving everything but I also knew you can’t live in a  new place till you say ( forget ) you to the old . “
“ It was broke , it was haunted . Just like her, but it had bones and it had memories and it had the ability to be something strong again just like her.”
“ I’m selfish , impatient , and insecure but if you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best.”
“ I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”
“ Happiness is not something you postpone for the future, it is something you design for the present.”
“ Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go they merely determine where you start.”
“ When all you got to keep is strong move alone .”
“ Two things are infinite the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe.”
“ Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The pegs in square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. They have n respect for the status quo. They change things and while some may see them as the crazy one we see them as the genius ones. “
“ Those who walk in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, and they will walk and not be faint. “- Isaiah 40:31
“ Is there a right way for being strong feels like I’m doing things all wrong.”
“ A piano can’t decide who it wants to be with so she plays. “
“ The music’s embedded in her soul.”
“ First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then you win.”
“ Do not pray for an easier life pray for the strength to  endure a difficult one.”
“ Be so good they can’t ignore you.”
“ I have a big bat and now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”

What is a song unsung?
  What is that of a tear unborn?
  Can the sheer thought burn?
  Of a tear uncried?
  What is a song unsung?
  A sung song can change that which was done,
  It can prevent the fires of a future generation’s rigor,
  If every lion heard the song of a mauled will beast,
  Their hearts would surely weep,
  But what is a song unsung? 

After reviewing my work Rosaline left me a note. I went to the third floor and broke down reading it. It may not end up being read if she wouldn’t allow it but I will place it here for I feel it is important for you to know the context of where the next chapters go. It’s important you know the real Rosaline not the one expressed in some of her actions and occasional harsh words the one who has more passion than I could dream of and more kindness in her little finger than in my entire body. It’s important for you to know that indirect characterization can prove wrong with outside circumstance.
   “ I like the way you write my name. Something about it remind me of being young. When you write in cursive it looks like my great grandmothers. When she was in school they forced them to have perfect writing. It was actually Nazi Germany. She always complains about my handwriting and says my cursive sucks. It’s just a bunch of scribbles. I don’t know it remind me of all that I guess. Honestly I don’t know what to say here or if I should. There’s a fifty fifty chance I’ll tear this out. 
   That day by the river I was in a bad mood too. After you left to walk around I sobbed. I can barely remember why I was so said I just remember being empty. I looked in some of my old things and you were complaining about Matthew. I was upset because I felt like no one would ever want me in that innocent way. After you left it did cry. I was wearing a lot of dark make up that day. I felt empty and worthless. In the end she ended up not caring about me either.
   After Callas died I cried for a few days. My eyeliner burnt my eyes. I have a thing dedicated to him on my wall. For weeks Alice would leave the room at random points crying. The teachers let her. 
   In the hallway I’m sorry I never noticed you I had just run from Eckel and Shat and I was thinking about Sebastian . 
   Remember last year during the pizza thing? We looked for you. We being us , I had  bottle of water. I weighed 114 that morning. Shelly mentioned you her they were worried about you. I remember saying I was all my fault they asked me about it but I couldn’t speak. It always was my biggest fear when I realized it kind of was I dry sobbed in the middle of corrections.
   No life is worthless. When I was her age everything was ,  when I see her I see so much of me. We leave pieces of ourselves everywhere we go . With everyone we lose and everyone who loses us.
   I promise that your life is not worthless everyone has a purpose and no one’s is to just die. Sometimes it’s hard t find your purpose but it’s there. I’m still searching and you are to.
   I was actually always jealous of you last year. You were so pretty , smart , and talented. You have all the potential and I have never seen any in myself. When I saw you I saw everything you could become and I was just so f***ing jealous . I still am , because you can do so much and don’t even realize, “
  Even know reading this my inner ocean is burning my cheeks. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever read and if anything in this memoir gets published it should be this letter I hope she lets me use it.
 

2-2-14
Just oh my gosh I can’t I just oh my I broke down. Just Sarah and I was already weak and shaky and my backpack weighed fifty pounds and I feel my tears still from the cutting and just I can’t . I won’t I have to leave he just her no. Were done. I’m doing this I just can’t I’m so shaky , I’m so scared. “ When I’ve cried my last they’ll be beauty from pain.” I don’t cry at school I haven’t since 6th grade well except 4th period in the bathroom but that doesn’t count no one knows about that. Screw this I can’t I might just have to give in and take the pass and cry. Yeah I’m going to have to. It’ actually kind of burning up in here and I think all my bloods rushing to my hear. I can’t take off this screwed up jacket though. “ I’m starring at the mess I made.” No one’s noticed me so maybe I’m okay as long as no one does. . I need to stop reading this. I need to apologize for running away this morning, I need to jump off a bridge I wish I had a pillow to stab.
“ Though it won’t be today someday I’ll hope again.”

2-3-14
  I would give her the letter but I won’t just I can’t. Seeing him reminds me of my childhood before all this started. She said she wished someone would care about her as innocently but the problems he never cared he was lying but still he reminds me of a better way. So I don’t want to use his name but I let some kid read the quotes in my math notebook and he I tried picking up my backpack and and is as flaying and he’s like why and how much does that thing weigh. I say 35 pounds and they say I’ll break my back and he picked it up and said that’s not okay you shouldn’t be carrying that and I shouldn’t be. I feel like suffocation. Dead fighting kittens. Murderous glass. Broken chair and dead rails. Squashed bogs and brown tables. I stopped believing. I think Rosaline’s new boyfriend is good for her he stays calm when she panics. I wish I had a cat to use as an excuse  I wish I could take off this jacket. So Jessica told me she thinks he likes me and I just saw him again lol. I have so much to do tonight ugh lol . I honestly just want a big hug and a shoulder to cry on. Maybe one day everything will be relieved to me. All I want is peace I don’t want any more lies. I am freezing but just keep repeating I won’t die, I won’t die and it’ll all be okay.

Chapter 12
  Once upon a time
There was a young female who’s name was Alyssa. She was quiet went to church twice a week , she never cursed or used bad language. She never disobeyed and she was sharp as a tack she was always laughing and singing with her two best friends. That day Alyssa was walking down her honey brown hair in pig tails, a dirt road but she did not go home. Instead she turned left down the adjacent road she place her backpack on the ground and took out a pen and paper. She looked to the horizon she could see what no one else saw. Jealousy a snake retrieving from its mouth. Fat with the devil hand. Social anxiety with its bloody scars. They all stood on the horizon beckoning. Cut called her name as did rope and nausea be she needn’t be reminding the dragons would be upon them at dawn. Rolling up her sweater sleeves reveals the pain she’d long since forgotten. Dawn Dawn dawn it went blood trickling out over r thoughts being screamed at the ground till it came out the other side. Her back on a tree she nailed herself there by her arms writing in blood and agony ever so sweet. As the knives protruded her veins and skin. Nailed to that tree he wrote her final words “ I am a slave. “  The last word slightly blurred due to the hearts fading away. The demons laugh there’s a sadistic nature sickening but no one would know what killed sweet little Alyssa. She’d be the butt of every joke every lie every tear the no one cried. When the town heard the news they held a feast eating the young hated girls own flesh and making toys of her bones . While playing gold with her legs and feet. Alyssa’s own parents drank her negative a blood healing themselves of her ugly presence for the last fourteen years.
  The end.

You’ll figure out my name soon enough but its unimportant to the point I want to me, I want to die knowing I made a difference , and seeing a change in someone. I’ll admit I’m a huge nerd and well leave it there.

Chapter 13
What is a song unsung? This isn’t a rhetorical question. I want you to dive into this like a professional diver dives to get a Guinness world record. Don’t leave any surface unclean like the worlds best maid. Don’t leave any path uncrossed. Anwnser for yourselves what is a song unsung?

Here you stand.
Look yourself up than down,
You may be cut and bruised,
But you have a heart of gold.
You try so hard ,
You care so much ,
You’d give anything to see someone smile.
But for yourself you wouldn’t do the same.
Why?
Why do you let strangers love you more than you love you?
God is abounding in mercy ,
Slow to anger ,
And so are you
, around another.
So how is it you are capable of the blood on your hands?
Why you do what you do.
What you wouldn’t tell.
Love yourself ,
As someone someday will love you.

2-4-14
I’m free he took care of himself and now I can take care of myself. Even Rosaline’s happy today. Her and her new boyfriend are so adorable like I just want to throw up there so adorable together. I hope Joseph texts me but hey who cares. I really do want to be home though. I wish we could journey to the center of the earth. We could put cameras in the bacteria that burrows in it . Seems logical to me.
2-19-14
My heart is constantly on the run and it won’t stop I’m sorry I can’t be tamed.

Sunday 2-23-14
I love this journal it’s perfect. I love the suns warm inviting rays . So now my plan its simple hide food in my room so my mother doesn’t notice I will put my weight on the top of my entire tomorrow and we’ll see how my test goes. I want to lose 15 pounds  this week that isn’t too much to ask ? Right now all I wants to cuddle under a warm fuzzy blankets but no one will escort me to get my stuff. They forgot I was even located in this proximity . I am matured beyond my age yet in some ways I am naïve and innocent like a newborn baby. I am selfish and judgmental like a tax collector . I am sly like a fox and invisible like a ghost. Unfold able like an accordion and cynical like the devil yet an angel as much as one can be on a maliceing Earth. I am the best child yet the worst  healthy yet dying, eccentric yet unoriginal , blatant yet hard to see. I m all of these things yet I am nothing but the Holy Spirit, skin , fat , and bones. I am in some ways a butterfly and in other ways a dead moth. I am par say alive yet immolated eternally. I am everything and nothing I have the grades everyone yearns for yet aren’t satisfactory. I have the personality and charisma and zeal every parent wants to see in the adolescent yet I am ostracized by my father and antagonized by my mother . I am obese and will burn your eyes if you look at me. My apparel is gaudy my veins protrude from my wrists and my left arm is scared over. I am rapport less and try my best to coincide I say if I am 116.8 or less tomorrow I will not starve again but I may be lying. My emotions are a surprise even to myself.
2-24-14 118
Ugh why does everyone else get to eat and be skinny and I starve and get to be fat? 1 laxative , 1 I don’t know , 1 another , another I don’t know, 1 Advil , 1 zeroed . Not enough to kill me but enough to numb me maybe . 2 more pills.  I just want to be numb from the peon I am not a fighter. 2 more. “ No use pumping my stomach I’ll just do it again I’m a lost cause.” 2 more and 2 more only 2 more it’ll be fine. I just want to be numb. I’m studying for a test I might not even live to see I don’t know how mint vie taken I don’t care. 2 more . 1 more. I still don’t feel numb lord I just want to feel numb please let me feel numb please lord take me away amen/ “ That joke isn’t funny anymore. “ I have such a bad headache and stomach cramps right now. I need a Tylenol but I think that just might make it worse. 3 more.  “ You talk a lot about me now but I stay disconnected I really learned my lesson you packed a punch and knocked me down you used to leave me so breathless the lock to my door the knock to my neck less.” “ Can you just shut up let me finish a sentence.”  15 free minutes with a pounding migraine and a cliché Sorry of Us Taylor Swift moment except we haven’t broke up and neither of us wants you. I really think it’s just a week than Ill known but I’m lying. I just want to lose 4 pounds a day. Than I’ll be happy. Than hell love me. That’s Childs play but I need motivation . I need like in the play where the best friend points her up to a wall if she ears and slits her throat unless she aggress to stare. That’s my favorite play. That’s the kind of motivation I need considering everything vie gone through. NO! There isn’t time for that the rest now or never. Starve or cut make a choice. I feel like breaking down and jumping out the window I wish I could. I just want the pain to end. Well hers my motivation till kill me. No I should be perfect I’m worthless. I don’t deserve to live. Why does God not kill what should be killed? I’m ticked. I’m done. There’s my motivation if the pills won’t work and the knife won’t cut . I didn’t relieve how bad I felt till I tried to walk . I can’t even . What is going on? That’s all I want to know ,I just are you breaking up with me or did you not just …? I can’t think straight I’m ticked I’m about ready to scream or explode. I don’t care if I sound like a brat I just need to know if you refuse to talk to me so you get a note that says whets going on. Because I need an answer even if the notes written by a shaky hand. I’m not in the mood to deal with your crap when you should be the one holding me telling me it’s going to be okay so whets going on ?Why did things end up this way ? If he doesn’t I will. My nails are jabbed into my head and honestly I’m over it screw it. I’m fine with this if he doesn’t give me a decent answer I am so done I can’t , at least not today . I think the overdose effects are starting to kick in. I’m not dead dang it. You do not want to see me mad and someone’s about to. I don’t know who and I’m not sure why but just I’m ticked off at everything and I’m done dealing with men who act like girls. I’m not sure if I look upset or not but there’s certain days you don’t mess with me and this is one of them,. Do I even want him? I don’t know . I’m surprised she hasn’t called me out of school. Yet maybe they didn’t really tell her I overdosed maybe she was bluffing just to test my honesty. I can’t believe I told her though. I just need to send them a text , tell them everything, and end this. Maybe hidings pointless? Maybe starving even is pointless? “ They found an empty bottle on her window seal the day her mother lost her sleeping pills she was sick and tired of being invisible hard to see in color when your miserable.” Why do I trust people? Why????????? She swore she wouldn’t tell them  ,she swore they wouldn’t seal her phone. “ When the drugs don’t work your going to curse his holy name”. I can’t face my mother’s wrath or my best friends betrayal or by boyfriends isolation or my bodies malfunction I’m not strong enough to face any of it. I can’t decide whets right and I can’t decided whets wrong so I just need to kill myself because I put everyone in harm’s way. 100 pounds on Friday imagine it,. It’s only 3 pounds a day BT than they will make me gain it back and I won’t be happy anymore. They want me to be obese and depressed. Make these feelings stop if the only way to do that’s to die than ill die. I have scissors in my backpack I could slit my throat , cut out my heart , gauge out my eyes./ Anything to make me free. I’ll do anything ill fight tooth and nail every doctor. I can’t do this.
Same day 4th period
I have no destiny. I barley have a young death like John Keats and be even more famous die to t. I wish I could live with this. I feel the magnitude of death because I live in death and it’s what I want. I think I’ll break down when I’m with everyone at lunch I just want to cry. I hank I will. I have no reason not to. 
5th period
“ I am in misery there aunt nobody who can comfort me.”

  I make one simple request.
  I utter one blatant word.
  Methodically planned by years of rigors.
  Struck by lighting by eternities of malign.
  I have not only endured this life’s malice ,
  But also that of those who have come before me ,
  Burned in their graves I weep.
  Some of us are born facing destiny to immolate.
  I anything which means of any calamity , and curacy ,
  Some do us are born destined to face a young demise.
  They say it is a phase I say its imposed.
  They say I’m alive I say I’m bleeding.
  Digging a grave that will one day overflow with the bloody tears of those who cared,
  But wait this isn’t to be –
  No one cared for little ole me.
“ I’ve seen this happen in other peoples live but now it’s happening in mine. “
If I die I want to be smiling.

2-25-14
SO ..
I am so sick of her your skinner than I am. If you lose twenty pounds you be 75 pounds … Rosaline you’re like a size zero.  Bill you’re not fat. Why  I  am 118 pounds but a size 1. Logic doesn’t exist anymore. I have an endomorph body type. Something happened to me and him when he ignored me I just don’t like him touching me anymore and I think someone from my church might have a crush on me. I can’t be positive though.  Wouldn’t mind he’s kind of cute but he’s like 12 . Maybe I don’t have a future? I’ve already messed my life up so much . Stop it! We’re not doing this again and if we are swallow the whole bottle and but deeper. No! We’re not doing this ! Yes we are ! Oh no not you! Ugly beast… Yeah you. You can’t win a battle your too weak to fight . I will fight to the death.. Your internally dead… Stop it ! They all lie your FAT , UGLY , WORTGHLESS, HOPELESS,STUPID< IGNORANT, FLIPPANT, CYNICAL, and CRUEL a weak little girl with no future and a past which oh yeah NOONE cares about . So? No one loves you , no one cares if you live or die , your mom tried to about you your dead and abandoned and ostracized your friend’s hate you and you can’t fight me the dead can’t fight. I’ve heard  ask this before you’re not creative I have moved on. You told me to. Take off your jacket. Good your fingers are short and stubby twisted like the ugly branches your nails are fragile and aged your arms are fatty and scared your shoulders are sickly boney , your ribs are idea  like a pigs ready to be devoured , your thighs are the size of the worlds fattest women’s your legs are hair and fat and jiggle and your feet are broken and crooked. Your toes are ugly sausages and deserve to be cut off. Your nose is huge and your hair is hideous. Your eyes are surrounded by purple insomniac circles, your moth is huge and your lips are bloody. Your chin numbers five and your face resembles a tomato . Are you done? You live in a derma world your psychotic you live a fake life your voice is crap , your crap , anyone who tells you otherwise seeks to destroy you. Your poor and ugly with no hope of going anywhere except a grave or a phish ward which is where you should be you insane freak. Is that all you have to say? I’m not sure maybe .  Okay. No you’re a failure a nerd and a loser. You’re a mouse yet an elephant , you’re a bully ( remember Matthew told you that), your pathetic , you’ll never kid a guy and a guy would only kiss you if he got paid. That’s why he’s dating you by the way Bills paying him . Bill dared him, Matthew dared Joseph , and they were all sired to say they liked you ! No one really likes you.
Same day later on
Part of me wants to live to know how things turn out . No one ever 100 percent wants to die. There’s always a split second where you say they wait but by that point your dead.
I want to tree house. I want a tree. I want to fall in a hole. I want a duck. I want a recording studio. I want to die. I want to be happy. I want Rosaline back. I want Joseph back. I want Matthew back . I want my life back. Lord help me amen.

2-27-14
Creative and effective suicide methods
1. Eating a bible
2. Swallowing toilet paper
3. Jumping the tiger cage at the zoo
4. Cutting open your wrists
5. Shooting your heart
6. Cutting off your own head
7. Handcuffing yourself to a tree
8. Jumping off a tall building
9. Guillotine
10. Cut open your throat
11. Smash your skull into a brick wall
12. Burning coal in a locked room ( with you in the room) .
I can’t keep living a lie. I have been dating him for 3 weeks . I know eventually he’s going to try and kiss me but what will I do when he does. I can’t kiss him. I wouldn’t even know how. I don’t want to kiss him it would be disquisition. Oakley I really like that name. If I ever adopt a son his name shall be Oakley after the missionary boy. If I ever adopt a daughter I think her name will be Tuvalu after the microstate.

2-28-14
I think this ink is purple kind of a dark desperate purple but a purple the miscellaneous myriads of vehicles and ferns block the brightest sun’s rays. Tree. Seatbelt. Seat. Phone. Dead. Batteries. Enigmas. Jig saws. What is a jigsaw? Jigsaw – a saw of jigs. A jaggy saw. A sway jig? Sky blue puppy house murder family money death guns bubble gum guns. Bumble monkeys. A bubble gum giraffe baby. A bubble gun pack as the US president. Turning cats into trees/ Elephants. 77 percent water. Ohyschopath. Tired. Pole River. Jump, Pony. Unicocks animals whose mother is a peacock and whose father is a unicorn. Hey live in the Saharan Desert near the Nile since their bodies are magical. There luscious feathers are seductive among animals and they cannot easily be killed. To kill a uncork you must eat its feathers without bloody puncturing your intestines. I want my puppy back. I think my boyfriends gay. Selfish brat . “ I’d rather be bulimic than anorexic right Victoria? “  Bill “ He’s gay no wonder he hasn’t tried to kiss you yet.” Suicide is not stupid its caused by depression which is a disease just like cancer get that straight! Suicidal people aren’t attention whores and there not wimps or babies there some of the strongest people I know !

By my friend Jezebel
  You tell me your hopeless.
  You want your life less than you want your death.
  But if you jumped into a pool right now ,
  I know you hold your breath.
  So I know that it’s not that hopeless ,
  But your hopes just hard to find.
  And if I showered you with all you could become,
  I know you change your mind.
  You might have hit rock bottom ,
  But it’s the perfect place to start.
  Where the only thing you can hear,
  Is the beating of your heart .
  You have to almost lose it ,
  To remember what you had ,
  And that there has been a share of good times,
  Mixed in between the bad.
  So don’t wait for the ending.
  Until your last breath starts to leave.
  Before you finally remember how much you like to breathe.

The People – by VT
Using my experience as a guide
I have come to find
There are three personalities studied in the world.
Those who are destined to live,
Those who are destined to die ,
And those who are destined to merely survive.
Those are the monies in the middle.
The people with no future and no past.
The people who don’t belong anywhere,
And our ostracized everywhere.
The people who are epitomes of a sparkling sun,
But are cynical and black as the night predawn.
These people are the droughts, the posing.
The tick you can’t immolate.
The word you just can’t reconcile
The people whose lie shave no meaning,
Because they them sled are obsolete.
They are neither congenial nor despicable but blatant,
Neither methodical or an oaf.
They just are.
These are the people no one can relate to ,
And get walked on everyday of their life.
These are the people who may have been birthed flowers,
But were crumbled to dirt once again.
By the people who strayed from their etched stone .
They tread their conventional shoes on a blossoming bloom.
Than relieving they arched an impasse .
They stopped dead in their tacks.
They turned and spanned on the flowers and the petals fell in drops.
These are the people hanging on the edge of a cliff by a shoe string.
The people who have luck on their side ,
Despite the rigors luck causes.
These are the people trying t o let go ,
That are overcome by gravities peripheral forces.
These are the people whose families are bipolar,
Loving one day  and antagonizing the next.
These are the people with more zeal and charisma and intreincisic talent than Johnny Deep.
These are the people who could shot foot the stars and bulls eye it.
But those are also the people everyone wants to see six feet under.
The people chastised for being eccentric.
The people judged for being depressed .
The people in the dark never to see the sun  again.
These are the people who go all in ,
And then bow down.
These are the burning flames despite poverty.
These are the lions souls trapped in the cat’s body.
These are the lone wolves.
These are the mockingbirds amongst the blue jays.
The ones who actually stand for something.
The ones who do no harm yet are harmed by the worlds.
The ones who sing beautiful show tunes none will ever get to hear .
The ones who blend in with the walls,
The ones so sheer no one knows their there.
The ones so chilled to the bone thud rather face demise than live.
The nails in the shirt,
Their fertilizer in the soil.
The bees in the flower.
What every last thing down to the smallest speck of dust needs to survive –
Yet ..
They – are told they are absoluter.
They are told they stand for nothing and therefore are nothing.
The cracks in the sidewalk helping it to breathe.
The people who no one cares for ,
Dragged down by the cold harsh winds .
<Made brittle to the bone by unfortunate circumstances.
The people who don’t deserve to be maligned but who do it for the sake of tethers.
The people who would die for the person they greatly despise.
The people who would starve to save a strangers life.
The people who no one gives a second thought ,
The people no one cares to know the name of.
The people who fall the most but they mean the least.

5th period
So he whispers in my ear kiss your girlfriend already.

March 6th 2014
I secede by VT
Can the world chastise you when it has no idea your rapports?
Your rapports to rigors others call “ Stupid” ?
Rigors others say are for psychotic freak?
And they expect you to play along.
To smile and laugh while you’re dying inside.
Well SCREW THAT!
How dare you tell me my choices are for an oaf!
I don’t care if you don’t know !v
Those stupid middle school jokes –
Those jokes aren’t funny anymore.
I could look you in the eye ,
And scare you dad with my tales.
I could tell you the truth.
But ill secede ..
I’ll agree.
But the cards always up my sleeve.
You say these “ freaks” ,
They deserved to die ,
It was destined t o be ,
Who could do that?
It couldn’t be  me –
Well it could be.
It wasn’t long ago that was me,
But happiness is a sheer fading reminisince,
Hope only an implausible dream.
The world on my shoulders .
I secede.
And though they weep for me.
I secede.

New poem – by VT
I don’t need reminder s of what I was ,
Or who I once was ,
The cuts on my arms beg to differ ,
The bones in my spine begin to wither.
A final cry for help goes unsound.
I don’t belong here-
I don’t belong anywhere.
Praying please somebody notice !
Someone boy call me out, somebody save me !
How can …
Can you ace someone away from themselves?
Anyway but death?
If so I haven’t found it yet.
Can someone answer me please!
Nits not that I want to die ,
It’s just that I refuse to live ,
At least like this ,
And my life will always be this way.
Things never really change ,
Demons in different ways.
Exposed through pen strokes ,
And blood vie bleed.
You can run from your parents ,
Escape the past ,
But how can you escape whets starring at you in the mirror?
Is that me?
I refuse it to be !
This will never see!
Someone help me !
I’m begging you please !
Your past can look you in the eyes,
And that’s all fine ,
But what if that’s all I’ll ever be.

New poem
Why do we hide thoughts of immolation?
If these plans go unfulfilled they drown us.
They drown us in tarts ,
Which overflow into a sea of demise ?
What else is there to do ?
Forget or be forgotten?
Live or die?
Cling on and have your fingers fall off or simply let go?
Letting go of the cliff takes more courage than it does to survive.
Those who let go know their place.
These who hold on have no place.
Because there is no place.
Nowhere except Heaven will ever except them ,
And Heaven is only achievable by death.

New poem by VT
They say you can’t save your own life,
And now I know it’s true,
By the grace of god I stand before you.
Even if I stand on my knees,
Knees that have bleed enough blood to fill very ocean whole.
Knees covered in dust and grime ,
But knees touched by the hands of the Lord.
I should have met my demise long ago,
I live in a rocky boat.
My life’s rigors meant for an imepenatratible yaught faced by a gaunt canoe.
And though it floods it shall never sink .
I guess it’s just not time for me ,
And though I’m cold and wt
I will abstain from sinking my own ship.
Therefore will brave the maligning wands and scorching fires.
I will face with a smile my concealed hearts desires.
I will fight every battle ,
Because no power is greater that that I know.
The power that gives hope to the hopeless
And finds what can’t be found.
So let it rain !
I know vie made mistakes .
I’ve seceded to Satins way .
So let’s do this again!
Let it rain!
This time ill face it with an extroverts face ,
It will be another blatant day.
And if every night I cease to be  .
So this will be.
I’d rather cry myself to sleep for an eternity ,
Than miss the benevnval ill grow up to be.

Have you ever wanted o fly away ? But you realized you haven’t any wings , unlike the birds that sing and the flying squires which ring the palls of impurity with their almost obsolete hands?  Hands of immolation , hands of sweet and savory, red droplets of self demise? Have you ever wanted to run away ? But realized you had nowhere to go? Your heart may guide you through it , through the night but ties not in the snow. Have you ever wanted to let go ? 

With the power to immolate we concurrently posses the power to live.
Live life’s implausible intrinsic circumstances .
Circumstances of heredities frail demons,
Or societies pressure of having gaunt operations.
Or realities malign of those with zeal for the eccentric .
Well live like life’s a thought of fantasy,
Well be or own kings and queens.
But we cannot do this if the sinister benefactor outweighs the microscopic sliver of tangible hope.
If we can only see that which is flippant ,
And not also that which is within .
If we can’t only see the curt retorts ,
Or the concurrent kidnapping,
Or the shattered hearts .
That’s when life is extended beyond the dark ,
A darkness darer than the burning ores.
A dankest darker the darkest burning coals.
A darkness darker than a winters sever.
Where the sun and the moon and stars cease to be.
Where every shadow has a host.
Every stray a home?
Like very night has a dawn.
But if it be so dark we cannot see the impending night ,
All we can do is conquered in the light.,
A light that burns with a flame ,
But a flames that can go out in one of two ways .
A flame can end at an impasse ,
Or expel light from a extrovert to save the day.

Certain things irk me .
It’s as simple as that .
They bring up scars
Breaking an already broken heart
Tearing already shattered glass .
Saying youth the epitome of a victories secret model ,
Or whets you securer ,
Or you to fat to wear a bikini.
These words still hide pain millions will never know .
I try and watch my tongue
Because what I say is written in stone
Because I know I have scars that won’t go away
Why won’t you walk in
To scared they’ll call you far?
Kick you out of the store?
Actually yes
But I’ll never admit it.
Will never r squeeze this fat lump into anything appealing.
I will never wear booty shorts or a bikini.
I will never be pretty enough to walk the walk .
So in a way they were right ,
But now they’re gone.
So those jokes aren’t going to pass sarongs.
Were just little kids again,
I won’t repeat where eave been.

Why is he happy ?
Why is he in love?
Why is he amiable now ?
Why is he smiling?
Why is she having a little too much fun?
Why isn’t he still a bully ?
Why are they happy ?
And why am I not ?
Was I the cause of their pain ?
Screwing with diamonds in the rough ?
Why is he happy?
Why aren’t we friends?
Why did he ostracize me?
Was it all pretend?
Why is he happy?
When he knows I’m not !
What happened to my friends,
My friend who was so tough ?
What happened to the guy I couldn’t live without.
The one .
The only one vie ever loved dearly.
He one who id die for ?
Why is he happy ?
And why am I not?
Why is he in love?
And why am I not?
Why am I  not good enough?
Was I just a duff?
Why did she change him ?
Was I really a threat?
Hess better off with me dead?
Why am I only good enough for nothing ?
Why is he happy ?
And why am I not ?
Why is he amiable ?
Was my little girl crushing too much debt ?
Why is she skinny now ?
And why am I  not ?
If all I have is poisoned blood,
Then I guess I’m just the duff.

Those words will haunt my should for an eternity .
Your heartless.
Your selfish , scared, and self centered.
No one will ever care about you , because you hate yourself.
What do you even care about ?
When my whole life’s been spent trying to make everyone less perfect .
I would give up anything for anyone .
And I men that with my whole heart and should.
I would take a bulled for my worst enemy.
I’ve taken blames for things I didn’t even see.
I’ve given strangers twenty dollars in the snow .
So you really aren’t coming home ?
Everything everyone’s though of me ,
You reflected it back at me .
Everything I can’t control .
You said its why you had to go.
I tried to be what you wanted me to be ,
But the truth is I can be .
I lie you call me a heartless .
I speak you call me a bipolar freak.
I guess both Aare true .
Everything you said –
Was true .
 

Chapter 15
April 9th 2014
I can’t do this studying. I can’t bear to look at myself. I can’t deal with being who I am. I can’t live with myself anymore. I’m a fat pig with greasy hair and no brain and I’m a whore and a slut and a hypocrite and I can’t do anything right. I’m trying but I either under eat or over eat and I’m already so far yet so skinny concurrently I’m out of people who care . Who can I turn to? How do I get normal again? How do I take back everything I did ? How do I go back to being me? I hate everything I am.

Where am I not beaten and bruised?
Abused by rigorous waves ,
Like those which immolate canoes.
Where am I not beaten and bruised?
My feet have tiptoed on glass
And have been cut time and time again.
Where am I not beaten and bruised?
My neck has been groped ,
My wind pipe cut off from hope,
My fingers down my throat .
Where am I not beaten and bruised?
My shoulders in a shredder of lavas engulf,
M chest abused by those thirsty for the innocent .
Where am I not bloody and bruised?
Where is left holy?
My stomach doing flips,
Tie all the knots.
Overflowing yet starved ,
Feed by colorful synthetic hope.
Where am I not beaten and bruised?
My heat past and squeezed by the hands of lions,
Devoured and regurgitated.
Where am I not beaten and busied?
My hips cracking at the slightest moves.
Where has my soul not bed discarded?
Where have I not been made the pawn?
Where am I not the rag doll?
Where am  I not bloody and bruised?
I yearn for an answer.
THz is both an enigma and a quest.
The paths I aspire down,
Redundantly end in the same impasse.
I’ve exceeded my myriads,
And am left with not a one ,
But ties none.
I have no variety,
I cannot die ,
Yet I cannot live,
And I cannot exist in between.
In trouble till the very end.

How could this day get any worse? Getting hit by a bus sounds like a good option right now or taking as much medicine as I possibly can get down to kill me or like being handcuffed to a tree where no one will ever find me. I’m tired of this all this ; none of this is my fault and it’s not fair I’m the one with fifteen needles jabbed in my arm getting blood work every other week. I’m the one getting beat it textbooks by my crap of a mother . I’m the one who was told if she doesn’t change she has 2 years to live. Isn’t the good one supposed to win? The only way I’m winning is death but no one will just let me die even though my mother finally admitted she hates me that I’m stupid and worthless, and a hoe who would have been dead if my grandma hasn’t stopped her that I’m a malnourished freak whose selfish and is causing pain for everyone but me. Do you think I enjoy being this way???? You don’t think I wish I could go back to being who I was? You don’t think vie tried to die and get out of your life . I try so hard but it’s too much it’s all too much. So anyway yeah I got 15 needles jabbed in me. And I told my mother we would never be the happy family she wanted us to be if she kept this up. I started crying in 1st and 2nd period. During lab I cut off locks of my habit in the bathroom and but open my hip just far down enough you won’t ever see it. You can’t tell and you won’t ever be able to tell. After I attempted to study but my vision kept getting blurry I just gave up hand put my head on the keyboard and broke down crying my eyes out. 4th period I felt like the walls were closing in. Lunch I attempted to study but decided to walk around instead and got light headed and said I’m going to jump off which got a yes! From people nearby and so I went to the bathroom and got an we its Victoria that stupid gag. So just keep trying to study . So there’s a foreign exchange student in my seat so guess who I have to sit by ? Starts with an m and ends in a w. I wish I didn’t have to sit there.
M – I need a pen anyone got a pen ?
I(as in I instead of me because M and M would be confusing) – here its purple but it works.
M- Thanks dawn you’re a life savior
C(another girl at the table) – I need paper
I here you go
c- Thank you
m- So generous you owe her a cookie
c- Um
I um
M – Are those the answers written on your hand
I no song quotes
M – I’m pretty sure there answers
I will show you them
m- Eh no I won’t cheat  like you
m – See she joined a metal band and is just hiding it
I what
m- See that hair the girl I knew three years ago wouldn’t have done that
m – The longer she does it the more rebellious she becomes
c- Her hair looks nice though
m- Yeah don’t get me wrong her hairs beautiful just it reminds me how different she is
c- But it’s really pretty
m- I had hair like that in 1983
c- Did you say 83?
m- Yeah when I was in the womb
t- Quiet!
The worst part is ill being sitting there for 2 weeks. Our teacher handed out animal crackers and I said no thank you and I can just see the look Matthew gave me . Like why not?? You afraid??

Like a thousand needles to the soul.
Like fire burning amidst the eyes.
Like monkeys biting your private sides.
This is my life.
Like a cactus under your butt,
And a giant sitting on your lap.
An obese giant.
Like a screeching banshee,
On a yellow porch.
This is my life.
Like a man tied to a railroad track.
A track made of rusted thorns ,
Like a man’s heart being ripped from his chest.
Like the sensation of drowning at sea.
This is what life is to me.
Like being sucked into a black hole.
Like a hand above bamboo being smashed by a mallet.
Like birthing.
This is life to me.

Are people trying to make me feel awful? This kid who messaged me that we have a lot in common and should hang out talking about being picked on and my ex saying he loves me. Joseph saying he’s sorry we haven’t talked in awhile people saying suicide is selfish but that they don’t judge, and Matthew just being around and this kids trying to guilt trip me and oh my gosh NO NON ONONONONONONONONONONON NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.I can’t tell anyone his oh my gosh this kids had cancer . I think I might puke. Rosaline told me to flirt never again dang it I’m stuck. If I pass out and I die I will miss you all. My mother was really upset at me last night she usually gives up and tells me to eat as little as  I want but she wouldn’t and it’s not like I’m not eating enough I eat what I need to sustain my weight ( even though I’m fat as heck) . See I just don’t get it I eater get picked on for being fat or beige anorexic and I can’t mea up my mind . How did I ever let things get this far?

How did I ever let things go this far?
Why couldn’t I get someone to stop me?
Why didn’t someone haul me?
Pull me aside and tell me I was acting crazy?
I guess back than it didn’t matter.
It’s no big deal if a fat girls anorexic.
She has fat to lose anyway.
But what about a year later/
When she’s underweight and she might die?
When she has 15 needles in her arm and a belt mark on her back?
When she’s lost all her friends and can’t find a reason to live?
How did I let things go this far?
I can’t believe I let it go so far!
I can’t believe they let me.
I want to be ice cold ,
Chilled to ht ebon,
Such as my should.
Black as night,
Yet pure as light.
Everything yet nothing;
Dark yet light.
Why did I let things go that far?

The world’s skinniest women ways 3 stones and 6 pounds . She’s been anorexic for 30 years and I sit there thinking they won’t let me. I don’t even get to be a normal anorexic weight (95 pounds). I really want to be that weight ; stupid doctors, stupid friends, stupid society. I already told my mom when I turn 18 she can’t stop me I can starve and take pills, I can throw up and cut and nobody’s going to tell me I’m not allowed to. It isn’t illegal to hate who you’ve become . I want .. It’s not the size that’s changed my life but my mental stability . I’m so screwed up but I think the schizophrenia has died down dramatically I now hear only one voice and it is only a voice it is not a tangible figure anymore.
What more can I do?
I’m trying my hardest.
I have one hundred pound blocks on my back !
I’m dragging them across a barren dessert,
Which stretches to eternity?
Everybody stumbles and falls ,
Especially when they’re dehydrated mad famished.
I’m trying my hardest!
I wouldn’t lie I promise !
I have handcuffs tied to my feet.
Weighing me down ,
Slowing down recovery.
What more can I do ??
Tell me and I swear ill do it.

April 12th 2014
Poor Rosaline I saw him with the jacket and I ran as fast as I could and she just told me to go away. What else could I do? I can see pure terror in her eyes as she tells me to get them to talk to her and now this has nothing to do with my terror of that girl it has to do with my best friends well being and id do anything to see her happy again.  I wish I could help Rosaline. But I’m not what she needs, I’m not her best friend even if she’s mine. I’m a disappointment to her and I’m trying my best but what can I say it’s all my fault . If I hadn’t been friends with the girl he cheated on her with Rosaline never would have meet her and therefore they wouldn’t have gotten close enough to know who the other as dating and he wouldn’t have cheated. Gosh it’s all my fault. I didn’t mean any harm . I just wanted everyone to have a friend . I told Bill to be as weird as possible and he has a conversation about cars made out of whale parts and feels bad and stops. I got the oddest looks from my ex today .
“ Please no more.” “ All I need is what I don’t want to need at all.”
When life is pure rigors we fail to see the few sparks of beauty that are substantial in an unsubstantial universe. We forget every horrid thing withholds beauty. A scuffed shoe represents a newly innovated sidewalk where you can daydream of bunnies frolicking with wings. A shattered heart shows us that we have the capability within us to love at all and though it may be incognizant to you now and deleterious one day it will be simple to see there was always someone out there that was ready to take you on. Though disdain is prevalent during the calamities after math often amiabilities around the corner and you unearth things even though you didn’t know about yourself. But if you mourn in the way you choose the raw pain will cease to immolate itself because you are in denial. Like being torn around by a lion and feet to the wolves when you give up your prized possession but maybe this is when you must reevaluate your own priorities deal with your own rigors as he needs to deal with his. When neither of the 2s a stable individual how should things work out when the majority of emotions shown publically are physical or high? When… If ones either “ cracked open like an egg or frozen like a yolk . Or even hung over like clothes on an clothes line. When one out of depression sits and the other admits turmoil and both cheat in their own ways. If neither can be trusted does this mean the two can love each other? How can love exist where trust has ceased?
April 19th 2014
I don’t want to go to the hospital. I’m so over this . It isn’t the keg that I’m fine with but I’m over guys who won’t leave me alone , I’m over people who won’t leave ,e alone. Only one more week in this seat. So let me explain what happened he texts me and asks to talk. I say okay basically he said I hate myself for breaking up with you, I still love you , you don’t deserve me , etc. This is all while I’m at the hospital I just want to text him CAN THIS WAIT TILL IM NOT AT A HOSPITAL!

If I have composed any work ,
Ties digs deeper into the essence of the human nature than ties ,
Thus I have fallen into the darkest abyss.
One can learn a lot ,
When they are cognizant to the aspirations and rigor around them,
And are able to dissect them and lay them out.
Places , pieces of each enigma together to find a way out .
However it seems this quest is implausible ,
Yet even unattainable.
Because those who are made of stone are simply statues.
Each rigor is their rigor ,
Drops of acid rain ,
Eroding the outer layer,
Straight down the drain.
Each layer leaves the chiseling a little less defined.
Each layer is an answer left to die.
Yet those amiable and flies maybe the most wise of us all.
I have seen myriads,
Heard of calamities and malign some twice my years should be oblivious to,
Yet I am not wise.
Do I regret it?
Not a lot ?
If I was only able to utter the sounds,
I would tell you all vie learned from becoming a wall.
There are truly perks to being a wall flower.
I have watched my friend’s lives turn to ruins ,
And who’s to blame but me?
I have watched my chart get cheated on ,
Not once but twice ,
And slowly lose her mind.
I’ve listed to her tails and bus blow jobs and hidden lies.
Somehow whose told me but I ?
I’ve watched an earthquake separate everyone vie ever loved.
I’ve watched my closest rapport abandon me.
Leave me high ad dry,
And watch him watch me as I died.
Word I’d love to say,
But my mouth is barren ,
My words only eccentric on paper .
Even now my words are blatant.
Even now as I cry.
I’ve watched everyone I care about turn into horsed –
Yet who am I ?
I’m …..
Who’s to blame but I?

No more by VT
No more….
Just…
No more…
No more running from those I miss.
No more being scared they’ll kill me on the spot.
No more handling everyone’s problems.
No more giving up.
It’s not too late to change.
Change the way vie made it.
No more…
No more fighting change.
No more voices.
It’s time to relieve I’m not who I was before.
No more wanting her back.
No more .

He texted me . Again . I wish he’d leave me alone.
“ If you tough I hated you I never did.”
“ It was hard talking to you knowing you hated me.”
“ You have every right to . “
“ I hate myself for breaking up with you.”
“ I’m still in love with you… you just deserve better than me.”
“ Your too perfect to screw up”
“ How are you?”
“ That’s not true you’re going to have to let someone in eventually.”
I have let people in just NOT YOU!

4-15-14
I wish everyone would just leave me alone , I can’t deal with anyone anymore , let alone everyone. Every time I look at a friend and see them miserable I relieve its all my fault and that there’s nothing I can do to fix it. I’ve looked at friends whose lives have moved on and see how much happier they are now.
It almost faded with the morning mist.
Silenced by the echo of dew on the trees,
And the leaves amiably bowing in the breeze,
But to me it roared.
It echoed like I had used the last breath within me.
My tongue bit so hard it was lopsided and hanging.
My mouth so barren it was super glued shut by fears,
Fears which I could no longer let incase me ,
Han cuff me to bonds of a servile ,
Following the demands of everything which breathes .
So hushed it could have been ousted by a pedals hectoring dust,
But the world stood still for me.
The sky opening up the rays of an angels wings ,
Intrinsically bringing upon a new dawn ,
And erasing that which had once been spawned .
Pushed wall to wall
Dragged hall to hall.
Being only a faint outline so intangible you can barley breathe.
This wasn’t what I aspired to be.
Like a trapped frog swimming through my blood stream,
It just jumped out of me.
And the world was silent for me.
I tried not to succumb to the true thoughts residing within,
But in the end truth triumph methodically ,
And the worlds cold as ice come from within me.
And the world froze and was silent for me .

To be honest the world’s major issues are simple. We take wasted food and give it the starving along with contraceptives to Africa. As for inequality we simply eliminate the feministic idea of beauty removing magazines and victories secret models. To avoid mint kids we go giver stale and assign couples and child bearers ( the victories secret models just because it makes me happy to think about that ) and 2 kids per family, to eliminate cooperate greed we spread the world wealth by distributing the money evenly. This pen means the world to me. I was going over and over the paper with my pen and it wasn’t working and then there was a pen on my desk. So fast I wasn’t ever sure which one put it there .I was hesitant to use it thinking It was a prank pen but eventually I did and this is an amazing pen just saying. Anyway so at the end of class I ask whose pen is this and Matthew tells me I can keep icy and I say thinks and walk away. This pen even when the ink runs dry will be mine.
4-16-14
It’s so cold right now so yeah my mother cursed at me for wanting to go to school on time. Just why? I’m not even the duff or the little sister anymore I’m just nonexistent. Normally I would be all suicidal but whets the point all any of my suicide attempts have done is give me migraines and stomach cramps . You ever relieve how different everyone really is ? How different everything is from everything else? How no one is the same and even inside they aren’t equal to their outside. I didn’t mean to become who vie become but since vie already become who vie become why don’t I continue becoming who I am > ok I can tell something’s wrong with him but I also know I can’t say anything because I was told to never speak to him ever again and it’s so obvious all his friends are on the opposite side of the school and he’s sitting their curled up with his headphones in and I know he’s upset and I want to talk to him but it can’t because he might think I’m flirting according to Rosaline. His friends there now so I’m just going to hope he can help him since I can’t let me go check. I try to be nice but I don’t need a puppy dog. I hate it all his friends left but he’s still there all sad like and I can’t help him and I hate it ! I want to help him but I can’t talk to him . Drawing things on my arms keeps me from cutting I will to be a tattoo artist when I grow yap though. I hate sharp objects even though I’m a cutter it’s just different. If I get lucky I will open my eyes and find I am still who I was , it’s still 7th grade but I’ll stand up to the awful kid and date the right one and tell them what I think. I won’t have any of these bad things that have made my mother refuse to love me with me and I’ll be on the bus with “ horsefly” aka Matthew and I’ll sit with my best friends and sing.
April 18th
I can’t stay here I’m suffocating .
April 21st 2014
“ Maybe vie been going back to much lately when time stood still and I had you.” I wish I never had to sit next to him.  I wish I could pretend it doesn’t hurt to see the one who I once considered my best and only real friend ignore me while I’m contemplating the meaning of life and relieve its all my fault . If I hadn’t traded him like crap in 7th grade out of fear I wouldn’t have gotten hurt again. Another close guy friend would torment me. If I hadn’t been such a cynic . If I hadn’t tried to date him. If I hadn’t listened. If id apologized. It’s too late I can’t change my mistakes and who vie become and I hate myself every day for it. I hate people, me crying the words of those I’m willing to die for. People who could care less about me . Like I would die for Matthew even though I’m mad at him for breaking my heart , shattering it like glass and just watching as it floated away in the wind like paper but would still do whatever he asked me to. Just because he stopped caring about if I was okay doesn’t mean I stopped caring if he was. Apparently he turned out to be gay . Maybe that’s why he was cruel … hidden secrets. They think Matthews gay but I know he’s not I can predict his future. Hell grow up and see out whatever he aspires to be meet some perfect girl without flaws and they’ll get married and have perfect children and they funny thing is ill never know because we’re not friends anymore and we won’t keep in touch. So I just need to leave it be in fact I need to leave everyone be you know you don’t belong in a group with them and everyone who sees you knows it. Stop betaking my weary  heart and just hit me , beat me crapes , at least the bruises will fade. People so many people, variables, lives, stress, worries, anxieties , and fear. Tick tock tick tock your hours up give up the clock. You know I get tired of sitting here but I do it because you have to face your fears but I think I might cry. I just want to invent a machine to make everything disappear except the machine itself and a machine which make all my thoughts desperate. There’s too many people. Life e just has to many variables and we can’t control a single one of them. We can’t even control our own thoughts and actions. We are supposed to love everyone yet concurrently stand up for what we believe in. How mi  supposed to do both when no one will take me seriously and either way I get treated like dirt? So I talked to Matthew I apologized and he indirectly assured me we weren’t friends anymore and then I left and cried foot the remainder of the lunch period not twenty feet from where he was. He never even asked if I was all right. What he didn’t say answered all the questions I planned on asking. : Answer all the questions I’m too afraid to ask. “ But what if all my life ever is dreaming? 

May  18th 2014
I would if I could but I can’t so I won’t because wanting isn’t getting and getting may be needing but it is also wanting and it’s also losing, and if both wanting and needing is losing than hope is hopelessness and hopelessness is pointlessness and if everything you want or need is pointless you are worthless therefore making everything you know to be the lies and if everything you know washes away you have nothing left to hold unto and you fade away. Homeliness gives no incentive to keep trying. That’s all she wants in the end it doesn’t matter what I do as long as no one finds out well she can suck it up the whole worlds going to know if I have any say in it. I’ve always been independent all I need is a bible , pen and paper, and a piano and I’ll be fine. I don’t need anybody. If not than not. If than , not if than if, than if , if not then , than not if , because is always your worthless. “ My greatest love sprung from my greatest hate.” I believe who you truly love will never be the one who returns your love and the one you marry is simply the one you both are willing to settle on. “ I’ll be okay is that what you want me to say.”. “ I wet let you down I sward this time I mean it. “ “ Now she sleeps in the valley where the wild flowers lie and no one knows she loved him but herself and god. “ What happened to a promise actually meaning something. If you still let me keep my promise I would but you won’t I broke a vow and it caused me to break more and now I’m extremely screwed. Maybe if you let me keep the promise I made everything would turn out okay if you done what you promised to do. I not we because you didn’t get hurt at all , I wouldn’t be in this mess but I know even though you could help you won’t. Everybody told me how much you loved me and how different you were and then you stabbed me in the back and since that day you haven’t stopped stabbing me in the back and you never will the wounds will never heal . 39 hours of studying in four days I think that will be enough. My brain hurts. I wish I could say this all was a story, an art. I wish when I took my hands off this paper that it would all fade away and I could go live my life that was nothing like this , but that isn’t hoe this works. This is my life it doesn’t end when I type the final words on this page it keeps playing out every second of every day there is no escape. The difference between this and a story is it is ten times as dangerous as hunger games and twenty times more dramatic than divergent this is truth. Is it weird I love my handwriting more when it is on the 2nd side of the paper when you can’t read what it says but you can feel how much tension and pressure was released with it by the death of its bumps. Maybe that’s why I love it people get to see and fell how upset I am and people who can see without knowing are the ones who really care. The ones who can see words in silence or on a completely blank page.
May 20th 2014
Only two more moons till I never again have to walk these hallow halls. These halls themselves poising the innocent and conceal bruises among their grimy bricks. They themselves can explain some of my current sorrows and the people who walk among them the rest . When you attempt to implant an embryo where it doesn’t belong all you get is a half born soul. Pretending to be happy just ends up making you more depressed because you relieve how it would feel to be happy and relieve how awful your situation is.
May 21st 2014
When your lies even manage to stump you doctor. I know exactly whets wrong with me. It was like being intereagreated by a cruel British cop except i.e. committed no crime. I’m an innocent young girl who just wanted to fit in but was to naïve to see the results ahead of time. What I’ll remember about this school is all the fights , drugs , cursing , and bullying that went on here. How absolutely disgusting the campus was and how many places there were to hide and how little the teachers cared and how all the students that hated me didn’t even know me.
How can you hate that which thou knows not ?
Like snow falling from the crystal tree tops ,
Though its wind feather weight ,
Myriads become nonbearing gate.
Snowflakes when pierced together by the bloodshed of a single entity,
Can use this blood to become an unpentatratable force.
Worthy of defeat.
The tale which thou hast known however changes as climate grows.
AS global warming runs its course one snowflake ceases to exist.
And if one snowflake ceases to exist one recruit falls .
And as one by one recruits fall to the malign of the sun’s rays ,
Whose kisses are supposed to make thou feel like none other than a rose ,
And as the snowflakes wither from a birth told ,
The army of the innocent is taken over and turned to a selfish enemy’s gold.
** Most people won’t understand what that truly meant if you do congratulations you’re a snowflake act like it.
May 22nd 2014
If I said I didn’t feel well you would flip out. You were worried just when I didn’t ride the bus. I can’t tell you I feel like I’m dying, but  feeling like I’m dying is my normal so in turn isn’t doing the same as living? Don’t take away my life by fixing me. The more she doesn’t know the more I can lie about and vie been able to lie about almost everything. “ The power to cancel my fate lies in my own hands.” I tried killing myself over Matthew. Twenty minutes. Why would one volunteer themselves to death? Why would one volunteer themselves to live? Lies from the public figures start riots . How can you have a granddaughter and kill kids?  The average 10 year old boy weighs 69 pounds and the average football player weighs 169. When I was 10 I weighed 120 pounds , when I was 12 I weighed 180 , when I was 13 I was 200 . This is killing me . I lost a pound and six ounces yesterday and I’m trying to stop losing weight and live a normal life but there’s still that part of my brain that feels like I have to weigh myself every morning and lose weight everyday in order for no one to make from of me. There’s still that part of me that says you should weigh the same as that 54 inch tall , ten year old bot. But I would die if I did .. Wouldn’t I ? 108 pounds but I’m not anorexic I have no idea why I’m still always cold when I eat like a fat pig. This morning I woke up and was freezing and everything was blurry and I felt nauseous and I still do. I figured I was just hungry so I just grabbed whatever in my kitchen and ate it and until my metabolism wears off the calories ( 5th -6th period) ill feel like a bloated fat pig . I brought gum to try and calm my stomach down because it was KILLING ME this morning. It still is but I have on 3 sweaters , winter socks, and large pants to hide all the fat bloated stomach I have, I can’t figure out how science and logic work with calories . Logic has seemed to exit the room with these numbers I can eat nothing and gain everything ! I could try and socialize but whets the point ? I just end up sitting their quietly and the ore people around the more ostracized I feel. The more people that are there the less they talk to me and when there’s only one other person they have two options talk to me or have silence. I have nothing on my mind anymore when talking except : yes, no , oh , ok, that makes sense, lol, irk , and do it. That’s everything vie said for weeks. Everything else has been written down on paper and there’s no words left to sustain their existence. Even these pages have become short and curt.

Untitled by VT
They threw a knife after me .
I have been wading for centuries,
No boats will dare pass me .
But if I was a witch I would cast a spell on no one other than me .
So I wade.
My legs are cold and stiff,
My arms were eaten and sewed up by tiger sharks ,
There’s land off towards the horizon.
But beyond the horizon deaths waiting for me .
So I’m sorry I cannot swim to you ,
For if I swim to you I will cease to be .
For in your love is the red sea ,
And sodium is allergic to me .
I can’t push you to swim to me ,
I couldn’t and I can’t try !
So I’m sorry ,
I’m sorry I was born and did not die.
I’m sorry I can’t change who you see,
Around this paper I see a bright white light ,
And as I grow increasingly cold I see it may be my time to go.
M<aye this is heaven’s gate and gods face as the noises fade.
I gave everyone everything I has left in me.

I’m sorry by VT
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect is that what you wanted to hear?!?!?!?
I’m sorry I can’t wave my magic wand and scream biped bopped boo through my tears !
I’m sorry I can’t dig my way out of a coal mine when I’m suffocating !
I’m sorry I can’t get hurt enough I cease to bleed.
I’m sorry I can’t be what you need me to be.
I’m sorry I can’t dance without feet.
I’m sorry I can’t hear you over my screams.
I’m sorry I can’t cut open my head and remove the parts you don’t want to see.
I’m sorry I can’t fight without a sword .
I’m sorry I’m unarmed in a battle I cannot win.
I’m sorry I cannot transfer how I feel to how I  think well enough for you to see.
I’m sorry I can’t carry the weight of the world eternally on me.
I’m sorry I dropped some of what you were shipping along the way.
I’m sorry I can’t be the friend you need me to be.
I’m sorry I fell asleep after missing sleep for weeks.
I’m sorry my improvising isn’t very convinveing.
I’ll try harder to be what you need!
BUT I cannot stop bleeding when your sword is jabbed in me.
I’m sorry that beyond the geometric boundaries of your sword my heart still beats.
I’m sorry my heart still pumps blood to my soul giving me strength to believe.
I’m sorry I can’t control my destiny.
Even Cinderella was given a fair godmother.
The coal miners a rescue team !
But whose going to rescue me?!?!?
See I’m lost at sea and a boat passed me some time ago,
But they saw a sea monster ,
And that monster was me .
I was thrown back into the water …
Left to the sharks like a floating fish.

Untitled by VT
The sky is crystal but fogged so without a diamond like texture.
The grass is green is green but filled with pesticides and slowly dying,
Better yet the grass is derived from a dollar store holding bucket,
Straight from a Chinese death trap.
The desks are pine , cut down in their prime .
The world is endless ,
But reality cannot see to the depths as the suns glory fades.
Dreams exist only in skewered logic on the stone of dreams ,
And nightmares exist only in the presence of thieving.
Thieving rays of death that without we cannot live but with we will surely meet impasses gate .
To be separated and hung based on deeds of faith .

If – by VT
If I’m not sure what I need to say how can I say it ?
If I’m not sure who I am how can I perform as though I know everything?
If all I do is lie how can I dare speak the truth?
How can I be abandoned when I’m already ostracized?
How can I get answers to questions I never ask ?
How can I feel things vie never known?
How can I touch when I cannot feel.
If I could than I would but I can’t so how can I?
How can I do something while in a spiraling cage?
How can I do something I have no clue how to do?
How can I live any other way?

Untitled – by VT
You know that one dead leaf?
The one that’s dull and brown?
The one that’s stem is disconnected from the rest?
All you see is it is cut off from its life supply,
Its lost in a shark infested sea ,
You have no idea why it that way.
Someone took a pair of scissors and cut off half its stem ,
Or they bent it unrecognizably and the transformation left a dent.
Maybe it was something simple as acid rain leaving holes in your inner face,
But the stems been displaced.
You cannot uncross wires when crossed the wrong way they explode.
A series of small explosions with slow countdowns ,
But the explosion cannot see the countdown.
It cannot predict its fate.
It simply knows it is going to explode.
An explosion can deny that it is an explosion,
It can say I’m not an explosive device I’m filled with puppies and rainbows ,
But only fire comes out.
See this pole the side facing the shade is cool ,
The other three face the sun,
But if it keep turning you may never feel the cool.
It spirals out of control .
Now when the whole pole heats up,
You get burned no matter where you go.
These trees though papering luscious and green are slowly dying .
Their trunks too small to carry their leaves.

Chapter 16
May 27th 2014
A single slash,
Methodical and intrinsic ,
Yet performed out of whimsical zeal.
Done willing with the exert of a thousand lions ,
A slash made precisely where it would penetrate past flimsy defenses .
Throw in the towel and burn it in Hell.
Yet done concurrently with half a second of reasoning ,
Done in a period of time not long enough to contemplate the rigorous circumstances.
In the blink of an eye the sky turned from sun to moon.
A slash so deep it made me deleterious and ostracized,
My dancing shell escaped that day but my soul was left to fade away .
I’d like to believe my soul turn between heaven and hell,
Between cognizant dreams and reclusive realties .
Dancing with the lamps of the sea turtle ,
In the prescience of calamity , the eccentrically bizarre can become the orthodox answer .
And only afterwards do we relieve were hung over,
On the fiery , sulfuric acid tears of the night.

Untitled by VT
So from here there are two ways to journey ,
One is an impasse ,
The paths made of fiery coals,
With the feet of its past visitors begging to rust,
Scared and covered in blood red dust.
The trees cry out in agony ,
Deprived of the rays of life ,
Even the roaches have ceased believing they’ll survive one more night.
The winds of a raging tornado stand silent ,
All that can be heard is the cries of the “ lucky” entities ,
Still struggling to live.
You can hold a piece of their misery simply by breathing their air ,
Standing at the bloody gate of black night roses ,
Hear the nightingale sing,
And bury your ears.
To this path there is but one end,
A nightmare cannot end if you never wake up.
The second is a cavern ,
Its din but there’s light when you look farther,
The gates made of silver ,
And the sweet aroma of budding flowers is intoxicating.
The sweet blue bird calls ,
He hands you a map and says come right in.
Untitled by VT
My head is disturb red ,
But my heart is racing.
If I ever gain an ounce of self determinism.
I’ll show exactly how I feel,
And if I ever again find the ability to seek ,
Ill utter exactly what I mean.
In a whisper so beautiful you’ll say yes to me.
But if nothing I say or do can deserve a quick kiss ,
Fulfilling a centuries long dream,
Than bestow upon me one final wish.
Let me continue glancing into your eyes ,
Because in them I lose myself.
If I can’t mend what any insecurities have broke,
The kindred heart I know thou art can bestow upon me one favor ,
Allow me the memories of year’s arms length from your lips:
Where I wasted every opportunity laughing at the words you’d say.

Untitled by VT
My heart is suffocating with the speed of a deadly storm condednciding .
For each love and each scratch the bleeding is only stopped by firm hands .
AS the bleeding intensifies their grip[ becomes crystallized ,
To freeze the blood and clean their hands.
To wash their hands of any guilt,
For they know their grip has taken a hold.
Crystallizing my heart does not cleanse their hands,
But it does freeze my heart,
So I can never love and lose again,
And if I do I shall surely be dead.

Untitled by VT
For many people silence speaks louder than words,
But for me silence is rudimentary.
I speak out of sheer necessity.
If I utter cold truth to you through these lips,
Than I can guarantee one of two things:
My heart years for you ,
Or if I mean it with 100 percent certainty .
Forced answers are simply please,
Talking about real feeling,
Means in some shape or form your stuck with me.
You may never know I’m there,
But in my mind were conversing.
Silence can mean so many things-
Agony , anger, amiability,
But in the end all words mean but the same thing to me l;
Here I am , I love you , and help me , please?

Love over hate by VT
I would prefer to die over love than hate,
But these two circumstances occur concurrently.
One cannot live without screwing another :
A disappointed parent ,
An ostracized best friend,
and when we love,
Our hearts are pinned to walls of knives,
Waiting for one to be pierce that we cannot get back.

Untitled by VT
What is that thing called again?
Where you laugh and…
Smile I think it’s called?
Oh yes…
Happiness.
Like unicorns and Santa,
People only claim it exist to see little kids smile.
Truth be told the world is disheartening,
Adperson is one of two things,
Depressed or suicidal.
For everyone is on a time clock ,
And a laugh speeds the dial.
It would be so much simpler to just end this like my whole mind and soul wished I hasn’t already tried suicide and still had the bills in my book bag. “ Somebody cries in the middle of the night the neighbors hear but they turn out the lights.”  I never thought about how much worse the abuse will be when I’m home 24/6 but go well I abuse myself worse.

Third path by VT
Maybe there’s a third path,
Its only theoretical but it’s the hope I hold unto.
Maybe the gate and the path itself look identical to the first,
And maybe its elevation keeps spiraling down ,
But maybe than it rises up?
And when it rises up threes two micro paths ,
One obis identical to the second and the other scarier than the first,
But to prove your worth first you must find your deserved key.,
But what if I get the wrong key?
I can’t handle the skeleton key,
Will I be searching for an eternity?
“ And you still don’t have the right looks , and you still don’t have the right friends than high school never ends.” This utterly terrifies me. Why is why I just want to escape. Sure I’m being home schooled but what happens when I enter the real world? I’m already used to dealing with my own problems due to awful counselors but going back to being bullied and yelled at and lying and crying in the bathroom stalls ? I candy do it , I won’t survive that again. I will die. \

Untitled by VT
I can be a recluse for only so long,
And then I must reemerge ,
Except this time the truer won’t have a summers end .
I won’t be able to run away,
And raying will be Childs play .
I can’t escape the labels for an eternity ,
But how can I commit to labels I deny being?
How will I survive the years of theoretical solitude?
Caused by ostracization,
When all I want is eternal solitude?
I just relielized until this moment I hadn’t thought about calories or my weight . I have been pretty good with that lately due to self control and discipline.
May 28th 2014
It’s too dark to be rational .
Dipping my toes in a blood red sea,
Which reflects the night sky so easily?
Every slimy creature watches wide eyed,
But I close the cabinet.
One cannot make choices in the dark of the night .
Where temptation lurks at every corner ,
The trees winery and weak, cast hands upon my knees.
Do I dare walk on?
Do I dare breathe?
It’s too dark to breathe .
Up to my neck in doubt ,
I float as the sun comes out.
One more day ,
But if the number goes up again ,
Than my heads coming with me.
Seriously!!! All poetry aside I ate 1400 yesterday and gained half a pound ! That isn’t even possible and I know the but I promised myself as long as I was 110 or less I wouldn’t freak out anymore. Just keep saying one more day . I don’t want to do this again lord. Amen.
Untitled by VT
I don’t want to,
But I might have to.
I don’t want to,
But I want less to take up a whole house again.
I don’t want top ,
But no matter what it goes up.
It goes up when it should go down ,
And down when it should go up,
Even if they deny it ,
There is NO science,
Numbers and personal fitness facts don’t matter,
BMR’s are pointless,
And there aren’t 3500 calories in a pound.
Wake me up when I’m on my ends hand.
Until than let the pellets drown my in slumbers dent.
Do not disturb me on the stone of dreams,
Because wide open eyes is equal to stones raining upon me.
In a world that I create,
I can dream a thousand dreams ,
And they cannot disparate in the dawns of the forthcoming wind.
So wake me up only when my mind has ceased dreaming.
Wake me up when my eyes can no longer see bleeding.
When my nerves can no longer feel beating ,
When my heart  can no longer cease dreaming , when my hands can no longer write blood, red, stains.
When my eyes can no longer see their whispers,
And my ears can no longer hear their pleas.
When my mouth can no longer utter , goodbye.
Wake me up only when the winter season has ceased gleaming ,
Wake me up only when a summers wings have stopped beating.
When autumns leaves have ceased falling ,
And spring flowers have stopped bumming,
Only wake me up than.
If I turn my music up louder ,
My ears will explode,
And maybe than ill be dead,
And maybe than they’ll leave,
But I’m already dead.
I don’t have the mind for questions ,
I’ve aged thirty years in a day.
And then why do they blame me?
Why am I inconsiarate?
Why I am always the one with bruises and scars?
When I never do a dang thing?
The answer is simple,
I’m always the weaker link .
I’ll be fine when June is here.
January is the month of lost hopes and abandoned dreams.
February is the month of the knife of lust.
March is the month of the begging of the end.
April is where I drown in my own tears,
May is when bruises and cuts appear.
June is the month of love and hope,
July is the month of fun,
And August is the month of lies .
September is the time of regrets,
And October the time of fear ,
November the month of broken families,
And December hopeless friends.
I’ll be fine when June is here.

It’s easier not to think about it when no one’s around . Maybe I’ll be able to recover , maybe I can be healthy again. Maybe I can stop beating myself , maybe I can stop weighing every day, but I can’t recover while I’m fading away. The more I try and pray the more I starve and the more weight I gain.
A frenzy erupts on the paved deaths , omniscient.
This scene we lay in is seemingly redundant,
The world has shunned it none the less .
It is as credible as the blooms of a morning lilac,
Yet designated as faulty as gentle winds.
The truth is not latent , nor is it secular ,
The sconce may be a paradox, even an oxymoron ,
It lacks empathy,
And discourages elation ,
But the scene does not falter.
It mortifies even your grandchildren.
It isn’t glib.
It endows certain benign natures on bizarre people ;
It is adverse to anything we think,
It will not give consensus,
It is diligent is causing viable calamities,
And though its façade is showing great disdain,
It is libel to the extreme.

This isn’t okay.
Like a thousand lions slashing at my insides,
Is how I feel now !
Often when one begins recovery ,
It’s because they finally see how bad its gotten,
But it’s also often too late.
Even if ever4ything is seemingly okay outwardly,
The numbers going up,
But maybe it’s too late.
Maybe living is the feeling of dying again.
Lord I know once again vie failed today,
Forgive me wrong and tighten your grip on my hand ,
For each day is a little better , each miracle a little bigger ,
The sun a little brighter ;
Each day more than ever ,
Your wisdom enters my heart ,
And I couldn’t pray for a brighter day.
I know my tortures in your hands , Nandi what you want to be will be.

When magic science cannot intervene .
So lord I pray I won’t ever look differently than I do as I write these lines,
I pray for those who love me most,
I pray I can instantly or methodically be okay again.
Amen.
May 29th 2014
Being rational has left me with open wounds.
Being methodical has closed my window .
Asking instead of telling has stolen they love from me.
What is I throwing the inconspicuous aside .
What if I stop saying no and start saying yes ?
What if I ignore every ounce of my intelligence ,
And prove I love you ?
What if I do something spontaneous ,
Something vie always wanted to do?
What if I give you a quick kiss,
Or would my words just echo through?
What if I grabbed your hand ,
And told you Id love you till the day I die.
If I whispered in your ear I would sell my soul to make your tears dry.
I would walk on water just to see your smile.
If I told you all I wanted was you by my side till I forever slept.
If I told you , you were the smartest, funniest, hottest guy vie ever met.
If I told you without you I couldn’t have made it to this day ,
If I told you when I look in your eyes I melt,
And the rest of the world fades away.
Would it make a difference if I said all I think about is you?
And only yes will make me leave you along ?
When you’re in a room angel’s leap ,
You make the stars weep at your beauty ,
Would you love me if I told you all these things?
Is putting your heart on the wire ,
Roasting your heart above an open flame,
Worth saying wants killing your brain?
A hidden love scorches with desire and shame,
But an unmatched love when professed,
Eats at the soul .
A partially professed love however scorches all ,
But is being made an oaf worth saying it all ?
Will knowing a lovers heart cleanse it all?
Or will it open up stitches ?
So many say they love me,
But there’s only one Id kiss if he asked me.
Crap he , I hope he didn’t see where I was starring. Its raining , fantastic. I hope it pours . I love watching everyone run but rain is beautiful so I wonder why there running and go dance in it . Rain is majestic it cleanses the soul. I may be crazy but I don’t care I  wish it would pour. I wish I could make him care.
I’ve said to much,
But they didn’t even notice.
They let it stop in the breeze ,
My silence is mediocre ,
My words are meaningless,
My life is an empty class,
And I am a just.
They can joke , but they’ve miss stepped .
I’m everything they say and more,
But in a week none of it will matter anymore.
So why not say the urges of my desires ,
Why not utter the fire of my mouths feet,
Why not do what guides on land urge me to do?
Why not encase the lips pads secret soul?
Why hide the hearts paradox soul?
Why not utter that which is steadfast of honesty?
May 30th 2014
Like a sting to the sheer essence of my flesh encased soul,
Your word deficit plays with my turmoil ,
That which you utter to thane villains does not encompass the words of a minute,
And bitter animosity turns to a loving façade.
I cannot begin to describe that which is reading in my head,
When my sensitive innocent lips speak truth they become intoxicated.
They burn with th4e sensation of sheer rest,
Come too soon to pass.
If thou hadn’t enclosed them than thus heart wouldn’t bleed.
There’s one elementary word to save a soul,
No.
However there’s the possibly yes is rudimentary,
And when we begin to drawer new doors its heart wrenching to run away.
I make promises I am in no state to keep.
I tell people truths I in no way intend to keep.
I promise an abundance of midsummer’s night memories ,
But if you want raw honesty,
Five days forward when that beautiful lark sings ,
I will never see your faces as long as I live,
And if you need me here ill by lying six feet under in my own rained compass,
And I promise ill ignore every text your sending.
I have no doubt this is the one I will not cease.
To be strangled by words,
Is to be silenced by intents ,
Intents never the less good but dark on the horizon.
Meteor showers are so much of a show .
Wi9sh on the falling star ,
And when it falls all your dreams will come true,
And when a demon is on the black horizon ,
It will creep to a sheer dawn.
The wishes are all that remains of the nights spawn.
So this is it ?
Spending every morning’s eve harming thyself?
Spending the hours of the innocent growing cold?
Spending the hours of the light drowning in self pity?
On horseback from a monstrourus knight to monstrous night ,
From comrade to comrade ,
Only to find the apothecary is your quickest bond ?
Tied by your most satisfactory discoing,
So this is it?
While those who claim to obtain love slumber were left with this ,
Watching as flowers turn to weeds in the wind.
So this is it ?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\
Don’t bother to explain your contempt to me .
Words may fix words ,
But you cannot fix what you never touched.
You cannot touch what you never knew .
You cannot know what you never have seen.
You cannot see what you never dreamed.
You cannot dream what you never believed.
“ Are you okay.”
“ I’ll be fine.”
“ I’m slowly fading away.”
“ Whets wrong.”
“ Nothing”
“ Everything”
“ Are you crying.”
“ I don’t feel well.”
“ That’s all I ever do.”
“ Hey.”
“ Hi”
“ Please go away.”
“ I’ll hold the Dorr.”
“ Thanks .”
“ Please don’t.”
“ Do you want to go swimming?”
“ I’m busy”
“ It’s too cold”
“ You want some.”
“ I’m not hungry.”
“I’m strafing.”
“ ( Silence.”
“ I hate you”
“I love you.”
“ How was your day?”
“ Good”
“Worst day ever.”
“ Do you want to talk about it.”
“ Later.”
“ I wish I could tell you now but you might say I’m being annoying or an attention hog.”
“ What happened to your arm.”
“ I feel down some stairs.”
“ I hate myself so I cut myself.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\
June 2nd 2014
There is no use in trying to function today I’m … if my mom hadn’t had me on suicide watch I would’ve taken every pill in the house but … I guess that’s the point of suicide watch. She doesn’t care at all but if I did that it would ruin our family’s name. I can’t even since its bad when you can’t even explain your thoughts to yourself to I put it in simple terms : no one cares whether I show up tomorrow or not take my name off the role but my room and what little I have. I wish…. We can’t afford all the pills I need , the therapy , I’m not worth it it’s not like it would help and I definitely done deserve it . I hate everyone and everything or more so they all hate me I care about them all and some of them I even….. I can’t even write it right now .  As I write these words I have other thoughts behind them these are just the set I choose to right. These are the nicer ones. I would feel more alive if I was dead. Paradox? Not in the slightest. Okay maybe a  little. “ They say have courage and I’m trying to . “ No one can begin t understand how much of a battle I’m fighting simply finding the strength to breathe takes everything out of me. It’s like having a terminal disease except you tell people and they judge you , they tell you it’s your own fault , they tell you deserve to die. I already know I deserve to die there’s no need to reinforce the wound. I know I’m not worthy of sitting near you with my scarred arms and screwed up head. This wasn’t my choice I sward! You really think anyone would choose this ?!?! Then you’re the insane one. I can’t be the only one but maybe I’m the only one who has given up faking a smile. Jokes aren’t funny when you’re in a hole and the only one who cares is a monster .  I read a book called Forgive Me Leonard Peacock … Who would I give a present to? Rosaline , Matthew , who else? I could explain but I think you’ll understand. Really what this is me talking to myself and trying to force myself to be brave and hold on one more day. I can’t believe I had that in my backpack, why did I have a calorie chart in their? I remember eating 1400 calories a month I miss those days . Anorexia is the least harmful of my problems. I want to go over there but he won’t let me near he and he won’t help me anymore he’s done with me , no one will help me.
June 3rd 2014
Remember you know all of this you have everything you need to get 100 percent on both these tests. Remember your beautiful inside and t and remember to breathe. You can get through this just like the 100s before you. Inlay two more days and your free to live. Try and never step on a scale again. Remember the friends you have who love to see your beautiful smile. Remember gods within you. You got this , one day at a time right ?
- From you 
Well I have over an hour to kill already read 2 300 page books today. I have no idea what to do for an entire hour I could try writing poetry that usually kills time …
June 4th 2013
It’s your last day if you don’t kiss him today when will you ? You’ve wanted this for 2 years so kiss him@ at least tell him how you feel what you have to lose!
I’m at my wits end tonight I’m done this is it I have the means , my hearts torn to pieces in the trash. I have what I need to do what I need to do so why not just do it ? I’ve tried but hey third time’s the charm right?
Matthew why just why? I wish I didn’t have to leave you in order to move on. One last glance as a tear runs down my face. A whispered I love you as for the last time I turn away.
The ABC’s of moving on – by VT
Abrasive and aberration it may abase those alliance you trace.
You may abhor it but the abject feelings quickly fade.
You may balk for myriads of ballads ,
You may ban that which seems baleful and baffles you so ,
But this calamity shall not have a cacophonous sound after it has ripened so.
For this new ballad is candid and is not cadaverous ,
On the contrary it is callous .
So why which dauntless dally in that dawdles ones already short show?

Chapter 16
Wednesday June 18th 2014
Before I start renewing let me say this I seemingly swear to never step on a scale again. Monday was hard I hated church camp and my anorexia and social anxiety was on high. I was suicidal and wanted to go home. Tuesday I was hit in the head with a thousand bricks. Look at what your using to make you happy ? But are you happy now? Starving doesn’t make me happy , seeing my mother’s eyes burn my soul as clod from fresh cuts trickles down doesn’t make me happy ! Only one good thing has come from anything vie done in the last year and that is that I got saved. The only thing that isn’t faulty that never swerves is Jesus. So as I learned that night I learned to go back to Bethel. I want my story if it be gods will to have a happy ending. This counselor here loves me 5 times more than my mom ever will and I’m scared to lose that uncircumstantial love but I have it in Jesus. My food since then has been better I sneak protein bars when no one else is around. Were currently in free time and people are getting coffee, doing archery , etc and I’m sitting , writing, and reading my bible. Some may say I’m wasting my money but I didn’t come for games or activities, not even for beautiful scenery I came to find myself again.
It’s not that I was on the wrong path ,
I was on no path at all .
I watched it desperate with every step I took ,
And they watched as I began to fall.
I aspire to say I came to relies from my own dream stone,
But this my dear friend would not be true.
Sometimes it takes a lifetime,
Sometimes a thousand miles,
Sometimes a single step ,
To wind up right back home.
Like the blood as it whirls,
The path winds up that which towers over Hell.
A place of true beauty and grace,
From which once again I find my saving bell.
Sometimes all it takes is one person to care. No one has ever cared about me so much and I could never thank her enough for revealing god to me. If anorexia wants to control and bulimia wants to comfort than what does it make those who have both?
1 peter 5:7 cast all your anxieties on him for he cares for you .
Trust in god rather than in your own independence for god connote be where rules rule.
“ They do not cry out in their hearts but wail upon their beds – hose 7:14
Psalm 147:3 – he heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.
If you want to run back your still trusting in that “ religion” it isn’t where anyone needs to be . If you struggle to find joy than you haven’t truly moved on. In the end a few pounds means nothing compared to receiving the gift of a sound mind and rebirth in Jesus Christ. Even as I sit here and write this my calorie counting chart is in my bible in front of a biblical eating disorder booklet. So hers the thing even when I’m eating normally its always there., I have little faith that Jesus will simply let my food bless me and when I mess up I keep messing up. The scale and calorie counting have become my God and I see that now. I’ve never seen it that seriously that even when I wasn’t starveling lord please don’t let me gain weight let me lose it was my entire prayer and in the morning if I had gained weight I would curse god. Why ? So it’s time to change that prayer let’s try this one more time and this time I won’t fall .I wish I hadn’t taken a year and three months to truly face god on this. I wish I hadn’t had to drive 10 hours but in the end god will do what god wants done. 10 hours or 10000 hours no struggle will last forever. Looking back does it matter what anyone thought of me ? Will everyone share those 10 people’s opinions? Was it worth giving up the closet thing I had to a father to please people didn’t even like!?!?! Was it worth the sleepless nights, the shots, the bloodworm, the ruined family, the ruined friendships, the weekly doctor’s visits, the depression , the suicidalness ? Was it really worth it? What is it doing now? How am I benefiting from counting calories? Why did it even matter in the first place? Was it worth losing happiness? Was it worth becoming a shell of a person? Was it worth losing everything? No. Simply put none of it even matters to me anymore. It all seems so pointless . What good has any of it done me? All I did was sentence myself to death  and if I had to drive ten hours to find what vie been missing in my recover than vie found it. My soul is clean and everything I did is gone. None of it matters anymore and I want to move on. I pray I take God home with me and don’t leave him here otherwise coming here was pointless . As I write these words I am at peace but I am also tarried giving these things up will kill me , but the more I saw how awfully they’ve effected me and not positively the more I’m ready to move on. Baby steps . I swear no more . Amen.
Evening chapel notes
Your mind records your past
Everybody leaves open handed
Everybody in hell is a nobody
If your friends go to Hell you lose them
Hell is crying and gasping forever
Hell will never be over
Eternity is a clock with no hands
Forever
FOREVER
You choose your punishment
You cannot commit suicide In Hell
Hell is the insane asylum of the universe
There is no hope without Jesus
One day your physical form will cease to exist
There is no in-between only heaven and hell
Salvation is NOT through marry or a pope but through Jesus Christ
You may never hear mom or dad say I love you but Jesus loves you
They may not care about you but Jesus cared enough to die for you
Thursday morning chapel notes
Everybody is going to serve somebody
Serve kindly and gently
A servant is someone who gives up everything for something
We are here for Christ
You are the only bible some people will ever see
Liquors place is in Hell
Your body will NOT live on but your soul will
God does not do miracles for skeptics
I’m not a nobody going nowhere I’m  a somebody going somewhere with Jesus
Have you asked god what you need to do?
Matthew 6:25-26 Therefore I say unto you, take no though for your life , what ye shall eat or what ye shall drink , nor yet for your body , what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat and the body more than raiment?
  Checklist
Is it evil?
Is it enslaving?
Is it expedient ? ( profitable)
Is it edifying?
Is it exalting?

Chapter 17
There you have it. That is my story . Its where vie come from and where I move on from. You may ask why I’m sharing it , it seems so personal , and I seem like a private person. Well I’m sharing it because God told me to. I’m sharing it because I know the pain and I know having someone who knew my pain would’ve helped me. I know my story offers a way for kids struggling to learn to move on and not to let pain control them and I feel like it could change the lives of not only kids, but adults everywhere who are struggling with a disorder . I feel like to truly make my struggle have meaning it needs to help someone else otherwise it really was all for nothing and no one learned anything from it. So I encourage you email me tell me your story because a song unsung has no meaning.