It all started when I first saw He. Dark curly hair and olive skin, I thought He was beautiful. My kindergarten mind was dumb, and could change opinions in a second. But for some reason this one stuck. We were friendly, but I can guarantee He knew that I liked him. It was a huge crush. But it was just puppy love, so no one really cared.


I went to He’s house, a rather large place with a lot of white and gray. I got super jealous when he was talking about talking to Her, a girl who was much prettier. For the rest of the visit all He talked about was Her. It made me very jealous.


Two days later He and Her started dating. Well the kind of dating kindergarteners do. When I got home I cried. Well I cried- I still cry about everything. I was also pretty upset because my across the street playmate was moving all the way uptown.


Around 6 years later He and I were in the same class again. It was around the time of the annual Valentine’s Day dance. I had gotten over my crush, but I wanted the love story of having a date to the dance. So on a neon yellow post-it I wrote,


He,


Will you go to the dance with me? But like as friends. I think it would be fun.


She


Well I didn’t want to go as friends, but he did not want to get romantic, and it sounded less weird. He probably would think that I had not gotten over that crush I had years before. But He said yes! I was so excited and I told pretty much every person I knew.


But the next day He asked out Girl, and she said yes. Girl was a tomboy (now she is a skank), but Girl was beautiful. She had the kind of beauty that didn’t have to try to beautiful. Plus they were very good friends. Girl said yes. I was devastated. I cried and cried. And I confronted him, wrong move She, wrong move. He said that we were only going as friends and that he was sorry. I cried more.


But I got over it really soon. Because I was young, and things changed really fast. Fifth grade She graduated Elementary school, and was off to middle school. And more disappointment.


I realize now that there was never a chance. He never felt the same way about me that I felt about him. It was a young and dumb thing, but I was young and naïve.

It was the beginning of seventh grade. I had just lost the fatness of 5th and 6th grade, and was finally popular. Well I wasn’t popular, but the people who I was friends with were popular. So I was at least talked about. There was a boy in our friend group, his name was Him. Him had brown hair and sparkling brown eyes. He was super laid back, and that was totally my type at the time.


I was really into him. All I wanted to do is talk to him, and when he wasn’t around talk about Him. It had become an obsession. But no one had seemed to realize my obsession. Everyone including Him. But Him would flirt with me all the time. Well I would I think Him would flirt with me. But Him didn’t, I am sure about it.


After weeks of Him filled thoughts and dreams, I had come to the conclusion that Him had a crush on me. Him totally didn’t. But I spent that whole week clouded by the thought that Him, the boy that I liked had liked me back. Still no one reasoned with me, and no one even realized.


That weekend I had a sleepover with two friends. There we talked a lot about Him and his friends. While texting, Him revealed that he would tell the three of us that Monday after school who he liked. Me being veiled by the idea that Him liked me was ecstatic. My friends realized that I liked Him. It wasn’t embarrassing because I thought he was going to confess his feelings for me the next day,


Turns out he didn’t actually like me. Awkward. He actually liked my best friend. I was devastated. I was humiliated. But no one cared. My best friend and Him dated for two days, until they broke up. Both of them ere cursing out the other to me over text. I was really happy. I was happy because they broke up, I was happy because my best friend got what she deserved. She knew I had liked him, but still decided to go out with him. But I felt bad. I felt bad because I had been happy. My best friend was my best friend. And I was a bad friend because I was happy that my best friend was sad. It made me feel like shit.



So Him didn’t like me. And nothing had happened. Once again, I got my hopes up for nothing but disappointment. So life sucked for me. Later that year, Him became a man whore, and dated any girl. He started to do drugs; thank god he didn’t like me. Him got much more attractive, and I got over Him. It took a little more time than me getting over He, but it happened.


I realize now that Him and I could’ve gotten together with Him if I had just confessed my feelings. What kind of person was I, an afraid one? But at this point in y life I am so happy Him and I was never a thing. There was too much drama with him. And I am so done with drama.

Hombre was yet another brown haired boy I liked, one of Him’s friends. But he did not have Him’s brown eyes, Hombre had eyes of green emeralds, and they were beautiful. I had fallen for those eyes, and his wispy hair, and his chill personality. I later found out that he was high the whole time. His sense of humor was exactly like mine, and he could make me laugh constantly. He was so cool, and like the same things I liked. He was really athletic, and was really everything I had wanted in a guy.

We were pretty good friends, until my best friend came along. I told her that Hombre was kind of like my male counterpart because we were pretty much the same person just different sexes. But now I realize that being a female version of Hombre is humiliating. But end of that story is that my best friend told everyone she had ever knew. Including the one person I wouldn’t dare slip that secret to; Hombre. I was so embarrassed my cheeks were as red as Kat Dennings’ lips on a normal day. My friends made fun of me for the rest of the day. Once again I was humiliated by a boy (this happens a lot). But every day after that I would walk into class and I would feel my cheeks heat up almost instantly. I was humiliated just by the sound of his name. We stopped talking to each other- for a short period of time, but since we sat with each other in a class my vow of silence towards Hombre had to stop.

After that little stunt my friends pulled I gave up. I gave up on love, life, friends, everything. It was at that time when I rapidly began to lose weight. It was the time when I began to show off my newly developed breasts. It was just a really bad time.

Our friendship resumed after we began to talk after our pause. It was still awkward as anything, yet I didn’t care. My crush weakened. But it wasn’t until my best friend started to talk about Hombre and I during their texting conversations.

Best Friend: I’m trying to hook She up with someone

Guy: What’s her type
Guy: Do you know whom she likes? ;)

Best Friend: I think he has a crush on Hombre! Isn’t it cute! Like someone who is as cute as him would go out with someone like her.
Best Friend: Lol :p
Best Friend: Promise me you won’t tell her what I just said.
Best Friend: Please…
Best Friend: She’s my bffaeaeaaaf (Best friends forever and ever and ever and Abercrombie and Fitch (just something I mad up and it stuck))

Guy: Sure
Guy: And anyway… She is nothing like Hombre’s type. He likes tall blondes.

Well Guy told me right after their breakup.


I got over that crush really quickly. I was tired of chasing after someone who didn’t want to be chased. If anything I want to be the one being chased. I wanted to be “that girl”. The one who wanted to be chased, and loved by every guy she wanted to love her. I wanted to be my best friend, even though she was the last person I would want to be. Hombre really taught me that. Well Hombre didn’t- him not liking me did. It’s pretty sad to say that.


I realize now that there was a chance for us. Just kidding. There was as much of a chance of us getting together as there was a chance that the pot dealer on St. Marks would become the President of the United States. But as I said, I got over that really quickly. At this point he is on the verge of man whore and complete creep. But a man whore complete stoner boy is not what I need.

Lad was unlike any other boy I had liked before. Lad was extremely intelligent, and had an inner angst that the others didn’t have. Lad was rather pale, with extremely blond hair and brown eyes that weren’t like that usual ugly brown. Lad’s eyes were rich like melted milk chocolate.

He was in the tech crew at school with me, and we would constantly fool around. We both took the club pretty seriously, except that I wouldn’t dare show that I took the club seriously. During the club we would talk a lot, I loved the sound of his voice. It would be the sound of his eyes- well if eyes could talk. He would say something, and I would usually respond with “calm your tits”. It made him laugh, and that mad me laugh. He had a beautiful laugh like summer rain.

Every day during math class I would think just a couple more periods until school is over. You will see Lad. In my notebooks I would doodle Lad+ She. Then I would immediately cross it out because it was embarrassing. But it was my little secret of what laid beneath all the scribbles of black ink.

He became my thoughts, and I would hint in the topic of him when he wasn’t around, just so I can talk about him. But they were really good thought because he was really smart, and attractive, and the opposite of Hombre and Him.

We got super close and made all these inside jokes. People were beginning to think we were a couple. I began to think he liked me back because he would flirt with me, but I don’t think he knew what he was doing. It was really adorable. He was really adorable.

On the night of the show we sat backstage and it just felt so right. Even though I got him extremely angry some times, we were really good friends. I liked being friends, but I wanted to be more than friends. I was sure he felt the same way. Thank god my scared seventh grade ways prevented me from telling him because he admitted that he liked a girl in the cast (he regrets it now and realizes that she is really ugly). I was sad, but he didn’t know I liked him so we were still friends.

At a cast party several weeks later he signed it

Calm you tits She
Lad

I admit I was probably the happiest then I ever was in mm entire life. It was the perfect thing to write. It gave me hops for next